I've always been a nervous person. At the age of 26, I can look back on my upbringing and see the beginnings of anxiety forming.
Around four years ago, my stressful behaviors turned into anxiety. I wasn't fortunate enough to have kept any close friends from my school days, and after high school, I went through a reckless phase, forming associations with people I should have avoided.
I was virtually friendless when I decided it was time to leave this chapter and all of the people involved behind.
I expended all of my physical energy working full-time (which meant two jobs) while pursuing a full-time university degree. Working seven days a week and completing university coursework after 12 hour shifts was required.
If you're wondering why I put myself through this, it's because I had a strong desire to travel and a great companion with whom I couldn't imagine seeing the globe without. As he wasn't in a position to pay for himself, I took on the financial burden of paying for him to travel with me on these holidays.
When I meet new people, one of the first things they ask me about is how many abroad vacations my spouse and I have taken. Yes, we've had the good fortune to travel over the world, but most people don't realize that travel was my escape. It gave me something to look forward to and something to help me get through my life's endless days of misery. When I was aboard an aircraft and it took off, it meant I could get away from the life I despised for a while.
I sacrificed every part of my social life and well-being in order to work these long hours. This meant I only interacted with a tiny group of people, none of whom were females my age. I ate poorly and did not exercise, resulting in weight gain since I was too tired to cook or go to the gym after work. Every cent of my salary was spent on sending two individuals on repeated abroad vacations, therefore I was never able to enjoy anything in my daily life.
This trend continued for more than two years, during which time I acquired severe social anxiety.
When I was battling with social anxiety, I felt a sense of overpowering panic when interacting with people I didn't know. I couldn't look people in the eyes when I spoke to them, and I found it difficult to have a conversation. I came across as both quiet and shy, as well as unpleasant, which anyone who knows me knows is the exact antithesis of who I am.
My self-esteem was at an all-time low during this time, and every time I glanced in the mirror, I felt disgusting. I tried to avoid people as much as possible, and I always felt like I was embarrassing myself when I went out in public. "Why would anyone want to be friends with you?" said a voice in my brain all the time. You're unattractive and pitiful."
Things improved after my spouse completed his apprenticeship and was fortunate enough to land a well-paying job. For the first time in our relationship, I was no longer financially responsible. For the first time in over three years, I was able to spend money on things that may appear insignificant but have a significant impact on our self-esteem, such as getting my hair done and purchasing new clothing. I also reduced my obnoxious work schedule.
After a year, I'm delighted to report that things have greatly improved.
Would I claim that my life is ideal and that I am content every day? No. Do I, however, still have the impression that I'm dying on the inside? In no way, shape, or form.
I made tiny changes that had a significant impact on my life. Such as joining a netball team, going to the gym on a daily basis, and pushing myself to socialize socially whenever possible. I still struggle in social situations, but not nearly as much as I used to. Most significantly, I have a girlfriend who has stood by my side through all of my anxiety attacks and sleepless weeping nights, all the while loving me unconditionally, even when I was a difficult person to love.
I recently started a job that I imagined would be the start of my professional career. However, things do not always go as planned, and I discovered that this work was causing my anxieties to resurface. I was returning down the path to the gloomy location where I had spent so much time. I can honestly claim that I put my mental health first and quit this work for the first time in my life. It took me much too long to crawl out of that terrifying, pitch-black environment, and I have no plans to return.
My story may seem insignificant in comparison to what some people go through, but if even one person can empathize, it was worth publishing.
So, if you're out there, I assure you that things will improve. Simply keep going, one day at a time.