Enter My Pain
A Tragic Romantic Comedy (PART 1)
Considering the emotional and karmic upheaval of September’s fiery energies, October has been seemingly slow for the most part, allowing for integration and healing upon so much transmutation.
Now that we are in the sign of Libra, the scales, we are being called to balance out - the external Self + Internal Self, The Masculine + The Feminine. Because Jupiter, the planet of abundance and expansion, has entered Libra and will be traveling through for the next 12 months, we are getting a closer look into our values of personal relationships. Through this discovery, all of our issues regarding relationships and self-love will be surfacing - dun, dun, dun…. Because our beliefs around Self + Other define the external reality we perceive, this transit is ultimately providing an opportunity to balance the masculine + feminine aspects within.
From October 22 - 25, a major energetic healing portal will be opened as Jupiter quincunx the South Lunar Node in Pisces is allowing us to heal the karmic woundings of relationships FOR GOOD. This quincunx provides us the chance to heal relationships issues in regards to sacrificing any part of YOU due to a lack of self-worth in fear of not being loved. Anytime we lowered our standards because we thought it was “good enough”, anytime we clung on to someone in order to fill some emotional debt, anytime we felt betrayed because ultimately it was us betraying ourself…. and LAAAAWWWD, do I know way too much about the pain of relationship issues... and well, let’s face it.. self-love issues.
For the past 9 months, I was forced to face some of my darkest demons. I journeyed into the forest of Costa Rica to a transformational community center called PachaMama. My initial intention was to practice yoga, meditate, and chill for a bit - find a deeper meaning to life - I supposed.
WELLLLLL, turns out my Soul had A LOT more in store than to just “chill” as I experienced a journey through the caverns of my own personal hell, a manifestation of my worst nightmares being realized.
However, this uprooting karmic emotional purge was triggered by the awakening of my Heart during an Ahyuasca ceremony as I truly felt and remembered Divine Love, the Sacred Union + my infinite connection to Source.
Upon returning to the ground from Heaven, I was sent into the root of my earthly karmic wound - faced with the reflection of the wounds of my mother, the wounds of my father, the wounds of feeling abused, rejected, neglected, abandoned by my lover. Triggered so deeply in my heart, buried emotional baggage seeped to the surface without warning - the pain burned so hot I was rendered defenseless, lifeless - to the point where I thought my only way out was diving deep sea, baby.
A mirror of Divine Love, so it seemed, turned out to be the exploration into the deepest shadows of my Soul. This painfully scarring polarity between the Masculine + Feminine, the oppression of the Female and isolation of the Male, drove me down into the underground where I confronted Death, I faced the fire, and Now like the Pheonix born again from the ashes, I RISE.
So in honor of the opening of this healing portal, I would like to invite you into the depths of my pain… Our Pain, in order to heal, to restore the relationship between You + I. The walls have become ever so thin, Light emerges from these wounds I have broken in, one day I know True Love will begin.
So here goes the unravelling of my soul, a tale from an exploration of the unknown -- hope it makes you cry... and then roll over and die...... laughing :P
~*~Beginnings of Bliss~*~
As I arrived to PachaMama with a sparkle in my eye, I knew I’ve arrived in Heaven, my oh my. After a weeks worth of serious karmic upheaval, shrooms in Florida, I could feel all the evil. Jumping my boundaries, I took some LSD, a low dose and mild ride, sat by the fire side by side. Melody jumped the gun and suggested a toke of DMT, I felt nervous and nauseous, didn’t seem right to me. Immediately my body rejected - shrooms, LSD, DMT - shit is too hectic. My inner voice was telling me “no, wait for the ceremony”, but I committed to the ride boldly tossing fear aside. Seems it wasn't meant to be after two puffs of smoke, nothing came to be.
So that’s why I find it so incredibly Divine to be introduced to Ahyuasca 3 days after I arrived. A new adventure had begun, I heard the birds singing and my Heart was shining like the Sun. And just in the blink of an eye, the stamp of a new cycle begins in Divine Time when his eyes crossed mine, my Heart simply went blind. And we meet again as if for the first time, my dream lover came back in a new body in a new dream time. His eyes glistening like the Earth and the Sea reflecting my ocean of Love back at me, I could feel my Heart burst open with only a few soft words spoken. I continued to let these feelings grow, somewhat resistant to let them show. I was very aware of these patterns I was delving into, trying to prepare for the destruction I bring too, but still caught in the moment I let my Love flare, beaming from my Heart, I allow him to wear.
All dressed in white, I couldn't deny this sight, some type of fairytale so far untrue that it still leads me back to you. The sip of the medicine, both our first time, its the vow we make each time the walls are too high. I watched You the whole way through, my eyes glued to You. As the medicine set in and men & women parted ways, I found myself drifting deeper and deeper into a haze.
An awareness broke through, I could feel myself shifting out of body, out of mind, into the tree, into the sky. A flame of consciousness, no one, simply an observer, so entertained by my projectional lover. Even then in this blanket awareness, the only thoughts I had were of him, he was all of my Love and my deadliest Sin. I even tried to let go, but the force was too strong, my Heart lit on fire revealing my deepest desire. This Love could it be? Burned so hot I could barely see. I felt weak, nearly dead, the only thing keeping me alive was this Love instead. I watched my whole dream unfold before my very eyes, a healing love, a force with no disguise. As just as much as my heart burns for You, it hurts just as bad. Love and pain are one in the same when you're playing the wrong game. The only word I can say was “Oy!” its the Jewish way.
I saw us in water in a crystal blue beach with white sand, I laid on my back and You healed with your hands. From there it got a lot more sexual, I felt guilty for thinking so naughty, but at the same time I didn’t care because I just wanted to give to You everywhere. And now I hear the baby is crying, how can this be so, I don’t know what it means, but it all falls in a row.
Perhaps it's my hedonistic desires that won't let this Love grow, really I just want to Love You, and I am just learning to let go. That is the guilt for wanting to be sexual, a projection of the past where true love didn't last. But I want to make this work between me and You, I do think we have some unfinished business to do. My Love is Eternal, don't let these masks fool you. Deep down I know who I Am and what I Am here to do. These layers are just fears that I’m trying to get through, so be patient with me and lets see this Love through.
I saw You on the stage just after the “guru” moved away, I saw you in full form, the next one on the thrown I’d say. There’s a big push behind You to help this world heal, and I’m here to support You as this is my mission too. I saw You transforming, so many colors, different dimensions, truly a leader in too many ways to mention. When you acknowledge your power, I will humbly bow as then I too will take my vow. This power unites us awakening the Divine within, I feel the earth rumbling, my Savior, my Twin. Eye love you so much, so this ‘i’ is still afraid to say, but the moment is soon, for this is my intention to the New Moon.
Back to Earth...The Harsh Reality
Connected to Source and feelings of eternal bliss, I longed for the union of one Divine kiss. I wondered if this Love possibly could be true, did He see these same visions too?!
Dreaming of him, cleaning my locker, I heard a coin drop, went to pick it up, and there he was, SHOCKER! I wondered where this coin had fell from as I picked it up looked like it was smushed in gum. I ignored the bizarre sign as I saw my destined lover stand before me, finally a love that was mine. We ran into each other and there was an instinctive chemical connection, our bodies joined together like two magnets. We embraced without letting go, I knew that He would know, but our connection quickly separated as the others witnessed and we were forced to distance.
Later that night, I got high as a kite smoking a joint and I took flight. Mind in the sky, body far in the ground, I grew sick and purged everything, made a really gross sound. I come back to my body laying on the floor, the sky was spinning, I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I couldn’t get up, on the very verge of just giving it up, there he was sitting before me, watching me, protecting me, helpless little me. He pushed my hair back and put his hand on my head, mumbled some semi-romantic words - I cant remember what was said.
He swooped me up in his big strong arms, as I played the damsel in distress being saved by my knight who would return me to my fortress. We returned to my lair, I invited him in to stay, it was only fair. We entered into the darkness of my tent, finally I could have my intimate moment, purely Heaven sent. But I realized conditions weren’t really ideal as I had just puked moments before and now we were kissing, didn’t really know how to feel. What I had expected to be this blissful exchange was really quite awful, he was feeling really strange. “I can’t do this,” he said, “I’m being mind-fucked, this is not where I want to be led.” So confused and shot to the Heart, I couldn't believe he was rejecting me right from the start! So I sent him on his way, lost and confused, not looking forward to seeing him the next day.
I hid from him the next few days, I couldn't stand to even be near his gaze, the pain already cut too deep, and I tried so hard to not let my emotions seep. But we worked together and I got so nervous around him, I would silence myself and avoid interaction. I felt like he had stolen my power, I was weak and my Love had gone sour. I carried heavy armor to deflect against any attacks, I was subconsciously shooting my arrows at him, a manipulative effort to get some type of reaction back. He always returned a smile, a heaping dose of cheap laughs and painful grins, seeing him happy without me felt like a sin.
I hate the games, I can’t stand the show, I wanted him back, no more attack, so I wrote him a letter with the sincerity of my soul, giving him my all in hopes for Love to grow. I gave him the note and he said he couldn't respond to what I wrote. His detachment and lack of care simply drained my Heart of all it had to bare. I found a corner and started to cry as I felt another piece of my soul die.
(TO BE CONTINUED....)
