Carl Jung says, “That which we need the most
can be found where we least want to look.”
That’s when I realized…
I have cancer.
I felt its kick when I listened to Peterson:
“You are a bad person; you just don’t know it yet.”
Though, I decided to ignore
the throbbing at the pit of my stomach,
because I decided that he was wrong.
The second time I noticed the pain,
I was talking to my sister about money
I thought, “One digit more couldn’t hurt.”
But the pain got even worse.
Now it’s bothering me too much.
I take breaks during conversations
to catch the culprit,
looking at the mirror,
touching my head,
hoping to find nothing.
“Where did it come from?” I asked once.
Was it from my mother who uses it like tool?
Was it from my father who tricks himself to feel good?
I often see it in my sisters when they’re making excuses.
So maybe it runs with the family.
Or maybe it was my fault all along.
Though, I’m pretty sure I was careful all the time.
I check myself here and there for signs of damage
As I age, I talk to myself more often
And the more often I do it,
the more cancers I find hidden inside
A blanket to keep us safe from harm
Like a little tweak in the story we tell ourselves
An illusion to keep us warm
Like a lie to appear bigger and stronger
I knew it all along since high school.
I’m will not be completely healed.
But, I guess, I’m getting there.
Because I looked where I least wanted to.
But just like cancer,
I couldn’t get rid of it.
It grows inside, looming, waiting to bite.
like a deliberate joke from my maker.