The Psychology of Language: There are Very Few Things We "Have to" Do!

I'm going to start out with a somewhat bold statement: The whole idea of "having to" do anything is largely a figment of our imagination!

Before you get too offended, I'll add that what I mean by that is many of us go around saying things like "I have to go to the shops" or "I have to do my laundry" without giving a second thought to our turn of phrase.

But most of the time that isn't really true; it's a "story" we tell ourselves about the degree of urgency/importance of something we choose to do.

And the emphasis I must place on this is the fact that we choose to do these things in 99% of the time.

What Are You Covering Up?

When we say things like "I have to call my mother" — even though we don't necessarily want to and there's no real reason to — we're often just responding to a sense of obligation we have.

Now we can argue that this is "what you do" if you're a decent human being and I won't argue with that, but in most cases nobody's holding our gun to the head and saying that you must do this or you will die right now!

But this isn't just a post about semantics and the use of language. It's also about honesty, mindfulness and healing old wounds we might carry around.

There is a risk that we get into toxic territory when we start using "have to" as a way to (dishonestly) excuse ourselves from participating and engaging.

The classic "funny" version goes something like "I'm sorry, I can't come to your party because I HAVE TO organize my sock drawer." Of course, you don't really; the truth is that you don't want to go to the party.

In most cases, it's a common and relatively common way of talking.

Getting in Your Own Way

When working with counseling clients, false "Have to's" often show up as a way to get in your own way.

Suddenly, I am presented with a long laundry list of relatively irrelevant "have to's" that must be taken care of before the client can embark on something really important like quitting a job they hate, or pursuing a life-long dream or even extracting themselves from an abusive relationship.

"I have to ____" becomes a way we keep ourselves trapped in a place we don't actually want to be... and it serves as a safety barrier between ourselves and facing our fears.

Our fears are typically many and varied, and often involve a fear of shattering a carefully arrange "public persona" that isn't even making us happy!

But that's a whole separate issue for another post!

Thanks for coming to visit, and Bright Blessings to all!

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