Okay, I know, sitting in your PJs all day watching re-runs on Netflix with a tub of Ben and Jerrys sat on your lap IS fun, I'll admit, but don't you think it's time to shave those legs, whack on some make-up and dust those vaginal cobwebs away for tonight? You never know, that man you've been stalking since you were 12 might be out tonight and you'll want to flash those panties once more at him because he just never gets the hint. Men are dumb. It's like he doesn't notice even when you're practically shagging him on the dancefloor. Ah well, tonight may be the night.

Makeup is a must!

Make sure you plaster that make up ALL over your face. Seriously, the thicker, the better. Men just don't like to know how you are naturally. Natural is for lesbians with long armpit hairs. How to dress? If you could go out naked that would be the easiest choice but because of rules, and that one time you were arrested; make sure you cover at least the important parts. Show plenty of bum and tits though, men love to take that shit back home to meet their Mums. Mums know. They were your age once anyway. It's not like they would want her young man to take some overly-clothed graduate that talks about equality anyway, they would never get any sex.

Once at the bar make sure you find a seat that's close to him, but not too close, can't be making that shit obvious now, we all know how men are masters at noticing things that aren't in front of their nose. Once he comes over to talk to you, if it's not to issue that restraining order, or remind you of the active one, then you're in luck! Immediately offer him back to your place for a night of red-hot sex; men don't like to talk anyway, it's nice to cut right to the chase. When he eagerly accepts take him back to your Mums house, that you're living at, stopping with him to meet everyone. They probably know him anyway with all the stickers you have of him on the wall.

Rocking that bedroom

Once in bed, point to him how you've been trying to lay him since you were 12, that will really make him stand to attention and consider you as a future prospect. When you're getting jiggy with it and playing hide the sausage, lay there like a wet mattress and don't offer any motion. It's only men that like sex, sex is for men. If he isn't hitting any of your right spots then certainly don't guide him, Jesus, men should know that shit anyway. Let him finish up on you as you think of what's on Netflix that you can watch tomorrow, but don't forget to fake those moans of pleasure whilst you do so.

Now he's REALLY going to be into you since you've sealed the deal, about now it's good to talk about babies and Marriage. Men like to know what is in front of them. Tell him how you plan to live in a BIG house with several little people that he's partly made. You want a massive wedding and you plan to be with him FOREVER. It's great that he knows this because he was probably thinking the same. Make sure he sleeps the night by 'accidentally' locking the door.

His domain. Get in there and fast

He's totally into you now no doubt and if he hasn't already, invite yourself over to his house to be introduced to all his mates. He'll love that. Guys like to boast about the women they date. Make sure you immediately leave half your wardrobe over there so that he understands you plan commitment and that he's not to worry. It won't be long until you've moved in with him anyway.

Now is a good time to talk about trust and how you've been burned before. He needs to make sure that your needs are met all the time. He can't just go to the shop for twenty minutes without calling you three times to let you know where he is. You've seen men ejaculate in two minutes before, he could easily be cheating on you if he doesn't check in. You need to know and he needs to accept that you're a bit nervous. In time, it will get better though. Don't let him go to the pub on his own though, Jesus, men can't be trusted at all when they've had a few beers, you need to be with him always to make sure he's behaving and that those other bitches out there can keep away from him.

Kids

He's probably ready to have a child with you by now, even if he hasn't discussed it. Now would be a good plan to poke holes in all of his condoms and 'accidentally' forget to take any anti-pregnancy pills. He'll be fine, he'll be super excited that after a month he has a new girlfriend, moved in with her and got her pregnant. His family will be too. Next stop is Marriage. You go girl!

When the baby comes along it's a good thing to make sure you keep all the child-raising things to yourself. It may be the twentieth century but a lot has to be said about a child and the connection it has to his mother. In fact, you'll probably find that the connection is so good a bond that you're starting to lose feelings from your sperm donor. Try to sort it out by crying to him constantly about how he doesn't meet your needs anymore. If that doesn't work a good trick is to complain constantly; men are such good listeners that he'll eventually sit and just hear you and try to fix it. It's not your job to understand what you need, it's his.

Marriage is the only way to fix it

Marriage seems the only solution to fix out your brokenness here. After Marriage, your life will be a Utopian la la land of family niceness. Remortgage his house to play out that one day you've been waiting for all of your life, and make it the BIGGEST day ever. Invite all of your friends, even the bitterly jealous ones that you can’t stand but only allow the friends of his that you've carefully chosen for him. Can't be having anyone you don't want there.

If after the wedding things still feel the same then just finish it. It's no loss to you right now because you'll get halve of what he has and a portion of his earnings each month anyway. Life is good like that. Don't let him see his child because he never made the effort with you in Marriage so why the hell would it be any different here? Make sure you tell the child how nasty and awful the father is. Can't be having your ex manipulate your precious' thoughts.

And that's it - hope you enjoyed the other side of the coin ;)

Thanks for reading!