Dear @fajrularifst
Wow amazig microstory
As a reader I can tell you that it is a very well-done story, you establish the essence of the story in the first paragraph written without any waste, it surprises and leaves you wanting to know more, the ending gives the leading role to Roro Jonggrang.
Now I go as a teacher and editor:
From the title it catches me, I learn the details, you managed to synthesize the essential very well. It's a shame that the translators play against Roro Jonggrang's emotional state. (In Spanish it reads "inquieta" which is nothing. In English, it reads "anxious", which is not so powerful either. Could you find an Indonesian word that, translated into other languages, really reflects her suffering, pain, resentment for what happened?
You didn't think about the reader, you don't say what legend you are referring to, I don't see a link that at least takes me to it. I know what you are referring to, but not the other readers. Take care of that next time.
I think you failed by not including Roro Jonggrang's name. From the first paragraph I can guess her status, that her father has just been killed in a bloody battle. After that she has faithful servants, I imagine a princess, so far so good,
But I think that somewhere you should have mentioned her, that would raise the level of the story.
For example, imagine that Roro Jonggrang writes a message for some distant ally, and signs it with his name before turning into stone, and you assume the story in Second narrator.
Or, given her rank as princess, write something along the lines of:
"He came to the palace and fascinated with me, "Roro Jonggrang, the daughter of the King whom he has just killed.""
There she talks about herself in the third person.
These are just examples, but they would help a reader who doesn't know much about the legend.
A third paragraph that is a bit weak, for the story you are telling.
The ending, as I said at the beginning, is very well done.
Look at an example of a way to be more friendly to the reader who knows nothing about what they are going to read.
Task 1: 2,42/3
Thank you again for your valuable evaluation Sir @joslud.
Yes, I understand the intention of the example you gave, which is to highlight the characters in the story, so that Roro Jonggrang deserves to be recognized as one of the characters. However, I want this story to look like a person's outpouring without naming names, after all, I have provided a link to the first version of the story for comparison in the reflection section, and readers can also see it and get more detailed information about the story.
If I may respond to your statement that my third paragraph is bit weak, I admit that it is because I did structure it as a link between the second paragraph and the fourth paragraph, where the arrival of morning is the moment that leads to the absolute failure of Bandung Bondowoso. The third paragraph appears as a transition from the introductory situation to the end of the story.
I would appreciate it if you could review it once.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Dear @fajrularifst
First of all, you have every right to respond, question and even refute any statement I make in relation to your work. If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that my word is not the truth nor does it pretend to be. I like to be confronted by points of view different from mine. Rather, I thank you for your willingness to listen to my opinions.
Secondly, a micro-story must work on its own as a complete and understandable story, without needing to complement the story. This is something we will develop throughout the workshop and we will touch on the subject.
Thirdly, I somehow warned at the beginning when I said that I was assuming the role of professor-editor. From there I look with a more closed filter: the structure of the story I am reviewing. And the evaluation guideline:
From there, I felt the third paragraph was weak, I wondered, is it necessary to detail the servants' actions, or could it have been summarized in another way?
My impression is that it could have been, in another way, something that expressed, in the voice of Roro Jonggrang:
What I want to show with this is that in micro-stories, many details can affect the story, beyond the author's correct intention in wanting to name them.
I remain at your service and open to conversation.
Thank you for your attention.
P.S. I am learning a lot from your style and your endings, thanks for teaching me.
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit
Very good explanation from you, this time I understand more, word selection has a major role in micro write, thank you for being a great teacher. Best regards!
Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
Submit