Pixaby
I walked around daily with the mentality that no one loves me. This effect was due to an incident that happened from a tender age. The memory of it made me feel no one loves me. I definitely won't believe you either if you say I'm a pretty girl. Growing up, I was always called a fine boy I sometimes stood up to defend myself I ain't no boy but a girl.
I could vividly recall in my secondary school when a teacher walked in and asked for the names of each individual getting to me, she said fine boy I didn't tell you to give me your name yet. I opened my mouth in awe
I am a girl i shouted this time with drop of tears. I never for once opened up to anyone, storing it in kept damaging me I became open to insecurities.
I felt no one would love me as a girl I started acting as a guy. This was in my JSS3
I became stubborn, and cause lot of troubles in school to justify my action, I acted up as as a boy . I got reported severally and when punished, I will have no reaction will I say I became hardened the feminine character a girl should possess, I didn't want to associate myself with it. I didn't fight my insecurities, it grew with me.
Coming of age,
I got to fall in love. It's crazy right?? When you see someone that accepts you despite the talks. I loved hard, I am one that would go depth if in love with you. He taught me to stop being masculine and accept being feminine. I stopped acting like a boy. I accepted I am a girl and to my surprise I started attracting friends. I got shocked, because I rarely had people admire me as a girl rather they saw me as a boy. In the long run of the relationship, he left never to return but we'll meet again on resurrection day.
I found it hard to believe he's gone. Sometimes, I pray it was just a dream. I hope it was never a reality but life happens. After sometimes, I gave in to another relationship, It required energy, I was willing to put on effort in a nutshell it came to an end. I didn't know why I tried figuring out why but finally a message was relented that I am clingy. I decided not to show this part of me anymore I acted like I don't care any longer, I find it hard to believe the word I LOVE YOU.
I keep feeling insecured, though I no longer act masculine, but I pay deaf ears to relationship. I can laugh, play and create time but won't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I am just guarding my heart. If you are one who loves hard then, you will understand that what people can move on from in weeks, can take you months to heal I'm only safeguarding my heart I always say. I decided to figure out why I attract negative relationship and discovered it is me. This is where I decided to put in effort on me, realize myself and become sth worth it.
In my journey of self realization, I discovered I should heal because hurt people,hurt people. I read books on healing and self love to help me.
I realized someone who genuinely loves you, will love you without making you feel insecured, They initially become your safe space.
During self realization, when you are away from the cruel reality of this world and focus on just you, you will learn that negative comments doesn't matter in your life because you have learnt to take care of you, appreciate you and love you daily.
Self realization will attract the right things to you and teach you that you do not have to beg people stay in your life but rather the right ones will always find themselves in.
Self realization is the best thing you need, know more about you before anyone does, understand you, manage you, set boundaries so people won't step on it, know your worth. In your self realization era, learn a skill and master it be creative.
Now, I sit back and realize that loving myself first, let people love you too. Fighting my insecurities gives me confidence.
I realize I no longer chase like I use to, begging friends and individuals that want to leave stay.
Now I say fine you can go. I let go if it seems to affect my mental health, there is nothing as interesting as the power of knowing your worth and letting go when you have to knowing fully well when the right time comes, you will experience everything which is genuine.
Now, to you who finds it difficult let it go even if it hurts. Remember you'll never lose sth that is meant to be yours. so, loosen your grip now. If it's meant to be yours it will come back better or never leave. Realize yourself now and add more worth to yourself then will you know that people of value are loved and celebrated. Love yourself first. The change states with you.
I will like to invite my friends @davidmarkgeorge @alysaa @imohmitch