"I am still swimming"
That is the answer to when people ask me how I am doing. Its been close to three weeks since I lost my dad, and I have come to terms with a lot of things in three weeks and it has been a lot. There is still a lot to deal with. I miss him, especially in the mornings when we would sit and have coffee and talk about whatever the day had in store.
But one thing I know about my dad is he would be pissed at me if I wallowed in self-pity. But it still does not change the fact I miss him.
Death is different then I thought it would be for me. As I said in the previous blog, I figured this would destroy me but its opened me up to a lot of things and a lot of realizations about my own life. I am really learning who the people are in my life that matter and who my real friends are. Who are the people who are making sure am okay while I try and help support my mom.
A friend has been talking and supporting me through this and I have talked a lot about how taboo death is. And how for a lot of us there is a certain amount of fear involved. My dad had talked about it a few times as his health declined, he was afraid of the future, but he hated how his body or his weight betrayed him (I might write a piece on how weight played into all this later). But he was also afraid of death.
Maybe for some death is just the new start. My hope through this is it is for him. Living life the way it was for him was not working for any of us. We all felt helpless with the condition of his body, how he could not control his coughing but also how he was unable to find it in him to ask for help.
But in all this all I can think about is how he would want me to keep swimming.
He had gentle wisdom always and I think that's what I miss most, I am realizing the wisdom is with me and I will be okay. I just have to keep swimming.
Dont ask me what I was wearing in this. I still dont know.
