One decision changed everything. But it took 2 months before I realized what had happened.
That was 2 years ago now.
For the longest time, I believed that my mind was superior to my body.
I looked at my body with disgust; this outdated meat suit never worked when I needed it to. The chronic pain chewed through my joints and made my flesh feel like it was ripping off my bones. I was at war. I was fighting, desperately. But I was losing.
But giving in... giving up... was out of the question.
It's funny now. It's so obvious to me now that the stubbornness, the unwillingness to surrender is why I suffered for so long.
What happened?
Well, 2 years ago a friend offered me a tool. One that had helped her. But even though it had helped her it had taken me 6 months to get to the point where I said "yes, I will try". Again. I'm somewhat stubborn.
I tried it. I used them every day.
And one day, 2 months after saying yes, I found myself waking up. It's the best I can describe it. Research has since helped me understand that chronic stress, from the pain, from my situation, had kept me in survival mode.
I started feeling like I wanted to learn things again. I started feeling joy again.
I laid a foundation of daily journaling, meditation and movement.
I did the unthinkable.
I said, out loud " I am willing to learn how to love myself."
Surviving to Thriving
I didn't lose the war with my body. I didn't win either. I picked the third option.
I made peace with it.
I built a relationship with it. I started feeling love and compassion for it. And that was the key. My body showed me the depth of its wisdom and today I am the most pain-free I have ever been in my 39 years of life.
I'm only human though.
I have slipped up a few times and stopped journaling, meditating and moving (and using my tools). Life happens.
But each time I started spiralling back to where I started from.
The connection between mind, body and spirit is like any relationship - if we want it to thrive it takes daily work.