Through the Fog: Depression Amidst New Beginnings

Confused

I am confused like never before, and when I write that, I mean the essence of all confused states I have ever been in: thick and impenetrable. The reason for this confusion is a job I recently started. After being unemployed for over a year, everything feels wrong: the type of contract I got, the supportive and nice behavior of everyone, even the job I am doing. I was hired because of my experience, and putting my impostor syndrome aside, I believe I do a great job. But I simply can’t shake off the feeling that something is wrong. Are echoes of the abuse and maltreatment in my last job responsible? Funny enough, I see and hear my old boss everywhere. I have absolutely no clue.

It’s considered one of the top places to work where I live, and many would give their right eye to even get an interview there. And here I am, can't allow myself to be happy about it. Finally, in about two weeks, I will receive my first paycheck in over a year, even get to present my child a nice gift for Christmas. My partner is happy for me and tells me it’s a great opportunity, but I still feel stuck.

Why is that? Why do I feel like I’m digging my own grave?

I simply can’t let this sad feeling in myself go and arrive in a slightly happier place. Parallel to the job, I started to go to a creative part-time school. It’s twice a week, and on the days I go to class, I wake up at 6 am, drive to work, work, and look the entire day forward to these two hours of school. I come home at 11 pm but smiling these two nights a week.

I don't need to be happy 24/7, and I am happy to see my partner and child after work, but still, I wonder why I have this gut feeling that something is not in order, this little whisper in my mind telling me “Run far, faaaar away,” and I think, “Where to? Everything I love is right here in front of me.”

I now get up every morning, do my job responsibly, but in the few weeks I've worked so far, I haven't arrived anywhere. I don't feel as part of a team; most of the folks I'm working with are remote, and the few that are here in the office are in the same organization of my company, but they don't even know the projects I work on. The current job is a temporary contract for six months, and if everything goes well, I will either be hired or the contract extended. Maybe that's where this weird gut feeling comes from, because I know my time in this place has a very possible expiration date. No matter how well everyone behaves towards me, I can't really build relationships knowing I will be out soon. If I'm honest, it feels like the last 60 days in a role after I quit; I simply do the job until I start something new. I know I will leave soon, so I simply do my best and get it over with.

At work, I feel disconnected and alone, but in school, I feel connected and welcome. Maybe that's just me; maybe I worked too long alone and remote and expected this to be different. As I mentioned, everyone is supporting and rooting for me. Almost every day I receive a good word for my contributions, and it makes me proud that I still know my work in and out after such a long break, but the gut is the gut is the gut.

I write these lines to explain it to myself in the hope of finding a solution, but reaching this point of the text, I feel even more miserable, which is usually not the case.

What’s my plan?

I don't really have one. There is only one solution: CONTINUE. Go to work, attend school, collect the paycheck, and try to see the positive. Get my family something nice for Christmas, keep trying to break through this negative wall, overwrite the past bad experience, and work on myself.

I want to be positive and get over this sour phase, but I'm so confused.

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