Millennials Are Too Busy Eating Avocado Toast to Produce a Good Serial Killer

I can’t be the first one to notice that lazy, entitled Millennials lack the strong work ethic of my generation. Sadly, I have to say that it’s mostly our fault. In a world where “everyone gets a trophy”, young people today have been led to believe that the world revolves around them. We’ve produced a generation of coddled “snowflakes” adverse to hard work and afraid to get their hands dirty. Case in point: this generation hasn’t produced a single good serial killer.

The truth hurts, but the current crop of spoiled youngsters are too busy munching on avocado toasts to commit heinous crimes like we used to. When I was a kid we learned the value of hard work. We all had a paper route from a young age and when we weren’t working we would look for stray cats, tie their tails together and throw them in a fire #MAGA. But my son on the other hand… he wouldn’t hurt a fly! Where did we lose our way? I think we failed to produce a generation of murderous sociopaths because we lost site of our values as a country.

Looking back it was a privilege to be alive during America’s golden age. We didn’t have Gameboy or Sega Genesis back then. We grew up watching the greats. We had Gacy, we had Dahmer, and we had Bundy, who not only racked up a formidable kill count, but delighted fans for decades with his witty Bundyisms. Once I took my son to the Serial Killer Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. I really wanted to show him the greatness of America’s past time, but when we got there I could tell he was bored out of his mind. Today he’s at some fancy-pants Ivy League college getting his MFA, whatever that is.

Things were simpler back then. After the ice cream social we would watch the Green River Killer on the Ed Sullivan show. We didn’t have smart phones or Snapchat, but we knew how to have fun. After rehearsing in our doo-wop group we would cruise around in our souped-up corvettes listening to Roy Orbison and stalking the streets for our next victim. Once after the homecoming game I strangled a woman with the power window of my car. It was just a more innocent time.

There’s no two ways about it: the current generation is soft. However, if I open my mouth on this subject, I’m accused of being a bigot. Well I’m sorry, but what you are about to read may not be “politically correct”, but somebody has to say it: the downfall of American civilization is due to the mass feminization of society and the tyrannical privileging of the mother as the only real parent in Family Court. Women are asserting more and more control in society and it has led to the downfall of the family structure.

In my day, men were men. Women stayed in the home and took care of the kids while men killed shit, as God intended. Today, everything is all upside down: boys are girls, girls are boys and no one is a serial killer. If we continue to demonize masculine virtues and let another generation of boys grow up without strong male role models, we will lose the violent anti-social behavior that has made this the greatest country on God’s green Earth. Let’s face facts: there has never been a truly great female serial killer.

Editors note: the authors’ opinions do not reflect the views of American Carnage. Elizabeth Bathory, the 16th Century Hungarian noblewoman was one of the most prolific serial killers of all time with over 500 victims.