In life, everyone is a product of their environment; that includes not just what’s around us, but what we deal with physically and mentally. My story goes to show what happens when both of those challenges are faced head-on. The struggle is real, I’m not going to lie. Stick with me through this and I promise, you’ll look at life differently going forward.
The Journey
I met my wife nearly 15 years ago. Both of us were just coming out of bad relationships. We met while working together for a medical company. Initially, we hung out as friends but after nearly a year, it blossomed into something more. I felt like I was 16 again. She enjoyed the simple things and didn’t need to go to bars, clubs, or expensive dinners. Our love for one another was strong and on top of that, I felt like I found my true best friend.
Being 4 years apart (she reminds me daily I’m older), she was wanting to start a family. I was a little skeptical, having a very young son from my previous marriage and seeing what a heartbreak that was, but ultimately, we decided to try. My son was happy. He was only a kindergartner and loved the idea of having a little brother or sister. My wife was flying high, looking forward to being a mom and having a child of her own. Everything was planned out, but what journey we were about to embark on, none of us were prepared for.
Misfortunes and Feeling Unlucky
I was awoken one early morning, with my wife being silhouetted with the morning sun surrounding her. The smile she had on her face, I didn’t need to put on my glasses, I could see it. “We’re pregnant” is what she told me that day. The love I felt, I can never describe it. I’ve never felt anything like it. A doctor appointment later that week confirmed what the test had shown. I was riding on cloud nine!
We worked in two separate cities by this time. I was about an hour from home. It was a normal Tuesday morning when I received a call from her. “I need you to come home”. I was perplexed but could hear something different in her voice. I asked if everything was ok and she simply said, “I don’t think so, I just need you at home now”.
I came home to find my wife sitting on the toilet, crying. I saw blood-soaked clothes on the floor. I stood, in shock, not knowing what to say, what to do. I knelt down, put an arm over her as she sobbed.
“I’m sorry, I failed us, I believe I had a miscarriage”.
We were only at the end of the first trimester, how could this happen? A later doctor appointment gave the confirmation and said that this just happens to younger women for one reason or another. For the next two weeks, we stayed home, I left her alone, I comforted her, whatever she needed.
Round 2
We made an appointment with her doctor a few months later and he said there are no underlying medical issues with either of us and if we wanted to try again, we could try. I looked at her that day, she told me she wasn’t ready yet and didn’t feel it was right to try this soon, so we waited. I appreciated my wife more for that thought. Once again showing her selflessness for what she wanted and mourned the loss of what would have been our first child.
We tried again. Immediately, we were pregnant. Happy, but cautious at the same time. We made another appointment and went through the same routine. Our doctor kept more of an eye on this one as a “precautionary” measure.
We eclipsed the first trimester and were told that with each trimester that passed, the percentages of a healthy baby being born were more likely. That helped calm some nerves. Some, but not all. One Sunday morning about a week before we were to find out if we were having a boy or girl, my wife seemed uneasy. As the day progressed, she was in more pain, and the look on her face told she was getting more scared with each passing minute.
We decided to go to the ER and be checked out. I could tell she really didn’t want to go, as I later found out she was nervous that she would be told something was wrong and we would lose another child, even further along this time.
Birth and Death
Our daughter was born weighing 10oz. She lived for 15–20 minutes and passed. Heartbreak, anger, frustration, sadness, and millions of other feelings rushed through. Doctors determined her cervix was opening too soon and as the baby got heavier, it was opening to deliver.
Our main doctor, crying also, said he knew how to fix this. When (if) we would try again, he would schedule for a cerclage to stitch the cervix shut, preventing this from happening.
A few months go by and my wife is ready. She is now armed with the knowledge of a specialist all but guaranteeing the baby, but also the anger she has towards God and the world. My Bella is a determined woman; she sets her mind to do something and by God, she will accomplish it.
We knew getting pregnant was easy, keeping the baby in until it was time was the big challenge. No matter what, our love, our promise to our daughter who fought for 15 minutes to live with us, was going to get us through this.
As the end of the first trimester came for the third time, we were scheduled for minor surgery. No worries this time. Just determination on my wife’s face. No one was going to take this away from her, she was going to be a mom. Everything went off without a hitch and we were home. We went back a week later for a follow-up and check-up.
She was feeling fine, with no pain, discomfort, or problems. However, there was a problem. After a review of the ultrasound, we found out she was funneled open all the way to the stitch. Our doctor said at one time no one goes on bed rest anymore so no worries there but after seeing this, he said bed rest for the next 6 months!
Challenges Getting to the Finish Line
Bed rest for 6 months unless using the bathroom, showering, or going to a doctor. I worked an hour from home. The family came to check on her. They took her to doctor appointments I couldn’t make. She had to get shots of all kinds to help the baby along. I had to sit and allow this to happen because I was the only one working and if I went on FMLA, we would have no income, no insurance. Work was beyond stressful. I felt awful leaving my wife at home, alone and wrestled with it daily. But, we had to do what we had to do in order to get through this so we just sucked it up and dealt with it.
As the months, until the baby comes turned into weeks, the nerves were a little less. 36 weeks. That was the magic number. If we could get there, the chances for a healthy baby would be near 100%. At 32 weeks, the numbers still looked good but we were told NICU would be inevitable. But at 32 weeks, she could come off bed rest. Our daughter was a good weight, had good vital signs, and all ultrasounds and tests showed she was a normal, healthy baby girl.
One mid-day, my wife had a routine check-up and I didn’t think about it much. By now, going to the doctor was “normal”. I received a call from her, saying they were going to take her to the hospital to induce her. She had signs of preeclampsia and she needed to be induced. I didn’t know what to say. I figured as soon as the stitch was cut, and they administered drugs to induce, my daughter would be here almost immediately. I was over 1.5 hours from the hospital. I was going to miss the birth!
Finally, Third Time is the Charm
Niyah Ann was born 15 hours after my wife was induced. We were 34 weeks along. She came out weighing just under 8 pounds, spent not one day in NICU, and only had a little case of jaundice. Seeing her big brown eyes and hearing her little coos brought inner peace to me for the first time in a very long time. But above all else, my wife smiled. She deserved the praise, the respect of all the tragedy she had gone through to finally achieve her goal; to be a mom.
This journey that we went through taught me to appreciate life. Never ever take anything for granted. Respect and appreciate everyone and everything in life. I found myself saying “Hi!” to complete strangers as an act of kindness. My anger towards God, myself, and life slowly dissipated. I learned to love again, with my full heart and soul, not just a shell of it. I gave myself unconditionally to those that deserved it and looked to eliminate those that didn’t.
I share this for everyone to cry, smile, and see that in life, nothing is ever easy but if you truly want to fight for something you want and believe in, it can and will happen. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re stronger than you think and lastly, remember, it’s not how many times you get knocked down but how many times you can stand back up, smile, and move towards your goal.
Much Love