Protips: How to Become a Better Person TODAY - Part 1 of ???

Are you fat?

Ugly?

Broke?

Do you often wake up in the morning feeling worthless?

Is posting meaningless charts with no substance and writing about Asian internet traffic on Steemit, and getting autovoted by trails, the only way for you to feel like accepted and like you belong?

Do you have frequent thoughts of sticking your cock in a blender just to feel something, anything at all, in your empty, shallow, meaningless existence?

There's no way I can fix all of your problems, your life will probably continue to suck to a large degree, but luckily for you, I can teach you how to annoy the rest of us a lot less, making you at least somewhat less worthless in the process! And for you, that's a lot!

By following these easy steps, you can still be an at least adequate human being and function well in society:

• When operating an ATM machine, don't fucking spend two years withdrawing your cash, there are other people in line behind you. There's nothing on your bank account anyway, so there's no need for you to have a picnic while staring at your balance. Just accept it that you're a poor, and move on. Let other people operate the ATM and get depressed, too. Maybe try out a few practice runs when there's no one else around, perhaps at night. So when it's game time, you already know what to do: you insert your bank card, you punch in your pin, you enter the amount to withdraw, and you withdraw.

• When out smoking a cigarette, please realize that just because someone else near you has the same chosen vice as you, it doesn't mean he's interested in listening to you yap about your shitty day. For some of us, the moment we're out smoking a cigarette can be the only precious moment we have to enjoy time away from boring fucks like you, so be respectful.

• In the same vein as the above, when in a public place talking on your cell phone, don't fucking yell. The rest of us don't care about your phone call. We don't care about your marriage problems, gambling addiction, or erectile dysfunction. We don't care about how drunk you were the weekend before, and how you're planning to get even more drunk the next weekend, but how none of those will compare to how drunk you're going to get the week after. Cool, man, that's your life, that's awesome, but please consider leaving the rest of us out of it. Your life is boring, you're boring, your friends are boring, your hobbies are boring, everything about you is boring. And I just thought of this: learn the proper use of you're and your, while you're at it.

• Always eat your food with your fucking mouth closed, and, for the love of God, do not smack your food. Ever. Whenever I hear someone smacking their food in their mouth, my murderous tendencies grow ten fold, and when I'm doing life in prison, wasting tax payer money by the tens of thousands annually, that's on you, because the fork would not have ended up piercing your eyeball had you just EATEN WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED. See how easy it is to become a better person? Start.

• You're a person in a western society in 2017, so chances are you're carrying a mobile phone with you. Chances are it has a calculator included. If the aforementioned conditions are met, then you have no excuse to be one of those nincompoops who realize the final sum of their store purchases when they see it on the cash register - and then start to count their pennies. Realize that you can actually prepare in advance for the transaction portion of your trip to the store, by a) counting the sum of your purchase, either in your head, or with your calculator if you're less bright, and then counting the pennies way before your turn is up. This way, you're not wasting everyone's time, and make in fact people happy.

• And this just may goddamn well be the single most important one, so pay attention. If and when someone in your work's WhatsApp group asks a work related question that he or she wants answered, DON'T be the fucking asshole who wastes my time with a fucking notification for a reply that says "Hmm, I don't know!" Here's some advice: if you don't know the answer, then don't fucking reply! You sending "I have no idea!" to the chat sends a notification not only to me, but to everyone seeking an answer to the question, and congratulations, asshole, you just wasted everyone's time by proving you're a fucking moron.

An honourable mention goes to the thing specific to middle aged women where they let out sounds like "mmMMh" between sentences with that frustrating intonation that's like nails on a chalkboard. I can't describe it, so I let it out of the official list, but seriously, if you do this, go fuck yourself.

You can start today! These are all things that even you can achieve, with a little practice and perseverance. If at first you don't succeed, don't get discouraged. You haven't been able to master these in 40 years, so things won't change overnight, but I do believe in you.

I can probably think of a lot more in the future.