Loosing a baby hurts

Hi steemit family
Good morning hope u guys are doing perfectly fine. I got up this morning not really happy not sad but emotionally drained. And I hope and pray no one ever feels this way trust me
It was September 2019, when I realized that i was pregnant. Well not being married gave me a mixed feeling. U know what will my parents say or think.... What will society think of me... What will next about my life.... And the question most woman ask then selves what if the author of the pregnancy denies.... So after a long thought of everything I decided to to face my fears. But deep in me I was happy and decided that no matter what am keeping that bundle of joy. But thank God all went well with my family and that of the boy I was involved with. But I can't lie I was stressed out

Time past and from time to time I took I'll. I would spend most of my time in the hospital. But I didn't see that as much of a challenge cus it got to a point where I had to fast and pray while pregnant cus I knew our God is faithful. Withing that period I used to buy dry fish from limbe and sell here in bamenda wc was really profitable. And that's how days kept passing, months past from one anti netal to the next. Ecography to the other and I was slowly drowning near to my expected date of delivery

May 2020, my month of delivery arrived.But it so happened that I had some complications. Wc made delivery hard. After alot of time waste ( 3 days in the hospital), on going to check the futal heart beat he wasn't breathing well and that's how I was rushed to the theater for an operation. The doctors we kind and behold I saw him all bulky, handsome and tears of joy came out of my eyes. Then I was taken to my words being eager to see my son the next day, my mum kept saying I should get some rest. There are new something was wrong. I insisted and was taken to the nursery where I saw him on oxygen. My heart break. The pain I felt couldnt be explained.
 So I spent some time with him and later went to get some rest. Then that painful day ( the next morning) came. I went to see him after taking my bath with the pain of operation i managed to walk into the nursery. And realized his seize had reduced and he was wasn't active then the called for the doctors. On trying to read his vitals the machine could not but on another child it did work. And I carried him and saw him dying right in my palms. I cried my self out but there was nothing I could do.

 Steemit family I went home after two days empty handed.no child. Just hurt pains, a heart full of thoughts asking why me. But I had friends, family who comforted me.Not even an enemy will I wish such a tragedy to him happen to him. I may have moved on. But the memories lives inside of me. So this morning was one of such days where I can't even smile. But in it all I give God thanks. Me being alive is a testimony I hold with boldness. 
U may have had such a situation or maybe worst. But keep moving. Yes cry but don't allow that take the best part of u.sending hugs to those who need it.