Rating: 4/5
AKA: Beach Rat Bingo Babes
Watch Here: https://www.bitchute.com/video/wumIup0dKEzx/
"You Don't Just Unzip A Man And Say Goodnight!" - Thom
Messiah of Evil isn't clowning ya'll and if you don't like listening to Wagner or eating beach rats, you're in the wrong hood.
After a wonky intro about holding on to love and some dude getting killed by a weird monotone faced bitch, we're introduced to Arletty preaching about pissing on the floor, eating bugs and no one being able to hear you scream, but this ain't Aliens ya dig?
Additionally Mariana Hill is no Sigourney Weaver. Ironically as dumb as it may sound, this is where the movie really starts to heat up, as it prepares you with suspensful sizzle. And that's what you're gonna get lads, a sizzling cinematic morsel that will stay with you long after dementia sets in.
The movie flashbacks to Arletty driving to Point Dune looking for her artist father. She rolls up to a gas station where she witnesses the attendant unload his entire six-shooter out in to the woods.
Sounds like wolves/dogs to Arletty, but the attendant calms her straight the fuck down and insists its just rabbit and quail. He's hunted in them woods ya see?
Before leaving the gas station, an albino truck driver pulls in wanting 2 dollars of gas no knock cuz'. The attendant seems a bit rattled, but not enough to mind his own business.
The attendant looks in the back of the truck the Albino was driving. There he sees some comatose/dead/trippin' mother fuckers and quickly turns his attention back to pumping gas.
All this while the albino is checking Alretty out. I have some thoughts on why he was straight facing her. See her hair is really fucked up, even for way back when, shit looks like they spray painted fake spider webs from the local Spirit of Halloween store, mounted it on some Styrofoam and taped that shit on her skull.
The attendant tells Arletty not to worry about paying for her gas as he's a bit spooked, the albino notices this slight awkward exchange as Alretty gets outta there.
BTW the attendant had the nerve to ask this cat if he wanted some stamps, guess that 2 dollars of gas and snooping in his shit wasn't enough huh? Anyway one thing leads to another, the attendant gets killed by that bitch from Paperboy, and his body raised up by some hydraulics, as blood seeps outta him. (actually pretty cool)
Arletty goes to her pops place, doesn't find him, but discovers his journal detailing his descent in to madness.The next day Arletty goes to the local art gallery hoping someone there knows her dad.
An old blind/mute something feels her face up, snaps her fingers and gets this Muppet reject in to the room. She then proceeds to Morse code to this mother fucker Arletty's request. After a snide send off, Arletty is given a tip on another individual looking for her father.
ENTER THOM
Thom is a pimp from Portugal who owns a castle and has a consort of females that follow him everywhere. He is a collector of art, stories and ass. Arletty discovers Thom sprawled out at the local hotel surrounded by his ladies and a drunk fuck named Charlie.
Now if you get to this point in the movie, and you've seen some shit in your day, you'll recognize Charlie as being the drunk fuck from the Original House on Haunted Hill. He also has a great story about how he was born, I won't spoil it here but would make great meme material.
Alright fast forwarding to the point of all this shit.
Basically there's a blood moon that came 100 years ago, made folks in to zombie like cannibals and the town had to put the smack-down on those who partook of human flesh, and the mysterious stranger that caused it (it's hinted as being the devil but he looks like he was an Amish extra from Kingpin).
Now the moon is starting to get more and more red, and the folks around town are acting up again. For instance the albino and his jacked up crew, the old lady from Paperboy killing the gas attendant, and various other folks in town.
Not gonna lie, there is a lot to unpack with this film, there are scenes filmed so well that it should be outlawed, genuine moments of creepiness and dread, the likes you don't get anymore.
Oh sure we get titties and the obligatory gratuitous sex still, but where the fuck is the art? On the fake titties? Thom tries to put the move on Alretty, and delivers the great unzipping line at the top of this shit, but he gets denied.
Thom also basically gets turned in to Jack from Titanic, as his main new girlfriend is directly responsible for his aquatic fate.
FINAL WORD -
MR. HELLBOX - So many scenes that you need to watch in the dark, and without interruption for the full effect.
Lot's of Thom flexing his pimp wit (We all know this cat ain't from Portugal nor does he have a castle, but telling folks he does sure seems to work)
Plenty of mystery here too, helps in tying the more unnerving aspects of the film together. Get a pizza, get buzzed, and enjoy some art you fucking plebs. - 4/5
Schlong Long - 2 Dollars, No Knock! Basically means "Fuck around and find out." Don't peek in to someones truck ffs. - 4/5
Prince Pectorals - As a matter of fact I do like Wagner, and I would have ate those beach rats. Come to think of it that's good fucking protein, I really want to join these guys on the beach, do some surfing and chin ups.
That condescending bitch that got picked up later on in the flick by the albino truck driver, was ungrateful as fuck. - 3/5