Falling into the black

Over the years, I have had bouts of depression, but I see it in a more pragmatic way than most as many seem to think that "they are depressed" when this isn't actually true, they are feeling depressed. Being something and feeling something are quite different things and while this seems like semantics, I don't think it is the case. The reason is that when you are something, there is little you can do about it, but when you feel something, there are many ways to change the situation.

SRC

A lot of depressed people feel that they have no agency, as if things can't change. Yet, the same people have likely said "I am happy" at some point in their lives too. So what happened? Now, I am not a psychologist of any kind, just someone who reflects on my own experiences and observations - but I don't think feeling depressed need stop positive activity, but I acknowledge that it can make it much harder, as one has to likely push against the lack of motivation in order to move. This isn't easy.

We create mental habits in the same way as physical and once a feeling becomes a default, it feels very much physical, a part of us that is hard to change and move. Just like sitting on the couch, the more we do it, the more our body feels familiar doing it, even if it doesn't feel good as our body atrophies. These days, we tend to get used to feeling bad in someway and we get so used to adjusting downward, it feels normal, even encouraged.

I think it is encouraged, where the drive is for individuals to continually do with less, less money, less space, less relationships, less intimacy, less connection to reality. For some, it could be the quest for a minimalistic existence, but if it isn't by choice, it becomes oppressive. It requires a constant repression of wants and the energy one uses to deny something, is transferred into empowering that same thing, as it controls thought and direction.

This isn't about gratification of it either, but actual acceptance to the point where it no longer has any power at all, no longer takes up psychological real estate. Yet, we are encouraged to not only feel our emotions, but express them and hold onto them. We are incentivized to make them part of "who we are" by solidifying them into our default behaviors, so that they control the directions we go, the things we do. It is increasingly difficult to act outside of our emotions, because we have so little practice doing it.

It is because of this that the internet is filled with outrage and depressives, trolls and the triggered - all these people who act on emotion or look to illicit emotional response by preying on those who have no control. Say a particular word and the emotional reaction is predictable, take a particular position and the polarization will arise - it doesn't matter if it is important or not, whether it affects lives or not - people search for spaces where they can feel something.

So that they can get that rush of emotional charge that they crave, like addicts looking for a hit.

• Perhaps it is because in the real world we have boxed ourselves of from each other as we have delved into the digital lives created for us.
• We no longer have outlets for emotional release that come with the consequences delivered on over reaction.
• There are fewer real friends, fewer situations in which we must practice control and much more time to be in spaces where we do not have to measure our response, because there is little physical risk in our behavior.

Yet, I think there is a physical risk, because so many people seem to be struggling emotionally, triggered by any perceived slight, real or imaginary. There is a physical reaction to the emotional reaction too as behavior changes, demeanor changes, motivation changes. Are people depressed because they are depressives by nature, or depressives by habit?

Emotions are physical, they aren't imaginary, - so that means that they can be affected, they can be trained, they can be improved and strengthened or, degraded as the case may be. What we do matters, where we pay attention matters, what we hold onto or release matters - yet with all of the choice we have over our digital world, how much of it is designed to help us improve our emotional maturity and skill, in comparison to how much of it is designed to ensure we build habits that empower and justify our emotional responses.

I think that my periods of depression have been tied to a lack of control over my world, with my first experience being after I got very ill and lost the usage of most of my physical abilities.

This impacted on my opportunities in the world and had a bearing on my studies and employment opportunities - which of course impacted on my financial condition as well. Everywhere I turned, I was losing what I thought was mine to something I had no control over.

Agency. It is vital to our sense of self because if we do not feel we can control ourselves, meaning our "self" is a slave to the director. If we do not have control over our emotional responses, it means that we are slaves to whatever triggers us - the digital content pushed into our face to illicit a response, based on everything they know about us. We talk about "our" feelings - but it is those who have control over them that own them.

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The End