According to Oscar Wilde, he once famously said, "The heart was made to be broken." Few experiences can rival the pain of severing ties with a romantic partner, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. In the aftermath, your world might feel like it's lost its ground, drained of color, and bereft of meaning. Yet, hidden within heartbreak's grip lies the potential for surprising self-growth and the gift of newfound independence and vitality.
Tears, often seen as symbols of sadness, can paradoxically fertilize the seeds of self-transformation and nurture a self that needed to be uncovered. As Nicholas Sparks wisely noted, "The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it." Here, we explore several strategies to help you embark on the journey of healing.
Make the Conscious Decision to Let Go
Healing becomes elusive when you find yourself trapped in a state of limbo, constantly daydreaming about a shared life with your ex. To begin the process of healing, you must make a conscious choice to let go. As John Grohol, founder, and CEO of PsychCentral, explained in his article "Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On," things don't magically disappear on their own. You must commit to "let it go" to make progress. This involves rewiring your mind from dwelling on past memories to envisioning a brighter future. It requires taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions, sometimes on an hourly basis.Allow Some Room for Obsessing
Even if you've made a conscious choice to let go and are actively trying to redirect your thoughts, it's natural for your mind to occasionally get stuck on fantasies about your ex. This is normal, and it's okay. Progress is seldom linear. Suppressing these thoughts may only make matters worse.
Research by Daniel Wegner, published in the Journal of Personality & Social Psychology in 1987, revealed that trying not to think of something can ironically make you think about it more. So, while it's not an endorsement to dwell in the past, occasionally indulging in these thoughts may help you think about your ex less.
- Embrace Loneliness
Breakups bring with them a profound sense of emptiness. The hours once spent with your loved one now feel like vast, empty spaces, leaving a void in your heart. Certain reminders like songs, restaurants, or movies can trigger memories of your time together. While it's tempting to distract yourself from this pain with temporary relief, a more direct path to healing is to embrace the loneliness. Go through it, don't attempt to go around it.
As the late theologian Henri Nouwen wrote in his book "The Inner Voice of Love," experiencing deep loneliness is natural. It's understandable to yearn for the person who could momentarily dispel those emotions. However, you must be willing to experience the emptiness itself, not just the temporary solace it offered.
- Distinguish Love from Infatuation
It's possible that your ex was indeed your true love. However, it's equally possible that your brain confused infatuation with love. While they can feel remarkably similar, understanding the difference can help you cope with the loss more effectively.
To distinguish between the two, consider the words of American author Judith Viorst. She explained in an article for Redbook magazine that infatuation involves idealizing your partner, attributing to them qualities they may not possess. Love, on the other hand, means accepting your partner's imperfections and loving them for who they are.
- Learn to Detach
In Buddhist philosophy, much of our suffering arises from clinging to relationships and material possessions, attaching ourselves to the notion of their permanence. By embracing the idea that everything in life is transient, we free ourselves to experience people, places, and things more fully, sparing ourselves the pain associated with attachment.
Psychiatrist Mark Epstein explains that intimacy exposes us to fragility, and accepting that fragility opens us up to intimacy. To love is to appreciate the fleeting nature of a relationship, to embrace impermanence. Remembering the impermanence of any relationship can be particularly liberating when healing from a breakup. Nothing lasts forever, not even if the relationship had never ended.
- Build a Sense of Self
As theologian Jean-Yves Leloup once said, "Sometimes we must undergo hardships, breakups, and narcissistic wounds, which shatter the flattering images that we had of ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we were, and that the loss of a cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of true happiness and well-being."
Pain can expose the work needed to feel alive within ourselves and lead us to a joy that isn't reliant on external factors. It brings us to our knees, immersed in the rubble and dirt of grief. However, this perspective allows us to build a new foundation and begin defining who we are and what we aspire to be.
- Keep Your Heart Open to Love
After a breakup, you may feel bitter, hurt, and disillusioned, swearing never to trust again. However, the fastest way to heal is to continue loving deeply and remain open to the possibility of future love. Remember, healing doesn't mean shutting your heart away but rather learning from past experiences and allowing yourself to love and be loved once more.