Dating Life

If You're Exhausted By Swiping, It's Time to Try 'Quiet Quitting' Your Dating Life

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Pouring an excessive amount of energy and time into dating can lead to burnout just as easily as working too much.
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At the end of last month, 'quiet quitting' took over the internet. Although it's been characterized in about a billion ways at this point, the concept can be summed up pretty simply: As Sarai Marie, a TikTok user who has 1.5 million followers, puts it, "You come to work, you do your job, and then you go home." The case for it is that if you're not getting anything extra for "going above and beyond," what's the point — especially if your mental health is on the line?
Anyone who's single and swiping for something serious knows full well that dating can feel like a part-time — if not full-time — job, so it's no surprise that you might benefit from quiet quitting that gig, too. Kate MacLean, Dating Expert at Plenty of Fish, notes that pouring an excessive amount of energy and time into your dating life can lead to burnout just as readily as working too much — and that's why it's so important to "embrace quiet quitting energy for a more fulfilling dating life."
What does that look like exactly? "Quiet quitting in dating is all about setting clear boundaries and being self-aware," explains MacLean. "It's about avoiding extremes, whether that's swearing off dating altogether forever or having the quest for a partner consume your waking hours."
Here, why you might benefit from quiet quitting your dating life and how exactly to do it.
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How Quiet Quitting Your Dating Life Can Make It More Satisfying and Successful
Whether you're feeling lonely, fed up with a perpetual barrage of crappy matches, hyper-focused on finding your person, or all of the above, it can be easy to pour an overabundance of time and energy into swiping or actually going out on dates. After all, it can feel like the more time and energy you spend on it, the greater the chance you'll connect with someone special. But going balls to the wall in your dating life can actually backfire.
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"Often daters believe that trying harder means giving everyone a chance, regardless of their gut instincts or energy levels," says Rachel DeAlto, Chief Dating Expert at Match. That can result in spending too much time talking to people who simply aren't on the same page.
"Studies have shown that those who focus on a smaller group of options as opposed to the limitless pool are more successful in dating," she explains. "It's a change in mindset. Intentionally dating those who meet your non-negotiables, giving those who do a chance [because] sometimes that first date is filled with nerves and leads to a poor first impression, and moving on deliberately only when you know it won't work can create far more success than constant connections that don't dive beyond the surface."
Basically, 'quiet quitting' — aka being way more intentional — lays the groundwork for higher quality results. As MacLean puts it, "Quiet quitting sets you up for making sure you do not settle for anything less than you deserve."
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How to Apply Quiet Quitting to Your Dating Life
To be fair, if you're immersed in a high-energy campaign to find a partner, stepping back sounds like something that's easier said than done. Here are a few expert-backed strategies for applying the quiet quitting philosophy to your love life.
Get clear on what you want.
DeAlto likes what she calls the "TJ Maxx analogy" — it can also apply to any similar store, like Target. "If you walk in and don't know what you are looking for, you could end up with a chair, shampoo, and sunglasses," she notes. "If you walk in looking for a blue shirt, all of a sudden your brain only focuses on the blue shirts. They pop out like they are being spotlighted, because that's how our brain works."
To date more intentionally, she recommends picking four non-negotiables, or four qualities that are permanent and non-superficial that represent personality characteristics of your ideal partner. For instance, you might choose intelligence, ambition, generosity, and humor.
"If you know what you are focusing on, you will find it easier to spot it," explains DeAlto. If someone you're checking out on an app or out on a date with doesn't meet those non-negotiables, you do not date them — no matter how attracted you are, she says.
And even if they do meet your non-negotiables, you'll want to set boundaries. Even if you aren't super-attracted at first, go on three dates, says DeAlto who explains, "Compatibility can lead to attraction even if those initial butterflies aren't there."
: Why Dating Experts Say You Should Stop Looking for an Instant Spark — and Start Simmering
Allocate a set amount of time to swiping.
Patrick Walsh, LCSW, a psychotherapist in New York City, points out that dating apps are designed to capture and monetize your attention. "So, value your attention more than they do," he suggests. "Make the apps serve you rather than becoming subsumed by their game."
He recommends setting aside 10 to 20 minutes a day to swipe and message potential dates. "That's all you need to connect with a few people and convert a casual exchange into a phone call, video call, or cup of coffee," he says.
If you're glued to the app for any longer, he notes that you may be using it to avoid an issue that should otherwise be examined, like looking for approval or generating a false sense of self-esteem.
Get creative.
MacLean says embracing innovative approaches to dating can make it feel less like an exhausting job hunt. She suggests finding creative and different ways to connect and meet someone new. "[Maybe] that's tuning into a funny live stream together, playing an online game against each other, or going out with a group of friends first," she explains.
Practice self-compassion.
"Dating is something you can't really force, but when you are feeling particularly lonely it is tempting to feel some control over your dating life," says Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Bay Area, California. "This can lead to upping the effort by swiping and dating as much as possible."
When you're in this headspace, there's merit to taking a step back and acknowledging the loneliness or longing for a partner, says Macadaan. "That's natural and soothing versus trying to force your way out of those feelings by making dating work at any cost," she notes.
Consider taking an actual time-out.
"If you are putting far more energy into dating than you are receiving from dates, it may be time to take a break," points out DeAlto.
Sure, you might not want to take a break as a result of FOMO, but it can pay off. "Being reinvigorated and hopeful again allows daters to show up in a different way after taking a week or a month off," she notes. "It's about energy management above all."
: The Surprising Reason Why Unrequited Love Might Be a Pattern in Your Dating Life
The Main Takeaway on Quiet Quitting Your Dating Life
It's easy to get hung up on the idea that dating is a numbers game. Walsh acknowledges that, in many ways, it is. "You need experience to learn yourself, learn others, and to understand how the shape of your personality fits the shape of someone else's," he says. "The more people you date, the better your understanding."
But it's also important to remember that dating is a quality game. "You need time, attention and presence when getting to know someone," he notes. "You need your heart, your spine, your charm and discretion. If you chase numbers too doggedly, you sacrifice quality." That said, you'll do best when you strike a balance — and do your best to protect your energy.
As Macadaan concludes, "When you stay in flow with your dating life and with what level of effort and swiping feels good — versus exhausting — you are more in alignment with yourself, and that is what leads to the outcome you want at the right time."

02
Dating in College is Hard

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The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
Dating looks different for different people at different stages of their lives, but most people tend to agree on one thing: dating is not easy. The movies we grew up watching made us believe that love would come in the form of a serenade, a public confession, or an airport proposal. Realistically, it takes a lot of time and energy. It can also depend on certain outside situations that could halt or contribute to its progress. Like, say, a pandemic.
According to Pew Research Center, 71% of people under the age of 30 who are looking for relationships, have said that dating has grown harder during the pandemic. I know for me personally, the pandemic has definitely turned me away from dating. I feel uncomfortable socializing and avoid going out if possible.
Dating apps seemed to become a popular workaround for this issue. According to The Center for Digital Humanities at Vanderbilt, 31% of Americans using dating apps were using these services more now than before the pandemic. Dating online has worked for a lot of people, especially in times when they could not meet up in person and could only interact online through texting or calling. Personally, I tried dating apps for a while, which was fun initially but quickly lost its novelty. But now that public places are opening back up and people are back to seeing each other again, the original difficulties with dating have come back stronger than ever.
Dating is especially difficult for college students. According to Elite Daily, time management is one of the biggest issues with dating in college. The truth is there just isn't enough time. College students have to balance school work with social life, while also meeting basic needs like getting enough sleep, food, and exercise. And unlike in high school, there's no longer any guarantee that we will see and be surrounded by the same people every day.
College life and the effects of the pandemic may be making the dating world look a little bleak, but it doesn't have to. To look at things on a more positive note, it's all about adapting and working through it together. Because in all of the studies provided above, there were still a lot of people in happy, committed relationships, and a lot more looking to be in one. Reading through them actually made me look at dating with a little more optimism. Hopefully in due time, we will all figure out how to maneuver through these obstacles, and eventually find our person. For now, know that you are not alone: dating is hard.

03
A Timeline of Christina Hall's Dating Life, From Tarek El Moussa to Her New Marriage to Josh Hall

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Christina Anstead’s dating life has been the subject of fascination for years now, not least due to her unconventional choice to co-star with ex-husband Tarek El Moussa in reality show Flip or Flop long after their romance fizzled. But it was another show of Christina’s, Christina on the Coast, that introduced us to her more recent ex-husband Ant Anstead, who seemed for a while like the happily-ever-after she had been looking for. When trouble in paradise struck there too, and with the circumstances of her divorce from Tarek still remaining somewhat mysterious, many have looked back to Christina’s dating history and wondered what they might have missed in the seemingly happy weeks that led up to both unexpected splits.
Come 2020, Christina and Ant are both single agents co-parenting their 1-year-old son Hudson, while ex Tarek is engaged to fiancée Heather Rae Young, who’s also co-parenting son Brayden and daughter Taylor with Christina. It’s a modern family for sure, and one we have the luxury of watching across multiple reality shows (including Heather’s Selling Sunset). But as Christina takes some time to decide who her next partner might be, we’re looking back at the blonde stunner’s complicated history of heartbreak, breakups, and new love.
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Tarek El Moussa, Oct. 2006 – Dec. 2016
Before we ever knew Christina Anstead, we knew Christina El Moussa (née Christina Meursinge Haack, should anyone be wondering like we were). She and Tarek first met when he was dating someone else and they were both working in real estate after college, so the date they met isn’t the date they started dating — but luckily, Christina provided that for us too.
“The day Tarek and I officially started dating, which was October 9, 2006, we moved in together,” Christina told GoodHousekeeping.com. Three years later, the couple married in 2009 and welcomed their daughter Taylor in 2010. By 2013, they were kicking off their hit real estate show Flip or Flop — but the year brought serious heartache to the couple too.
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Click here to read the full article.
That year, Tarek was diagnosed with cancer via a nurse spotting a lump on his thyroid on Flip or Flop and suggesting he seek medical help. He and Christina were also trying to conceive a second child, having lost one pregnancy in 2014 and undergoing another round of in vitro fertilization at the same time that Tarek was in cancer treatment.
“I lost 60 pounds, I was on Vicodin every day,” Tarek told The Dr. Drew Podcast of those years. “On top of that, my hormones are off, I’m on pain meds and narcotics, and I’m filming and working. It was a really rough three, four years … It was a horrifying experience.”
In 2015, they welcomed son Brayden, but their moment of bliss was short-lived as the pressures of working full-time caved back in on both of them. The couple underwent counseling after a frightening incident in 2016 that involved the police showing up after Tarek left the house with a gun (he later claimed it was a misunderstanding). They sought counseling, but ultimately split in December 2016, with Tarek filing for divorce in January 2017 and citing irreconcilable differences.
Gary Anderson, Jan. – March 2017
Around 2015, which we now know to be a not-so-stable time for Tarek and Christina, they hired a contractor named Gary Anderson to work on their pool. In the months that followed, sources told InTouch that Tarek was growing jealous of Christina’s attentions toward Anderson.
“Tarek saw Christina’s phone and [believed] there was some inappropriate texting going on between Christina and Gary,” the source claimed, adding that they believed their infamous 2016 incident was sparked by this conflict. Once Christina and Tarek split for good in 2016, they denied these rumors, stating: “Neither of us was involved in a romantic relationship with any third party prior to our separation, or believes the other was.”
But just a few months after their split, Christina revealed that she was dating Anderson, and the match was reportedly tough for Tarek to stomach.
“It’s hard for Tarek to see Christina dating, but it’s even worse that Gary is the guy she’s with,” another source told InTouch. “There’s nothing that could be more upsetting to Tarek than to see her with a guy who is like him but better — and that’s Gary. He’s in the same industry as Tarek, but he’s older and more established and has more money.”
Fortunately for Tarek, this relationship didn’t last long and they were on the rocks by May, with a friend of Anderson’s claiming the contractor “doesn’t even like being around [young kids]” like Taylor and Brayden. And that sure sounds like a good reason for a single mom to break up with someone to us.
Nate Thompson, March – April 2017
Our next suitor for Ms. Christina? Anaheim Ducks hockey player Nate Thompson, who also had a short-lived romance with Real Housewives of New York City star Bethenny Frankel. This blip in Christina’s dating history was basically over as soon as it happened, with her enduring love for Ducks games leading fans to think the relationship went on for longer than it really did.
“Nothing dramatic happened — it was super casual from the start, and they were never an official couple to begin with,” one source told Entertainment Tonight in 2017. “Bad timing on both their ends never really let it evolve into something serious. They remain friends and there are no bad feelings between them at all.”
Doug Spedding, June – Oct. 2017
While Christina first dated Doug Spedding in her 23-and-under days (otherwise known as B.T., or Before Tarek), we mainly know him as the guy she was cuddled up with on the 4th of July the year after her Tarek divorce. This relationship, while longer than her fling with Thompson, only lasted around five months before life got in the way, this time in the form of Spedding checking into an inpatient rehabilitation center for addiction that October.
“Christina supports Doug’s decision to seek treatment and remains in contact to support his recovery,” her representative told Us Weekly at the time.
Ant Anstead, Jan. 2018 – Sept. 2020
And then there was Ant. In January 2018, Us Weekly confirmed that Christina was dating the UK-born Wheelers Dealers host, who shared kids Amelie and Archie with ex-wife Louise Herbert.
“Tarek likes him,” Christina told Us at the time. “What’s not to like? Everybody likes him. He’s a great guy. [My kids] love him. His kids are amazing. Like I said, he’s a great dad … His kids are very grounded and they’re very polite. They’re great kids.”
By December 2018, Ant and Christina had tied the knot at their California home in an intimate setting, and told the world that their meeting through a mutual friend was fate. By January 2019, Christina El Moussa had become Christina Anstead, and by March 2019, Christina was showing off the first ultrasound for the baby who would become Hudson Anstead.
In September 2019, they welcomed baby Hudson, and his first seemed from the outside to be full of grateful family moments and exciting milestones. But just a year later, the couple announced they were separating in September 2020.
“Ant and I have made the difficult decision to separate,” Christina wrote on Instagram. “We are grateful for each other and as always, our children will remain our priority. We appreciate your support and ask for privacy for us and our family as we navigate the future.”
In November, she filed for divorce from the TV host and has since resumed filming Flip or Flop with ex Tarek El Moussa. Ant has hinted on social media that the split was not his idea, but since seems committed to moving on and putting baby Hudson’s needs first.
Thus far, there doesn’t seem to be a Gary Anderson figure on the horizon who we could expect to debut their relationship with Christina in coming weeks. Between co-parenting with her first ex-husband and co-parenting with her second ex-husband, she’s got a lot on her plate. And with the whirlwind history we’ve just laid out, we’re in full support of her taking a breaking from dating for however long she needs.
Josh Hall, July 2021- Present
Back in July 2021, Christian announced through social media that she began a relationship with realtor Josh Hall, calling him her “Ride or Die” on social media.
For a while, the new relationship garnered a lot of negative comments, leading Christina to turn off the comment section for a while. They appeared frequently on each other’s Instagram, from adorable parties to blended family snapshots! And then in Sept. 2021, she revealed that he popped the question!
Then in April, Christina and Josh married! But they had a ceremony in Maui with their friends and family over Labor Day weekend, and the photos are unbelievably sweet!
While the two are in newlywed bliss, we’re hoping to see more good news pop up from this whirlwind, loving romance!
Before you go, click here for all the celebrity splits and divorces we never saw coming.
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