Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness in my opinion is quite a shady and misunderstood yet vitally important subject. Getting this right has the potential to keep on harming us or has the ability to heal. To me there are two extremes, and as always I believe the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

The first extreme is that if someone hurts or harms you then you completely stonewall the person out of your life, your mind, which eventually will have a negative effect on your emotions as you will probably seek to suppress the feelings whether that be through drugs, alcohol, food, or whatever your chosen choice of plaster is. Of course there are times when there are instances that are so harmful that this maybe necessary. I think the important question to ask ourselves is this is holding onto all this anger and resentment benefiting us? The reason I say this is that I was on a course last week and something very profound was said in that when we forgive a person it should always be done for US rather than them, and more importantly for our own self healing.

I believe it is quite possible to forgive a person in your own mind, that however doesnt mean that you still ever have to engage with him or her ever again. It simply means that you are now at peace with whatever happened and can set the appropriate healthy boundary where necessary. Its almost like we have this false forgiveness where the person will say 'Im sorry' and then you kind of feel obliged just to accept it, meanwhile the anger and resentment is still boiling up inside. Also its like there is a time pressure, I feel that if it takes a person 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years to accept an apology then that is absolutely ok if thats the amount of time it takes to find peace with the situation. Otherwise whats the point you are not being authentic and putting yourself 10 steps back?

Family is a big one, if its your mother, father, brother, or sister you absolutely HAVE to accept their apology, its the LAW. Again I disagree, this should not be used as an excuse to bypass your raw feelings and emotions about the situation, and if the person wronged you then well they will just have to wait. Again Im not being unloving or cruel Im just pointing out that forgiveness should be about how you are feeling at the time.

The other end of the scale is the whole 'New Age' concept where you forgive absolutely everyone otherwise its not considered 'spiritual' I often say to these people so what about the war mongerers, child abusers, and rapists? Its just a HUGE spiritual bypass which does absolutely nothing for the individual involved other than paper over the cracks. Yeah its their 'karma' but dont use me as a sounding board!

So to sum up I think we have to show real discernment and tap into our inner most thoughts and feelings. An apology should always be sincere where it is clear the other person seriously regrets whatever happened, and then only WHEN and IF you feel ready should it be acceptable. This is the way I see it anyway otherwise the cycle of hurt just continues onto ourselves and we could even end up feeling more damaged that before we accepted the apology.

Tony Sayers
Love,care, courage

www.transcendingtimes.org