For those of you following my recent medical post, where I have spoken about the joys of man-flu, you might have noted my complaints about another symptom, a visible, intermittent,twitchy thing in my neck.
Image by graehawk, via pixabay
I went to the doctor this morning, and this post is for me, a stream of consciousness if you will, documenting that pre-test anxiety that a bright mind is unable to completely dismiss before any diagnostic medical procedure. To be melodramatic, and dangerously paranoid, I could say this might be the last post I'm able to make for a while.
It could be the last one that I ever make.
But medicine is very advanced, and I'm sure an ultrasound of the carotid artery on a thirty-something male is a pretty routine procedure for a small niche of people.
I suddenly find myself within that niche, wishing I hadn't consulted dr google for what this scan might be looking for. I don't suggest that you do the same. That in turn, raised my anxiety levels about my own health - no one wants to face their own mortality, and while my logical brain tells me that this isn't the case (denial, perhaps?) - my caveman brain wants to suddenly experience everything, all at once, and rush to the front of the medical line in some sort of demented survival of the fittest type battle royale.
The other flip side of the coin is this - if whatever this ailment / symptom is was going to kill me - it isn't very efficient, and I argue, should have done so already. This is the mysterious case of holoz0r's health and creeping anxiety - for not the first time this year.
It seems fitting that the weather today is a dreary, overcast, rainy day with not much of a breath of wind.
Life is ever so precious, but I'm now growing increasingly worried about not being able to enjoy enough of it. I don't have any regrets, but there's so much that I want to do, that perceptively, even in the life span of a regular, healthy human being, I don't think that it would ever be possible to do such things.
Let alone whatever prognosis this latest issue may unravel upon me.
Life is something that is certainly worth living, and sharing your fears is something that everyone absolutely should do. Not allowing them to overwhelm you, as I fear I might be doing at the present moment - more like definitely... is the key difference.
There's one fact of life - and that fact that we all have to face sooner or later is that we're not going to be here forever. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who allows this notion to constantly invade my every waking thought. Existing is confronting, and it is something that I want to keep confronting, for as long as I possibly can.
Please try to distract me from existing in the comments.
oh my, the upside here is that it's good to appreciate life, but I'm so sorry you are put in to this unnecessary anxiety! Fingers crossed for your excellent health and vitality.
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Clean bill of health after three consecutive confirmations by the medical techs, a supervising ultrasound tech, and the doctorof vascular stuff who just happened to be standing there at the time.
An enormous weight off my literal chest.
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really glad to hear it :-)), enjoy yourself and life!
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Good publication, it deals with a subject that very few speak. The anxiety that we can have not only when facing death, but death due to some disease, that is, the degeneration of our body while we are still alive, to finally let go. Personally I do not consult Google, and I never go to the doctor. I am a bit traumatized with the diagnoses, because people I know, wrong diagnoses have really ruined their health, likewise, I have seen people once diagnosed, knowing that they suffer from some disease what they do is accelerate that disease. A friend went to the doctor with a little discomfort, she had it for a few months, after the diagnosis worsened excessively, nerves and anxiety consumed her.
I like to look to the past and see that in some periods of history, with medicine lagging behind that of today, they could live long lives. You just have to take care of yourself, do some exercise, eat well, and keep stress low.
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Thank you for your in depth response.
Incorrect diagnoses have indeed ruined the lives of others. I am a strong proponent of the "nothing's wrong" diagnosis. Dr Google is terrible, but a vast reserve of knowledge. That usually adds to stress and anxiety.
That is one of my most underlying issues, which I don't write about much. Existential dread.
FOMO - Fear of Missing Out - except there's so much I want to do, so many doors I want to open, so many trains in the station that I want to go on.
I want to go on all of them. I can only go on a few. We're not around long enough to explore everything that we want, and that gives life a sense of urgency, profoundness - and preciousness.
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