Today has been a tough day, I wanted to sugar coat it a little and say that it has been somewhat difficult, but I am over sugar coating things. Because in the end it prevents you from fully embracing what has been happening in your life. So here it is, the truth in all it's glory, Today has been a shit day.

I feel drained and exhausted, I have cried and cried, because I tried to deal with something that I should have just walked way from. I should have walked way from this confrontation, because I do not have the strength to deal with any more grief in my life right now. But I didn't walk away, I let myself get caught up in the moment and dragged back into this toxic relationship. And now I sit here feeling like a shell, trying to not let the things that were said hurt me all over again.

It is hard to find common ground with someone, who has always made you feel, like you were never enough for them. Someone that always wanted more and more from you. I began my journey as a mother 10 years ago and it has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life, it still is. And everyday I have grown because of that. In the beginning it is hard trying to navigate your way, because you are no longer the person you once were, you are someone else and you need to discover who that is, who you are as a mother. It is so important to have someone who supports you in this, who wants to explore this journey of parenthood together with you. Because you need all the energy you have to go into that transition, to go into nurturing this little being that has come into your life.

In the beginning you are more or less attached to your child and that is how it should be. So it is often hard to find time for yourself, let alone your partner. What is really important is to have someone next to you who is willing to try and understand this journey, to let you find your way and then join you so that you both can grow together. Understanding and clear communication is so important. We all have to find our own way, a way that works best for us and for our children. I have often said that being a parent is one of the most important things that I will do , but it is not the only thing.

I have so many other things that are important in my life. The way I live, supporting women through birth, creating ceremonies, and always trying to live true to who I am. I am not perfect, I have my flaws like everybody else, I can get anger and say things that I later regret. I can push people away and I can be stubborn as hell when it comes to how I raise my children. I am very passionate about my responsibilities to my children and to the earth.

Today I had someone come and tell me that I am living a very privileged life, which yes I am aware of that. I live on land that provides food for me and my children, I live out of the system, I am with my children everyday. I am able to make just about enough money, to support me and my girls here. But just because I am privileged to live this way, does not mean it is not hard. I struggle sometimes to get everything done during the day, because first and foremost I have to meet my girls needs and I do, but that can leave very little time then for me to do other things. And there are loads of things that I want, lots of projects that I want to get off the ground so that me and my girls are financially secure. Yet there are not enough hours in the day and I am also trying to be gentle with myself,so that I do not burn myself out.

But to have someone come to you and completely undervalue all that you do, some one who was a part of your life for 11 years, that same someone who always made you feel like you were never enough for them. For them to come and dig up all the hurt and all the pain that was created inside that toxic relationship, then of course I am going to have a shit day. How else could it go. How can I talk to someone who never listens to me, who talks over me. To be honest I don't even really want to talk to him right now, because it is all too raw, it is all too painful still. I wish I had just walked away, but then I would not be here writing this and releasing some of that pain, I would still be carrying it inside of me.

What I will say, is that we really need to more present for one another when we go through, major life transitions. That each one of us is unique, our journey is unique, there is not only one way in which we should support one another. In fact we have no idea how to, until that moment arises, but expecting someone to nurture you, when you are not nurturing them is not how it works. To feel unsupported and alone in this transition is not the foundation for a healthy relationship. This works both ways, for both the mother and the father.

This is me sharing my part of my journey, my experiences, my emotions, and I can only do that, share what I have gone through. This confrontation today, brought all of this up and I need to process it and let it go. But I can honestly say I went through that transition into motherhood alone, again and again for each of my daughters births and that is such a shame. That is ultimately what made me grow apart from my partner, that and hearing that I was not doing enough, I was not enough for them.

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