When a loss makes you angry

Death is heartbreaking. But it wakes you up to.

A week ago today we found my father in his bed. He had passed away in the night after a long battle with illness. For the last fifteen years he had been fighting issues with his kidney, heart, lungs and lymphodema. Weight also played a part in his battle.

I honestly thought losing my dad would destroy me. We had been through all the possible outcomes so many times, at least six times we had been told he would not make it through the night. His battle is over and that is the best I can ask for.

Of course, I am sad, of course grief is involved. But something else I am understanding through this process is the power of joy and the power of shame. And how illness can tilt the scales.

I was going through everyone's photos to see if I could find the right photo for his obituary. I had so many from my childhood, so many from Christmas at my grandma's or different other activities but I could find very little to nothing from the last 10-15 years.

My father was ashamed of what his weight and his illness had done to his body. He hated the idea anyone would take photos of him, even if it was an amazing moment, or a moment full of joy. His illness was always there, his illness was always placing a dark cloud on the situation.

There is no doubt now he resented his body. He resented the fact our life rotated around illness and doctors. I knew all our local hospital layouts by heart. Doctors and nurses knew me by first name. His health always was the overriding concern in everything we did. He hated it, and honestly so did I.

But I will loved the moments we had. The mornings drinking coffee and talking about life. The dreaming of what could be, debating on wrestling, etc. Our mutual love of music and kites.

But we have no photos.

Because of his illness.

We could not do the things that brought him joy.

Because of his illness.

We have no really cool photos from the last 10 plus years.

Because of his illness.

He will not be there to walk me down the aisle if I ever get married.

Because of his illness.

He stopped living.

Because of his illness.

One thing this has taught me is regret is something you do not need in your life. He lived his life with so much regret that it now really sadness me. Its also taught me to be an advocate with my health and be better about taking care of myself.

This is one of the few pics I have of us together.