Many said that once time is lost you'll never be able to get it back. And today, I sat down wondering where I spent the last 3 years of my life. I wonder if I ever really happy with all the choices I made. First, I finally realized that I went to school just for the sake of "because everyone at my age goes to school". Then, I learned that I probably won't ever use the piece of paper that I obtained to get a job. Finally, I learned that my current major does not give me thrills and challenges. Maybe it does but I consider it pretty boring for me.
I spent pretty much my 19-21 traveling around, chasing thrills and none of them involved school. I felt like I was growing more than when I stayed at school. I found love and salvation through programming. I was always excited whenever I managed to fix a bug, created something, and made things work. But even then, I am not expert enough to make ends meet from it. So, I have to resort to the only way I know to make money, writing.
I got tired of that too. Then, I had to go back to school because I am supposed to finish it. My parents have spent so much money, so much energy just to keep me staying at school. I said sorry to my mom once for not doing what I was entrusted with. Even then, after saying sorry I don't have more energy to keep up with school. I know that my grades were fine but that's not emotionally satisfying for me.
Finding what's emotionally satisfying is difficult. There are many things I did that barely last. I am easily moving from one project to another without finishing all of them. Writing this piece took me more than two hour. I usually finish a piece less than an hour especially when it's a form of free writing. I went from super focused to not knowing where I wanted to take this piece. I lost trail of thoughts as I juggle with choosing music on youtube and feeling nostalgic about some of it.
That's about it for today.
~ Mac