Girl's Circle - Empowering Females Series - Are you a bully? Relational Aggression in female's

When I was working as a Residential Advisor for Job Corp, I was asked to teach a class on Relationships and Bullying. The material used here was very effective in helping young girls determine if they were in fact either a perpetrator or victim of relational aggression. This is a free download if you wish to incorporate relational aggression in your local "Girl's Circles" or school programs. After presenting this material in the class, 90% of the females determined that they in fact were bullies in one form or another. You can download this material from the following link:

Relational Aggression Adapted from Mean Girls Workshop, 2008, Youth Light, Kaye Randall presenter

It’s a Girl Thing

Oh boy, “It’s a Girl”!!! From the beginning we think sugar and spice and everything nice! Or is it? It is tough to be a girl. Little girls grow up being taught, it’s much prettier to be “nice” and as a result when they become angry they resort to covert and at times even physical forms of aggression.

The term, Relational Aggression, was developed in the early ‘90’s by Dr. Nicki Crick. She defines RA as “emotional violence and bullying behaviors focused on damaging an individual’s social connections within the peer group.” Though a relational aggression episode can occur over and over, it also can be a one time event.

Studies have consistently documented higher rate of aggression in males than in females. Crick and Nelson (2002) found that boys use physical victimization with their friends whereas girls use relational victimization. It seems that girls intend to inflict harm on others just as boys; however the difference is in how they express these feelings. Girls tend to be covert and boys overt. Relational Aggression may be seen in many different ways such as emotional, verbal or physical. RA has two primary components: an imbalance of power and the intent to harm. Girls place a higher value on friendships and use this as a very effective weapon within the peer group. Trudy Ludwig, author of My Secret Bully, states “RA is putting conditions on a friendship, and it starts early.” “You’ve heard of conditional love; this is conditional friendship.”

Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabees, states that our culture teaches girls a very dangerous and confusing code of behavior about what constitutes “appropriate” feminine behavior (i.e. you should be sexy but not slutty; you should be independent, but you’re no one without a boyfriend).

Statistics

According to a study conducted by the University of Montreal, University of Quebec at Montreal and Laval University (2005) 80% of a child’s Relationally Aggressive behavior is due to environmental factors, such as poor parenting and negative peer influence. Brigham Young University (2005) reports that girl bullying starts as early as preschool.
According to the National Association of School Psychologists: 22% of children between fourth and eight grades report academic difficulties due to peer abuse. According to a November 2003 report released by the Center for the Advancement of Health and supported by the National Institute of Health, children are the targets

The number of girl’s ages 10 to 17 arrested for aggravated assault has doubled over the last 20 years according to the FBI’s Uniform Crime Report. (MSNBC.com, Newsweek Society, obtained June 5, 2005)

Crick (2005) reported in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology that 70% of girls have been mistreated by their friends.

Different Types of Relational Aggression

Relational Aggression:

Behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others.

Covert Aggression:

Indirect, hidden acts of aggression, social isolation, and/or excluding. Physical/Overt Aggression: Direct, blatant acts of aggression, can be physical or verbal. Harm through damage or threat of damage to another’s physical well being.

Verbal Aggression:

Obvious and hidden acts of aggression towards a child such as threats, putdowns and name calling.

Reactive Relational Aggression:

Defensive response to provocation with intent to retaliate.

Proactive Relational Aggression:

Proactive behaviors are a means for achieving a goal, for example, a girl may exclude someone to maintain her own social status.

Mean Girls:

The Realm of Teen Royalty

The Queen:

The aggressor, who chooses to hurt or damage a relationship. Her friends do what she wants. She isn’t intimidated by any other girl. She can out argue just about anyone including adults. She’s charming to adults. She’s manipulatively affectionate. She defines right and wrong by the loyalty or disloyalty around her. She won’t take responsibility for hurting another’s feelings. She seeks revenge. She feels power and control over her environment. She can be arrogant, materialistic, selfish, and superficial. Her value system and self esteem are tied to what she has. She may feel a “rush”
from feeling superior.

The Sidekick:

The sidekick is second to the Queen, but can also be a target (victim). She always supports the Queen because this is where her power lies. She is often a mirror image of the Queen. The two together present the impression of impenetrable force. The sidekick has her own personal agenda in which she uses relationally aggressive techniques. Several other characteristics of the sidekick are: she feels the Queen is the authority figure in her life telling her how to think, dress, and what to do; she allows herself to be pushed around by the Queen, and will even lie for her.

The Gossip:

Extremely secretive, gossip-self-aggrandizing, good communicator, gives the perception of being a good listener and trustworthy. Seems to be friends with everyone, has a need to be admired and to feel important. She is rarely excluded from the group. She is more of an actress. Seemingly nice, then uses confidential information to improve her position. She seems harmless but in truth she is intimidating. This girl is the confidant that cannot be trusted. She may even start a conversation with: “Don’t tell anyone I told you this but…”

The Floater:

She moves freely among cliques. She has protective factors that enable her freedoms, such as being pretty but not to pretty, nice but not terribly sophisticated, and she avoids conflicts. She is more likely to exhibit higher self esteem because her sense of self is not based in just one group. She has the respect of the other girls because she is not trying to rule but does have influence. She does not want to exclude other girls. She is not trying to win all conversations. She is not competitive. While this individual does have some power it does not equal that of the Queen.

The Bully:

She may be deviant, outspoken and tough. She displays cruelty to weaker people. Bullying is most overt. For example, cursing at or about other girls, “accidentally” bumping into them or hitting. She will use physical violence more than relational aggression.

The Bystanders (Witnesses):

The girls who are not aggressors or targets but are caught somewhere in-between. She is part of the social situation as a bystander. She finds herself having to choose between friends. She is the peacemaker (“can’t we all just get along?”). She has a hard time saying no. She does not feel that she can stand up to anyone and she may want to go undetected but still have access to the group.

The Wannabees:

The Wannabee will do anything to be part of the inner circle of the Queen and the sidekick. She is a gossiper and a pleaser and will go to great lengths to increase her position. She doesn’t have a personal opinion outside of what the Queen thinks. She is indecisive and reluctant to go against the group. She likes the feeling of belonging and not being a target, however she is often gossiped about and used by the Queen.

The Target:

She often feels helpless to stop the other girl’s behavior. She feels excluded, like a loser or a no body. She is more isolated. She gives a defensive stance that is designed to shut people out in order to mask her hurt. Girls within the group could become a target if they question someone of perceived higher social status, for example the Queen or the Sidekick. She feels humiliated from the rejection she feels by other girls. She feels exposed and vulnerable
resulting in temptations to change herself in order to fit in.

Short and Long Term Effects of Relational Aggression

▪ Interrupted Identity Formation
▪ Poor Self Esteem
▪ Feelings of Powerlessness
▪ Hopelessness
▪ Inability to Trust
▪ Poor Relational Skills
▪ Loneliness/Isolation
▪ Anger
▪ Frustration
▪ Feelings of Rejection
▪ Helplessness
▪ Depression
▪ Teen Pregnancy
▪ Substance Abuse
▪ Self-Injury
▪ Eating Disorders
▪ Suicidal Ideation
▪ Delinquent Behavior
▪ Homicidal Ideation
▪ Poor Academic Performance
▪ Stress/Anxiety
▪ Separation Anxiety

Studies indicate the top 3 effects are: 1) depression 2) loneliness 3) suicidal ideation

Methods and Motivations

Relationally aggressive girls are very creative in their methods of behavior and their
motivations drive them to always be one up on everyone else.

Methods

▪ Exclusion
▪ Ignoring
▪ Spreading Rumors
▪ Verbal Insults
▪ Teasing
▪ Intimidation
▪ Eye Rolling
▪ Taunting
▪ Manipulative Affection
▪ Three way Calling
▪ Cell Phones
▪ Cyber Bullying

Relational Aggression
(Adapted from Mean Girls Workshop, 2008, Youth
Light, Kaye Randall presenter)

Rachel Crow Lyrics
"Mean Girls"

Do you ever go to lunch with no one by your side
Cause the moment you arrive they all leave the table
Calling me everything but my name
Need I remind you again just call me Rachel
How would you feel if you running home crying
Lock yourself in your room, don't want anyone to see ya
While everyone's having fun outside, and you're telling yourself

I won't let it get to me no more
I don't wanna feel this way
I can't believe I let it go so far
No no, it's not okay
What do you know about me?
Do you wanna know what I think?
Mean girls, mean girls
I'm a just comb you outta my curls
Mean girls, mean girls
You no longer run my world
Mean girls, mean girls
I'm a just comb you outta my curls

How would you feel every time you go to school
Someone's looking at you weird calling you a loser
All these girls wearing bubble-gum pink
Guess I didn't get the memo
Cause they're laughing at my blue shirt
Well I hope you feeling good about you treating someone you know like a perfect stranger
Cause it's easier than standing by my side
Ohhh
I won't let it get to me no more
I don't wanna feel this way
I can't believe I let it go so far
No no, it's not okay
What do you know about me?
Do you wanna know what I think?
Mean girls, mean girls
I'm a just comb you outta my curls
Mean girls, mean girls
You no longer run my world

Who do you think you are
Loud mouth, cafeteria star
Maybe somebody was cruel to you
So you think that's what you're supposed to do
One day, it might be you
When you need a friend, but you no longer cool
When everyone leaves when you walk in the room
I just hope they forgive you

I won't let it get to me no more
I don't wanna feel this way
I can't believe I let it go so far
No no, it's not okay
What do you know about me?
Do you wanna know what I think?
Mean girls, mean girls
I'm a just comb you outta my curls
Mean girls, mean girls
You no longer run my world
Mean girls, mean girls
I'm a just comb you outta my curls

Mean girls, mean girls
You no longer run my world

..

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