Tired of spending boring holiday after boring holiday on the purple sand beaches of Dolphine? Looking for a more...titillating vacation option? Try Helian!

Unless you've been living under an asteroid, you know that Helian is a tourism planet entirely dedicated to making sexual fantasies come true. Maybe you've even considered spending your next holiday there, with or without your partner(s). But is Helian really the sensuous, orgasmic tourist destination it's cracked up to be?

My four husbands and I booked a trip to Helian to find out.

YES! As it turns out, the Helian experience lives up to its reputation. My husbands and I went our separate ways on the pleasure planet, and we were each able to satisfy all those unique sexual fantasies that, due to size, shape, or equipment, we have long been unable to satisfy together.

Although this was technically a research trip for me, I must admit it was difficult to remain focused on the task at hand, what with all the extracurricular stimulation. But, once I'd returned and spent the requisite two weeks recovering and icing my underthing, I did finally manage to compile this list of must-do Helian attractions.

1. The Intergalactic Sex Toy Emporium

The Intergalactic Sex Toy Emporium is HUGE. It covers an entire continent on Helian, and boasts that 46% of its wares have been banned on some planet or another, and 100% have been banned on Gwalg. So if you've been looking for a Glormian penis-inspired dildo, or a shapeshifting sexbot that can satisfy 147 of your interspecies sexual desires without a battery change, you'll definitely want to make a shopping trip at the Emporium a top priority for your Helian sexcation.

2. Fire and Ice

No matter what your biological makeup, if you've fantasized about having x-rated fun in an alien environment, Fire and Ice can make your dream a reality.

One of the most popular attractions on Helian, Fire and Ice is basically a theme park for experiencing sexual pleasure in extreme environmental conditions. If you've ever wondered what it would be like to orgasm while submerged in a snowbank or suspended over a pit of roiling lava, you're going to love this place.

But the environmental extremes aren't limited to just hot and cold--that would be boring! You and your partner(s) can also enjoy the weightless ecstacy of getting it on in zero G. If that's not exciting enough, try the Underwater Overdrive ride. Or how about exploring your sensuality inside a nice, heated sand bath (not recommended for beings with membranous sex organs)?

3. Fun for Gas Beings

There always seem to be slim pickings in terms of tourism opportunities for gaseous beings. Due to the expense of maintaining the proper environmental conditions, many intergalactic transportation providers and tourism companies end up excluding gaspeople from all the fun of intergalactic travel! Even when gaspeople can get accommodations, they tend to be small, deplorable, and segregated from the rest of the vacationing public.

Not so on Helian!

On this pleasure planet, each gaseous visitor is issued a pristine, state of the art mobile suite for the duration of their stay. To allow gaspeople the ability to sightsee and mingle with non-gaseous vacationers, the mobile suites are walled in pressure resistant glass except for a darkened and soundproofed "pleasure compartment" which allows the guest a modicum of privacy for the sex part of the sexcation.

Helian isn't the only resort planet that offers such accommodations for gaspeople, but it is the only resort to use a new technology which allows gas beings to get intimate not only with other gas beings, but with pretty much any other type of being you can think of! When we asked the Helian guest services representative to describe this cutting edge technology, she said, "It's basically a glory hole with a built in prophylactic to prevent the gasperson's gases from leaking out of its mobile suite."

Sexy!

4. The Tryvkish Fifth Dimensional Procreation Simulator

Tryvki's dominant sapient species is the only species in the known galaxies to have evolved to procreate in the fifth dimension. From a non-Tryvkish perspective, it's impossible to know for certain what this type of intimacy looks and feels like. We can't even begin to imagine having sex in a dimension that we can't even begin to imagine.

But that hasn't stopped countless non-Tryvkish beings from trying to figure it out. There is even an intergalactic association (the Tryvki Tryst Society) dedicated to the study and emulation of Tryvkish mating habits.

But fifth-dimensional mating enthusiasts everywhere can now experience a Tryvkish tryst that is as close as they're ever likely to get to the real thing. And it's all thanks to the tireless research and hard work of Helian's team of licensed sexperts, who interviewed over a thousand Tryvkish couples immediately upon release from their otherworldly coitus. The result is the brand new TryvKiss Simulator, a technological marvel which allows beings of any species to make sweet, sweet love in the fifth dimension.

My husbands and I tried out the simulator while conducting research for this article. Unfortunately, none of us could come up with words to describe the experience for the uninitiated.

5. The Fur and Feather - Best Brothel on Helian

One thing I was concerned about when planning our sexcation itinerary was the treatment of Helian's sex workers. Even in the current year, there are still criminal sex trafficking rings all over the galaxies. I certainly didn't want to unwittingly support this vile industry. I needn't have been so worried--as it turns out, the pleasure planet is owned and operated by its brothel workers' union, who have democratically granted themselves generous profit-sharing plans, stock options, health coverage, paid leave, and, for long-time owner-members, one of the nicest retirement packages in the multiverse.

Being the most popular pleasure destination in the multiverse, Helian naturally has a multitude of brothels to choose from. They range from budget friendly (a happy ending massage behind a curtain with an entry level pleasure professional) to decadent (fully appointed suites with round-the-clock room service, a wide array of lotions and unguents on tap, and a diverse staff of highly skilled courtesans with whom to enjoy your stay).

My husbands and I tried out several of the brothels on Helian, and I can't say any of them disappointed. But the Fur and Feather was by far the best. The F&F specializes in species, gender, and body modification diversity, and prides itself in employing at least one member of each known sexualized species in the galaxies. Even Gwalgians.

If you crave the feeling of an Argwig's snout feathers tickling your ear follicles, or you fantasize about doing that weird, wet thing Terrans do with their mouths, the Fur and Feather has you covered. There are even sentient non-organic staff members to beguile you with all manner of rotating titanium studded phallic attachments.

Always wanted enjoy the tentacled caress of a Vork? Yalchwag will be happy to accompany you to your chambers. He's tall, strong, and handsome in a lumpy, undulating way, and he knows all 88 tenta-sutra positions like the back of his eye-sac. You won't be disappointed if you choose to spend the night with Yalchwag, but follow my advice and don't accept his marriage proposal, especially if you already have four husbands. Yalchwag has a bit of a jealousy problem.

Dr. Mifferthy Agnops is the foremost sexpert in the multiverse. She helps couples and groupings from around the galaxy to find joy and fulfillment in their interspecies relationships. Dr. Mifferthy lives in the black seas of Vlacksnip 6 with her husbands and their spawn.

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