7 Keys to Building Strong Families

If you survived a nuclear disaster, when the danger was over and you came out of hiding, what would be the first thing you would look for? If you are like most of us your answer is simple and wouldn’t take much thought.

You probably wouldn’t be too concerned about the paint on your house, the flowers in your garden or the football game that had been interrupted. You wouldn’t look for a thing. You’d look for a person. You would frantically search for your husband or your wife, your son or your daughter. You’d want to find your family and make sure they were safe.
Some time ago I saw an interview of a couple who had lost their home and all of their possessions but had barely escaped the fury of hurricane Georges. They were exhausted, soaking wet and holding onto each other and their children.
After answering questions as to what they had lost the husband turned to the reporter and said, “Most of what we lost we can replace. It may take some time, but we’ll bounce back.” He then looked at his wife and his kids and with a lump in his throat said, “I just thank God we were able to save what we could never replace.”
The quality of family life influences every other part of our life. Surveys tell us that the greatest source of happiness in life is the family. The same surveys tell us that the greatest source of frustration and disappointment in people’s lives is dealing with family problems.
Every one of us, including you, is part of a family. In fact we’re part of several families. You didn’t have any choice in the matter. God has designed the family as the basic unit of all society. As goes the family, so go our communities. As go our communities so go our states. As go our states so go our nations. As go our nations so go entire civilizations.
You may be surprised to learn that there is a clear pattern to the rise and fall of great societies such as Rome, Greece and Egypt. When they were at the peak of their power and prosperity, the family was strong and highly valued. However, when family life became weak, when the family was not valued, when they began to value things rather than relationships, when society became extremely individualistic, the society began to deteriorate and eventually fell apart.
A short time ago I heard an interview with former President George Bush. He expressed regret over his failure to help American families more during his term in the White House. “I thought of all the things I had the power to do as President,” Bush said. “I moved half a million Americans over to the desert to show the world that aggression would not stand. A president has great power over foreign policy.”
“But if I had a chance to do one thing, it would have been to further the return to this country of an internal moral compass. We cannot continue to produce generations born into despair. We must say every choice is a moral choice, and some things are simply morally wrong.”
Bush said his experience since leaving the White House – as a grandfather instead of president – has been enlightening. “We love having the kids around,” he said. “I really believe that family is what it’s all about. What kills me is the decimation and decline of the American family.”
I agree with Chuck Swindoll who writes, “How parents raise their children will have a greater impact on society than the way they vote, the art they create, the books they read, the technological problems they solve, or the planets they visit in space.”
Surveys and polls show that Americans are more concerned than ever before with decay and decline of the family . . . and for good reason! Newsweek magazine recently devoted a special issue to “The 21st Century Family.” Their writers make the bold statement that . . .
“The American family does not exist. Rather, we are creating many American families, of diverse styles and shapes. In unprecedented numbers our families are unalike: we have fathers working while mothers keep house; fathers and mothers both working away from home; single parents; second marriages bringing children together from unrelated backgrounds; childless couples; unmarried couples with and without children; gay and lesbian parents. We are living through a period of historic change in American family life.”
Indeed times have changed. These changes are having a dramatic effect on the face of today’s family. There is increasingly clear evidence that many or the major problems in our society are associated with poor, negative, unsatisfying or even nonexistent family life. We know what’s wrong. But what can we do with our kids that can make a difference?
Over the past 15 years there have been numerous studies on characteristics of strong, healthy families. What does a healthy family look like? What do healthy families do? From my research, interviews, clinical work and from my experience as a father of three, I’ve identified, not 12 steps or a “Top 10” but 7 simple keys to growing healthy families.
In the weeks ahead I will be sharing these seven simple keys with you. Most of them are fairly common-sense basic principles that all of us have heard before. But, just because we’ve heard them doesn’t mean we do them. I don t know about you, but in my own life, knowledge doesn’t always lead to action! Or when it does, it can lead to an attempt to accomplish too much change in too little time. That just leads to more discouragement and frustration.
Growth is a process. It takes time. It isn’t always easy. It can be frustrating. We read a book or leave a lecture excited and motivated, and often try to do too much or expect too much too soon. As a psychologist and a parent I’ve discovered that meaningful change takes place as a series of small steps.
I know that this column has readers that come from different places in life. However, each one of us is part of a family. Regardless of your age or marital status, I believe that you will find something in each article that you will be able to apply in your present relationships to make them healthier and more mutually satisfying.
Key #1: The Power of Modeling
Everybody believes family is important. Everyone wants to have a healthy family. From my review of research at The Center for Marriage and Family Studies, interviews with hundreds of families, clinical work and my experience as a father of three, I’ve identified seven common-sense keys to growing healthy families.
I recently saw an excellent illustration of how families function. My wife Carrie and I were visiting the seaside town of Cambria, California. While shopping we saw a mobile made of nine seashells. Each shell was a different size, shape and color and hung in delicate balance with the others.
I gently blew on one of the shells. Do you know what happened? Because the shells were linked together, the energy from that gentle breath on one shell was transmitted to the others. The entire mobile was affected and all of the shells moved.
Families are similar to this mobile. In place of the seashells, picture the members of your family. Your family “mobile” may include grandparents, parents, siblings, your spouse and your children.
Regardless of a family’s structure, what happens to one family member or the decisions one member makes affect every other individual in the family as well as the entire family system. This is especially true with parents. While we’ve always known that parents have a tremendous influence on the development of their children’s character, we’re now discovering that influence is far beyond what we had imagined.
Key #1 says that , “What your kids see you do as they grow up is what you’ll likely see them do when they’ve grown up.”
What do your children see modeled in your character? Do they see a mom and dad who have a visible love for each other or a single parent who has a visible love for family and close friends? Do they see truth, honesty and integrity in action? Do they know that your love for them is not based on their performance? Do they have healthy examples of problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills? Do you appreciate and promote their uniqueness? Do you model and encourage a healthy experience and expression of emotions?
Why are these things so important? They are some of the core skills our children need to become healthy individuals and develop healthy relationships. You can feed your kids good food, buy them nice clothes and a car, give them a great college education. What you may end up with is a well-fed, well-clothed college graduate who drives a nice car but doesn’t have a clue about what it means to be a person of honesty and integrity and have healthy relationships.
Trust me when I tell you that the most influential education your children will ever get is what they see and hear in your home. In Deuteronomy 6:4-9 we read that there are two basic ways to teach their children. The first is formal instruction. This is where parents tell children what they should and shouldn’t do. We give them helpful information, often in the form of a lecture or less helpful, “How many times have I told you?”
The second and much more powerful way to teach children is informally through the morals and values we model before them. While both are important, informal or what I call “lifestyle” instruction is by far the most influential.
While writing this article God brought to mind the example of my own parents who gave me both formal and informal instruction. Yet when I reflect on what they did that was most helpful to me, what stands out in my memory is their informal instruction, their example.
They didn’t merely tell me how important it was to go to church. They took me to church. I wasn’t forced to get up early to read my Bible and pray. In fact I rarely got up early. Yet, when I did, forever etched in my mind is the vivid picture of my dad in his bathrobe either reading the Bible or praying.
When I was wrong they corrected me. When I was disobedient they disciplined me. When I made a mistake they forgave me. When I sinned they reminded me of the need for repentance and the fact of God’s grace. When I was overcome with discouragement they listened and encouraged me.
No, they weren’t perfect. They made mistakes. But that was another gift. They let me see their weaknesses as well as their strengths. They acknowledged their limitations and apologized when they were wrong. They taught me that no matter how old you are you can always learn and grow.
The home is the window through which children get their first glimpse of who they are and what they are worth. Children discover their value in the mirror of those around them, by how much they are looked at, listened to and touched, by what their parents say to them and about them in front of others.
The greatest gift you can give your child is who you are. The lifestyle our children see us model daily is much more powerful than what we tell them. Both are important. But there must be congruity between the talk and the walk.
“Children Learn What They Live”
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, she learns to be patient.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with encouragement, she learns confidence.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, she learns to have faith. |
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance & friendship, she learns to find love in the world.
This week, how can you model love, patience, honesty, thoughtfulness, fairness and acceptance to someone in your family? Pick one person and for the next 2 weeks practice modeling one of these characteristics.
Key #2: Giving the Gift of Time
This second key to building strong families is the simplest but also one of the most difficult. It doesn’t take any special training — only a mom or dad who knows it’s important to be available to their kids. Did you know that children spell love differently than most adults do? Most children spell love with a T, an I, an M and an E. That’s right. TIME is how most children spell love. Key #2 says: “Healthy parents don’t find time, they make time.
Why is it so difficult? We’re all busy with demands and pressures. In the midst of this busyness our children can easily seem like an interruption. It is unrealistic for us to always drop everything and cater to the demands of our children. At the same time we need to remember that children don’t have the same sense of time that we do.
How can we “make time?” One way is set aside special times for them. Acknowledge them when they get up in the morning or when they get home from school or another event. Set aside quantity time at certain times during the week.
As you study your children you may discover certain times during the day when they are more open to chatting. A smart parent will try to “set aside” their schedule during these times and just “happen” to be available to talk about their day, read with them, play with them, or share your day with them.
Another way is to look for “teachable moments.” In Luke 5:17-20 Christ was teaching a distinguished group of community leaders who had traveled miles to hear his sermon. Right in the middle of Christ’s sermon the ceiling tiles above His head began to move. Then they were pulled off and a paralyzed man on a stretcher was lowered down right in front of Him.
What a lousy time for an interruption. Can you think of a better way to blow a good sermon? We don’t know if Christ was on His second or third point or maybe doing the wrap-up for a powerful close. Yet, what most of us would view as an interruption Christ viewed as a unique opportunity. Christ saw the need, He recognized their faith and it was clear that this was more important than His talk. He immediately saw this as a teachable moment and took advantage of it.
Through teachable moments we can help our children deal with their issues. Sometimes they want to deal with them immediately and other times they need to think about them first. But our kids don’t forget confusing or painful emotional experiences. They need to learn how to process them with someone who will help them “get it out” but not try to “solve” it for them. Through trial and error we as parents can make time and provide a safe place to help our kids grow.
I don’t know of very many families today that aren’t overcommitted. I believe that lack of time, or to be more accurate, lack of choosing to make time may be the most insidious, pervasive, and destructive enemy the healthy family has. That may sound a bit strong but in many ways it is true.
J. Allen Peterson has written, “If I could start my family again, one thing would be changed. I would play more with my three boys, and cultivate more family sharing experiences. By sharing good times a family builds cohesiveness and unity. They learn to enjoy each other and compensate for each other’s weaknesses. The play of children is something of a rehearsal for life, and parents who share these times of play will have a great opportunity to teach their children how to live.”
Time is a concrete, measurable expression of love. When I give someone the gift of time I am saying “I value you” and “You are important to me.” The key to having a strong marriage, to communicating values to our kids is time. If we want our children to know, understand and adopt our values, we need to spend time with them.
In the past two years I have interviewed several hundred couples and each one has said “Yes!” they believe the family is important and that it is one of their top priorities. Then I asked them, “Do you plan your expenditure of time and money around your marriage and family relationships?” Over 80% stated that while they valued their marriage and family, what in fact happened was that they didn’t consistently give their marriage and family first place.
When 1,500 school children were asked the question, “What do you think makes a happy family?” the most frequent answer was “doing things together.” Over the years I’ve learned that in life it’s not so much what we do for our kids that impacts them. It’s what we do with them. When you think back to the happy times of your childhood what kinds of memories come to mind? When you get together with family or childhood friends and recall the “good old days” what is it that made those days good?
Several years ago I heard a convicting story of the value and importance of making the family a priority. A middle-class family in the 40’s set a family goal of remodeling their old bathroom. After a year of financial sacrifices they finally had enough cash for the project. At the family conference held to finalize the plans one of the children suggested, “Why don’t we use the money for a trip and fix the bathroom next year?” Even though it involved a change in plans everyone liked the suggestion and that summer they took the money and went to Yellowstone National Park.
With the money spent, the saving started all over in order to do the postponed remodeling the next year. When it came time to hire the contractor the family’s conversation drifted to how much they had enjoyed the trip to Yellowstone and the inevitable suggestion surfaced: “Why not put off the bathroom for just one more year and take another family trip?” They all agreed.
This scene was repeated every year from 1940 until 1950 when the youngest son was killed in Korea. On the night before his final battle he wrote a letter to his parents. The letter arrived months after the family had been notified of his death. There was a special emotion as Mom and Dad sat in their living room to read to each other their son’s last words.
In this touching letter the young soldier expressed a premonition that he might soon die. He thanked his folks for their love and the many happy experiences of growing up, especially recalling the annual family trips they all shared. Long silence followed the reading as both quietly wept. The silence was broken when the dad asked, “Honey, could you imagine a son writing home on the night before he died and saying how glad he was for a fancy new bathroom?”
In the next two weeks I encourage you to invest some focused time with your family. There are a lot of options: go to church together, ride bikes, go fishing, play Frisbee at a local park, take one of them to Cracker Barrel for a huge breakfast, plan your next vacation.
Key #3: Power of Nourishing Love
Welcome to another installment of 7 Keys to Building Strong Families. If you’ve been following this column you know that so far we’ve talked about the first two: Key #1 says: What your kids see you do as they grow up is what you’ll likely see them do when they’ve grown up. With Key #2 we learned that: Healthy parents don’t find time, they make time.
Today we come to Key #3 which says: Learn how to say “I Love You!” in more than one way. The basis for this key comes from the book of Ephesians in the New Testament. In chapter 5 the apostle Paul gives some wise counsel to husbands and wives. He tells us that two key activities in a loving relationship are learning to cherish and nourish the other person. Many people know what it means to love or cherish somebody. The challenge is to learn how to go beyond cherishing the one you love and discover how to nourish them.
Cherish is the easy part. When you cherish something it means that you value and care about it. It is important to you. However, you may not express it. That’s where nourish comes in.
Nourish is an action term that looks at what I actually do. It involves going beyond the attitude to action. The attitude of cherishing and the activity of nourishing are two of the key dimensions of love. A healthy loving relationship needs both. However, most people find it easier to cherish than to nourish. It’s easier to feel love than it is to effectively and creatively express love. What does it mean to nourish and how can we do it?
In the mid-seventies I moved fr