That Terrible Feeling

I am browsing aimlessly and thinking, "As a child, I wanted to be an adult, and when I was eighteen, I wanted to marry and have children. I was so tired of my parents saying things when I did something wrong."

  
Oh, I never stopped doing something wrong almost every day. My parents, especially my father, would always punish me for my naughty actions.

He would always say, "You will grow up only when you get married, and your children will do the same as what you’re doing right now."

I thought maybe people do better only when they get married and become parents.

I wanted to grow up fast and become a father myself. That was my childhood dream, so when I completed my education and started working, my parents forced me to marry. I accepted my mom’s choice and got married.

However, as fate would have it, we did not have any children even after 6 years of marriage. We both consulted different doctors and after my thorough checkup, I was told that I would never become a father as my sperm count was low.

I wanted to cry and kill myself, and I consulted even my friends. Then one of my friends told me to consult another doctor. I consulted another expert, who, after a thorough laboratory test, said that there was no chance for me. I thought, "Probably we shall never have children and remain childless forever."

I had reached the edge of my nerves. I was feeling so depressed and angry, even at the slightest provocation. I would have done anything to become a father. We had everything—good jobs, good social status, house, car, bank balance, but no children.

As a happily married couple, we both wanted children since I was already getting older. I was desperate and ready to do anything for children. I really envied it when I saw my friends going on holidays with their children and posting family photos on Facebook, Instagram, etc.

Source

My friends and other family members threw parties on various occasions, and they invited us. I felt too bad when I saw all of them enjoying themselves joyfully with their children, but we two were standing in a far corner doing nothing but watching them.

We both felt as if we were passing through a thunderstorm every time it happened to us.

I remember toiling so hard so I could provide my child with the best education and living standard. I even worked overtime to earn more money to send my child to the best boarding school. Was I doing it all for nothing? I was on the verge of committing suicide!!!

Suddenly I heard, "Papa." This was my daughter calling me for dinner from the dining room. I immediately closed the article I was reading on the suicide prevention website of India and joined my wife and daughter for dinner as we had to wake up early the next morning to catch our flight at 9.30 to Mumbai.