Prologue

3.5 Billion years before man walked the shores, sharks ruled the oceans.
Man’s search to inflict terrifying pain and fear into his enemy’s minds
could never equal the cold emotionless terror the shark offered its victims.
Man could potentially be reasoned with...not so, the shark.
Of all the 200 plus species of shark in the world,
the top of the food chain was occupied by a unforgiving beast that could
feast on twenty ton whales,
eat its own offspring or
destroy human beings…..

The Great White Shark

This is a story of possibly the largest and most terrifying
Great White Shark known to Man……..

Old Hitler

The Legend

The legend of Old Hitler goes back literally centuries,
which is somewhat unusual, since the Austrian painter
and global henchman was born in 1889.

For hundreds of years men have gone to sea seeking to kill the notorious shark,
Old Hitler.

Most of them have become casualties of The Legend.

Known Facts:

• 1719 – French explorer, Ponce de Leon, had his first mate
ripped from the shore boat while retrieving a lost oar.
The massive shark took the man whole and left only a
four foot bite impression where the first mate had been seated.

• 1863 – A huge Great White Shark disabled the Merrimack
(Old Ironside). The ship’s metal propeller was chewed to bits and
changed the outcome of the entire Civil War.

• 1908 there were no sightings, whatsoever.

• 1952 – A fisherman off of Boca Raton, Florida, Hans Gruber
(of Die Hard fame), was ripped out of his skiff when he set his hook
in a fish of unparalleled size. The fisherman said the Great White Shark
was exactly “a bunch” feet in length.

• In recent years a shark of similar proportions has been seen,
both off the coast of Florida and several hundred miles away off the shores of Bimini.
These sightings have added credibility to the legend of a shark referred to as…

Old Hitler

All of these documented sightings shared one thing in common:
a) The shark was a Great White Shark,
b) It was “a bunch” feet in length, and
c) The shark sported an abbreviated mustache…

These are just a few of the testimonials from professional
fishermen in their own words:

• “When Old Hitler is near, all the water goes dark….
Usually well after sunset….
Unless it’s during the day…
then not so much.”

• Ask anyone up and down the entir’ Eastern Seaboard
and they’ll tell you, “He’s a man eater…or a woman eater
(uncontrolled laughter from the toothless deck hand).”

• Several sailors weigh in with their Old Hitler stories
speaking in Cajun (who you can’t understand even with subtitles).

“Heel clober u 2 deeth”

“Da morg is da plas 4 im”

“Ut wos da qusion?”

The Expedition Begins

During August of 2016 (in the year of our lord) an effort was
undertaken to find and kill Old Hitler.

This expedition was to be manned by an elite crew of shark experts
who were hand-picked over a 4 year period. The expedition initially
faced many delays until all of the crew members became available.
Each man has the specific expertise critical for a tracking and killing a
Level 5 predator.

Level 5 is the highest tier on the (Delbert) Sphincter Scale.

The Shark Experts

Dr. Franz Richter

The doctor has virtually no shark experience, whatsoever.

His area of expertise is Girls Gymnastics menstrual cycles
and the related Post Traumatic Stress.

He will keep a close eye on the men’s mental well-being.
He alone has the power to pull the plug on this expedition
anytime he feels the men have reached their absolute breaking points.

Percy Wellington

Former member of Australia’s elite Seal Team 3.

Seal Team 3’s timeless motto,

“We’re half as good as Seal Team 6, any day of the week”

Percy was attacked by a Great White Shark while setting explosives
on the Green Peace’s ship The Rainbow Warrior in Sydney Harbor
– but in spite of his injuries:

He finished the job…..He always finishes the job.

Sven Leopold

Bitten while nursing Nurse Sharks in the Caribbean.
Sven is probably most knowledgeable in his understanding of
shark mating habits and Post-Partum Blues behavior.

Picture of nurse shark biting Sven on the lips.
As a result of the accident, Sven has permanently lost his ability to use vowels.

As a child, “Sven” was once bitten on the right nipple by a large
mackerel, which explains his pronounced limp.

Scene from The Right Stuff.

Just as the Mercury 7 astronauts personified heroics, bravery and adventure…

So too, do our hand-picked Shark Experts.
To a man, these are the most knowledgeable shark experts from around the globe.

A finer group of shark experts has never been “assembled”.

And so the Expedition Begins

“Some of the most capable shark experts ever pitted against one massive, 25 foot…”

A blood-curdling scream interrupts the Narrator.

Dr. Franz Richter yells, “No!”

Percy screams, “Kriekie, Is that what I think it is?

Straight ahead (and down a little to the right) a sign reads….

It appears that only Disabled Fish can use this Gangway.
The team has been stymied before the expedition even begins.
Dr. Richter senses the men are near their breaking point
and swings into action.
Dr. Richter immediately calls for a timeout and evaluates
the stress level in each of the highly-trained team members.

Sven says he’s seen this before.
“Can’t you see?
It’s the shark’s attempt to control the mission from the very start.
Old Hitler has the upper hand.
I repeat…Old Hitler has the upper hand.”

Dr. Richter
“It’s up to you Percy.”
After all, Percy
“Always Finishes the Job”.

Percy looks solemn
“Game over, man. Seal Team 3……OUT!”

Sven eventually suggests
“Myb w cld s th bt rmp, t lks ccssbl”.

But the rest of the team can’t understand him as a result of his shark injuries.
Minutes later, after losing Sven in a horrible boat ramp incident,
the adventure begins.

It took an entire 15 minutes, but a new elite search and destroy team
has been handpicked from the local deckhands on the dock.

New Crew Introductions

Captain Kirk

The Captain keeps repeating himself in an effort to
look like Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

“Hey you, yeah, I’m talking to you, Come about!
Under his breath… “God Damn-it…Come-a-bout!”

Dreamcatcher

The Captain has strong reservations about including
Dreamcatcher on the expedition.

The Captain tests Dreamcatcher’s knowledge of the sea.
“Dreamcatcher, show me a bowline.”

Dreamcatcher quickly fashions a frilly bow tie.

Captain
“Say, that’s pretty good. Well, I’ll take him for ballast.”

Wendy the Tag Wench

Wendy
**“In this particular situation we will be deploying some of the
most sophisticated equipment available from pre-revolutionary Cuba.

Some of the items have a new thing I like to call…..rubber.”**

Ian “Hammy” Habersham – The Shark Wrangler.

He’s British!

Having never actually been in the water with sharks,
“Hammy” is a great fan of something he calls…Photoshop.

“Hammy” has viewed most of the Shark Week episodes from his pool
where he has reenacted various intricate shark-handling techniques.

This is a picture of “Hammy” standing in front of his wide screen television set.

As a young man Hammy had his friends tape a shark fin
to local wildlife so he could practice his shark wrangling techniques.

Jammer – The Handyman – (missing both hands).

Jammer is “The GO-TO Guy”.

If it’s broken, he probably did it.

Jammer has always said,
“Give me a lot of money and some credit cards and I can fix anything.”

Grouper

Grouper is the fish expert.

The majority of Grouper’s expertise has come from the installation
of an Aquaponics system at his ranch outside Lost Lake, California.

Grouper is out of his depth and everyone knows it.

“It’s a Maneater…
But wait, you said it’s a shark.
Well then, that’s a bird of a whole different feather, isn’t it?
I could tell you more if it were a cousin of the tilapia family.”

Chum Boy

He’s a professional in every sense of the word.
He fashions himself a mercenary.
He’ll do whatever it takes to make it onto any episode of Shark Week.
He has already auditioned three times as bait.

The Tale Begins

Dreamcatcher
“Cappy, I’ve been think’n, we should sneak up on the ocean,
by taking the back route thru the inland waterways.
Old Hitler, will never see us coming.”

Captain Kirk
“You can’t sneak up on an ocean, you imbecile!
You im-be-cile.”

Dreamcatcher
“Not the ocean, Cappy, we sneak up on Old Hitler.”

Captain Kirk
“Oh” (said full of thought)…
“Oh” (said with conviction as he realizes the cunningness of the plan).

As the Captain gives Dreamcatcher the nod of approval.
Dreamcatcher gently stores the nod away to be brought out
during a future bout of incompetence.

As the crew leaves the safety of the harbor,
Captain Kirk gives a knowing nod to a group of surfers.

The Captain thinks to himself:
“Surfers – Probably the last real men on the planet.
They’re Mavericks.
They are America’s finest.
The last true cowboys.
A solitary island of testosterone in a sea of flan-eating liberals.”

The surfers sit in a perfect sewing circle.
“Dude, did you see Dancing with the Stars last night?
Bruno really nailed it when he told Cloris Leachman,
“That was an arabesque, not a twirl, you twit!
Bruno totally nailed her!” …

The surfers return the nod of respect back to The Captain.

First Night at Sea

Story telling by Captain Kirk with crew listening:
“Ya see, 900 people went into the water,
317 came out….
The sharks took the rest.
I’ll never go in the water again…
I-will-never-go-in-the-water-again.”

Dreamcatcher (high pitched voice)
“OK, OK. I’ll tell you.
There I was feeding reef sharks like a 1000 times before.
I tried a new technique my dad learned about in National Geographic.
He said, “Hold the bait between my legs.”
I guess I was confused…he actually said to hold the book between my legs.
At any rate, the shark sensed the bait between my legs,
bit me and held on to me privates for 45 minutes.

Everyone slowly turns to ‘Hammy’ in anticipation.
Hammy is the veteran….He has seen it all.
**“Bermuda Triangle, ever hear of it?
Yeah, I’ll bet you have,
but here is something you probably haven’t heard.

Ya see, The Bermuda Triangle runs from Bermuda
to Cape Hatteras and on south to Havana.
It’s the sight of some 168 shipwrecks over the last three centuries.”**

(Wind picks up - Scary music begins to play)

**“But, the Devil’s Parallelogram is the stuff legends are made of.
I’ll tell you one thing; no sober seafaring man would ever venture
into the DP, knowingly.

The Devil’s Parallelogram is on the narrow section of the Colorado River
sailors call The Parker Strip.
It runs south from Marty’s Crab Shack
To Betty’s Bait Barn,
Then turns east towards Eddie’s Pole Dancing Studio
And back north to Aerobics, Aerobics, Aerobics.”
 
Devil’s Parallelogram has been the sight of over 500 shipwrecks
during just the past 12 months, alone….
Mostly on Friday and Saturday nights.
Many of the young sailors coming out of the bars can be heard saying things like,

“Where are we?”
“Hey, the boat is gone!” and
“I can’t feel my tongue.”

It is truly something to behold.
“You can have your Bermuda Triangle,
but for me it will always be the Devil’s Parallelogram
that keeps me whistling past the graveyard of my mind.”**

As the men shake their heads in disbelief
they get up and head to their bunks.

The crew knows tomorrow will be a day to remember and they will all need clear heads.

So, The Captain says,
“Tomorrow will be a day to remember and we will all need clear heads.”

The Expedition Really Starts to Begin

On the sea, morning comes just after daybreak.

Today, the waters are laced with an eerie calmness.
At first light the Captain increases the ship’s speed to 20 knots.
This morning the team will be heading south past Old Crag’s Bluff to the mouth of
the Delta - Burke, (a enormous wetland where many a man has lost his virginity).

This course will lead them to the mating grounds of the North Atlantic Seals,
a primary feeding source of the Great White Shark.

As the ship rounds The Cape of Little to No Hope
a school of playful dolphins joins the expedition.
The dolphins crest and breach the ocean surface next to the ship.

The men hold their collective breaths as they enter the Sea
known for many past sightings of…Old Hitler.

By midmorning the ship slows and settles low in the water
amist an uninviting fog. The crew has reached their Final Destination:

“The Kill Zone”
“The Highway of Death”
“Blood Alley”
“The Dead Spot”

All seamen have their own name for it.

Captain Kirk calls it:
“The Icky Place”…“The-Icky-Place”.

Captain Kirk
“This is where the battle will be fought
and it will be fought on my terms.
I will bring Old Hitler to his knees.
Yes, this will be where that beast will sleep with the fishes.”

Dreamcatcher comes over holding up the stuffed head
of a hammerhead shark while gently placing custom-made
reading glasses on it.

Dreamcatcher
**“You see Cappy; this is what I’ve been talkin’ about.
The experts call it a multi-level marketing plan.

We will be selling professional reading glasses to hammerhead sharks.

Cappy, if we get in early, we could get a 200% market share….easy!
And, you would be in on the ground floor!
The ground floor!”**

But, the Captain waves Dreamcatcher to the side as he grabs the railing.
He is fixated on Old Hitler.

Captain Kirk
“He’s an ambush predator. Old Hitler likes to come in low,
with the sun at his back, but don’t rule out an aerial attack from above."

"This is one hell of a crafty fish.
This-is-one-hell-of-a-crafty-fish.”

Captain Kirk
“OK, Hammy, what have you got for me?
And it better be good!”

Hammy
**“Cappy, Dreamcatcher and I have been talkin’ and here’s how we see it.
Old Hitler has been swimmin’ these waters for over 300 years
eating anything that gets in his way.

Maybe, and just maybe,

Old Hitler is in the mood for a little Great White booty call.

I mean think about it…
300 years at sea and he’s never pulled into port.
He’ll be chompin’ at the bit.
He’ll come right to us.
To help us, we have been building a replica of a giant female Great White.”**

Dreamcatcher
**“We got the idea from a documentary where a photographer
sat on the back of a dead sperm whale and took pictures of the shark
as it ate the whale…

Only in this case it will be Chum Boy on the back of the Great White Shark.

When Old Hitler puts his moves on his lady friend
we’ll think of something to do
and Chum Boy will be there to do it!”**

The Captain
**“Well, Hammy, I must say I am quite impressed.
It’s brilliant! What could possibly go wrong?

Has anyone spoken with Chum Boy yet?”**

Hammy
“Don’t worry; Chum Boy is game for anything.
I’ll offer him a couple bucks.”

A few minutes later Chum Boy listens to Hammy explain the idea.
Chum Boy
**“It’s pure genius.

But, who’s stupid enough to sit on the back of the Great White Drag Queen?”**

Hammy
“A…well, we’re going to talk to Grouper about it,
but we thought maybe you could show him how easy it is
by climbing on the shark first.”

Chum Boy
**“Sure thing, this will be hilarious!

Can’t you just picture Grouper’s face
when he realizes Old Hitler is putting the moves on him?

This is some funny shit.
This is why I love hangin’ out with you guys.
I’ve never told you before, but you’re good people in my book!

But, Poor Grouper. Say…..do you think he’ll get eaten?”**

Hammy slowly walks away.
“I imagine there’s a pretty good chance.”
Hammy says under his breath.

Hammy stops and turns back towards Chum Boy,

Hammy
“Oh, by the way, you did say that no one knew
you were coming on this expedition, right?”

Chum Boy
“That’s right, Hammy. Not even me Mom.
She has spent her whole life waitin’ for me to become a man.
Won’t she be surprised.”

Hammy
“Oh, I can pretty much guarantee she’ll be surprised, alright.”
 
Hammy speaks with the Captain
“Well, Chum Boy is in.”

Captain Kirk
“I don’t know how you do it, Hammy.
I swear, you could sell ice cream to an ice cream cone.
These men will follow you anywhere.”

Chum Boy walks to the back of the boat, looks at Grouper.

Chum Boy
“Looks like we’re goin’ to have fun today
(and laughs hysterically)”.

Grouper walks away,
“Whatever”.

Chum Boy looks around for any sign of Old Hitler,
takes a deep breath and slides onto the silhouette
of the Great White Shark.
Grouper lets out the tow line.

Chum Boy
“See how easy it is Grouper?”

Grouper continues to let out the tow rope until Chum Boy
is roughly 75 feet from the stern of The Pequod.

Chum Boy yells a barely audible,
“Now it’s your turn, Grouper!”

Grouper turns to Hammy
“What did he say?”

Hammy
“He wants more rope.”

Chum Boy starts to look worried.
Chum Boy starts screaming frantically from far behind The Pequod.

The Captain
“What’s he sayin’, now?"

Hammy
“He wants to go faster.”

For the next 2 hours they watch Chum Boy
jumping around, screaming and making all sorts of gestures.

Cappy
“He’s really earnin’ his keep,”

Hammy
“That he is,”

Cappy
“Well, what do you say we pull him back in?”

Hammy
“Uh, No, he’s doing fine. He’s lovin’ it,”

Cappy
“Just the same, we’re runnin’ low on gas and I don’t want to
get stranded out here with that giant beast and no petrol.”
 
The Pequod comes to a stop and the crew begins
to pull Chum Boy back to the ship.
With 50 feet left to the boat, a massive dorsal fin emerges
from the depths 100 yards behind the Chum Boy.

Cappy
“Well, shiver me timbers, it’s Old Hitler!”

The prehistoric shark is racing towards Chum Boy
and the Great White Drag Queen!

Jammer, Grouper and Dreamcatcher
all begin frantically pulling on the rope.

Hammy stands behind the three men practicing
some of his best shark handling moves into thin air.

Cappy yells to Wendy
“Get your fancy taggin’ shit.
We may only get one chance at this.”

As Wendy carefully prepares her state-of-the-art taggin’ shit,
Old Hitler makes a sharp turn to port.
As he does, the three men fall violently to the deck,
each of them bleeding from a variety of gashes.

Sensing an easy meal, Old Hitler makes a hairpin turn
and races for the transom at over 30 miles per hour.

As the men fall, the rope gets hung up on the port cleat
allowing Chum Boy to pull himself the final few yards
to the transom.

Pulling himself onto the Pequod,
Chum Boy slams into the chum bucket
knocking all of the contents overboard.
 
Reaching the back of the ship,
Old Hitler slows and lifts his head to show the crew
his abbreviated mustache.

Cappy yells from the bridge,
“He’s coming along the starboard side…the-starboard-side.”

As Old Hitler comes along the port side of the ship,
Wendy the Tag Wench spears the giant fish
just behind the dorsal fin.

With an inflated sense of self-worth,
Wendy the Tag Wench slowly walks to the bow of the boat
and rests her arms on the railing.

Maybe she will be the one giving the surfers her nod of approval
on the way back into the harbor.

Unfortunately, what Wendy did not realize was
that during the tagging of the shark,
the tag from her new pea coat had been attached to the shark
and the shark tag was now firmly attached to her coat sleeve.

As Old Hitler slowly glides beneath the waves,
a shiny new Neiman Marcus tag can be seen firmly attached to his dorsal fin.

Chum Boy runs forward and starts screaming at Hammy,
but nothing comes out.

Chum Boy has lost his voice from 2 hours of continuous screaming.

Hammy turns to Chum Boy and screams as loud as he can,
“NO! NO! NO! You cannot go out again!
That was way too dangerous and I don’t want to talk about it ever again!”

Chum Boy looks at Hammy with utter amazement.
Chum Boy simply shakes his head and walks away dejected.

Cappy looks at Dreamcatcher.
“He really loves that boy, doesn’t he?”

Dreamcatcher
“Cappy, you have no idea.”

Cappy turns to his crew and says, ………
##“Now, The Expedition Really Starts to Begin”

It has been 25 minutes since Old Hitler submerged
and the whole crew is getting very anxious.

Cappy
“How long until you get that damn contraption workin’?”

Jammer
“There we go.
Evidently, it needs to be plugged in when it’s an electricity type…thingy.”

Instantly, the scope starts pinging showing that Old Hitler is
straight ahead of The Pequod.

The Captain
“Full speed ahead,”

The ship lurches forward.

For 30 minutes, as Wendy walks from one side of the bow to the other,
they chase that menace of the deep.

The beacon shows the shark moving back and forth
in front of The Pequod.

Dreamcatcher calls to Wendy,
**“Be careful up there.”

But, Wendy can’t hear him.

Wendy walks cautiously along the right side of the ship
holding on tightly to the overhead handles.

Wendy
“What did you say?”

Dreamcatcher
“I said you need to be careful up front,
we could change direction in the blink of an eye
and you don’t want to be falling overboard right now.
By the way, nice job with the shark tag.
That was top notch work.”

Wendy smiles to herself and walks away.

Jammer yells,
“He’s tryin’ to lose us. He’s turning to starboard.”

The Captain turns the wheel hard to the left.

Jammer
“Starboard, Cappy, starboard!”

Cappy
*“I am turning to starboard,
you twit…you-twit!”

Jammer
“Fine!…The other starboard, Cappy.”

Cappy continues to turn the boat in a full circle.

Cappy yells to Jammer
“Just say when!”
 
Wendy is getting a little dizzy so she goes below deck to steady herself.
As she sits down, Wendy finds the shark tag attached to her pea coat.

At first she has a bewildered look and then she realizes what has happened.

#Jammer has been tracking Wendy for the last 30 minutes!

Wendy was given only one job to do and she has failed.
There will be no “nod of mutual respect” from the surfers on this trip.

Then Wendy stops and thinks…..
if no one knows I failed, did I really fail?

Quickly, Wendy gets up and puts the tracker in the refrigerator,
shuts the door and sits back down.

Jammer
“He’s right below us.
Jesus, that’s a smart shark.
He’s just playin’ with us.”

45 minutes later the monitor still shows that Old Hitler waiting idly below The Pequod.

Captain Kirk
“That’s it! We need some chum in the water.”

Jammer
“But, Cappy, all of the chum went overboard when
Chum Boy jumped off of the decoy.”

Captain Kirk
“I don’t care how you do it,
but get some chum in the water.
That’s an order!”

The men look at each other, bewildered.

A minute later Jammer, Grouper and Dreamcatcher,
all wincing in pain, are seen squeezing blood
from their wounds into the chum bucket.
 
As the contents of the chum bucket are poured into the sea,
Old Hitler’s dorsal fin is spotted two points off the starboard bow.

Dreamcatcher
“There she blows!”

Chum Boy shakes his head in disbelief.
“It’s a shark, not a whale!”

Cappy
“Looks like it’s a fine day for fishin’, men!”
Cappy stops and looks off to starboard.
“Looks like it’s a fine day for fishin’, men!”
That will be the name of Cappy’s book describing their expedition.
Cappy nods and smiles to himself.

Cappy
“Hammy, take the helm. I’m goin’ fishin”
Cappy stops and looks off to starboard.
“Hammy, take the helm. I’m goin’ fishin’!”
Maybe, that will be the name of Cappy’s book.
Cappy nods and smiles twice to himself.

Cappy runs to the cabin and grabs his state-of-the-art harpoon.
Checking it for defects, he runs to the foredeck.

Cappy
“Jammer, attach barrel number 1 to the harpoon wire!”

Hammy throws himself into the captain’s chair
and pushes the throttles all the way forward.

Jammer is seen trying to thread the barrel line
through the harpoon wire with his two artificial hands.

Cappy
“Come on, Jammer.”

Jammer continues to miss threading the line through the harpoon wire.

Jammer
“Damn it, don’t wait for me, Cappy.”

Jammer just finishes tying the knot as Cappy fires the first harpoon.

As the harpoon barely snags Old Hitler’s tail,
Cappy
“Bullseye!”

The first barrel slides out of the rack and is thrown into the sea
with the force of a thousand shotgun blasts.

Jammer
“I did it!”

Cappy gives Jammer a vicious stare.
This is not how it will be described in his book.

Cappy
“Line me up for another shot, Hammy!”

Hammy instinctively turns the ship into a 30 degree pitch
and lines up Old Hitler for a second shot.

The second harpoon ricochets off of the bow of the boat
and gets caught in is dorsal fin,
directly above the Neiman Marcus tag.

Cappy
“Bullseye!”

Jammer
“Did you see me Captain? I did it, again!”

Captain Kirk, now furious, yells at Jammer
**“Did I see you? Did I see you?
You didn’t do shit, you armless sand dab.
Stop trying to steal my victory or you’ll be sleepin’
with Davey Jones and the rest of the Monkeys!

Hammy, line me up for a third shot.”

Hammy carefully lines the bow of the ship up
for a very delicate third barrel shot.

The Captain takes dead aim and fires the third harpoon
which skims the top of the water twice and settles
into the side of the massive beast.
The Captain jumps up with both hands in the air.

Hammy yells
“I did it! Did you see me? I really did it!”

Cappy’s smile quickly disappears as he stares up to the sky and shakes his head in disbelief.

The three barrels slowly slide beneath the waves.

Hours go by.

Cappy
“He can’t stay down with three barrels in him.
Not-with-three-barrels-in-him.
This shark, it’s inhuman…I tell you,
he must be some kind of animal or something!”

After being towed northward for what seems like an eternity,
Dreamcatcher spots the harbor entrance.

The crew can’t believe it.
Old Hitler has returned them to their original starting point.

While the ship is towed into the harbor,
the crew puts their collective down heads and tries to look busy.
Each member of the crew grabs a rag and walks about
polishing things that don’t need to be polished.

The surfers all stop surfing and nod to crew of the Pequod
as it enters the harbor.

No one from The Pequod looks up.

The surfers’ nods go unanswered.

As Old Hitler pulls the boat gently down the harbor,
the crew is greeted by loud yells and air horns by the landlubbers.

The people on the shore begin a chant of “We shall Overcome”
(showing their total lack of understanding of the situation)

and spontaneously begin doing the “wave”
(usually reserved for college football games).

Children run down the beach,
bent over with their elbows lifted high above their backs,
impersonating sharks.

Old Hitler pulls The Pequod up to the yacht club dock and
with one powerful flick of his tail, releases all three barrels.

Quickly the Captain gathers all of the members of the crew
on the starboard side of the ship and informs them of his strategy.

Until Old Hitler is found alive,
they will all say that they killed the creature.

Epilogue

Several months later...
Wendy (who has now legally changed her name to “Wendy the Tag Wench”)
is holding forth in a local tavern, The Skag’s Muffin.

Wendy The Tag Wench
“You see, a lot of the men were somewhat frightened…
no, that’s not fair,
they weren’t so much frightened as they were terrified.

But, I have the cold-blooded heart of a woman and I stood my ground.
(plus the men had locked me out of the cabin).
I alone stood on the very back of the transom and took dead aim.

**It was then that the shark (far bigger than any Megladon)
knew who was boss.

The shark stopped, bent over and let me place
my shark tag just below his dorsal fin with my bare hand.”**

The crowd shuttered at the thought of such bravery.

Just then, Hammy moved from the back to the front of the crowd.

Hammy
**“That’s right, it was just Wendy and me left up on deck
while the others quivered behind the galley doors.

But, don’t blame them.
This was a once in a lifetime horrific event
that would have scared any normal human bein’
out of their skivvies.”**

Hammy reached his hand gently into his pocket and said,
“Isn’t that right Wendy the Tag Wench?”

Hammy pulled his hand out of his pocket and
threw the unused shark tag onto the table.
It had the same markings as the one she had hidden in the refrigerator.
A look of horror descended over Wendy the Tag Wench’s face.

Hammy
“Why don’t you get the next round, Wendy?”

Wendy the Tag Wench
“Yeah…fine.”

Hammy
**“So, where was I?

Oh yeah, as Wendy the Tag Wench tripped and fell on top of Old Hitler,
I thought to myself.
Hammy, you’re a man of action…..
you should do something or Wendy the Tag Wench’s
incompetence will surely get her killed.

Well, it was no big deal,
but I found myself automatically sliding into one of my most
lethal shark wrangling holds know to man.

Well, needless to say, Old Hitler didn’t know what hit him…”**

Hammy motions to the beautiful bar maid.
“Ten more pitcher’s over here, honey.
You can pay for that can’t you, Wendy?”

But Wendy was already lost in her own thoughts.

Wendy the Tag Wench
**“Well, It looks like I am going to have to change my name, again…

Hey, what about Buffy, the Vampire Stabber?

Yeah, that should be worth a few months of bar tabs.”**

The End

Old Hitler During Happier Days

Old Hitler’s Adolescent Years

To Our Readers

Because of the tremendous response of Shark Weak,
please look out for our next fact-based novel:

**Vladimir Putin

Man of Action**

To be released in bookstores everywhere during the Fall
(of the United States).

We would like to take a moment to officially thank
The Discovery Channel and the creators of Shark Week
for their ever increasing efforts to bring its viewers
all that is false and sensationalized in an effort to better
understand the plight of the shark and to win the all
important rating race.

Special recognition should be noted to the makers of
Shark of Darkness: Wrath of Submarine and
Monster Hammerhead for setting the bar so dog gone high.

We would also like to thank Yahoo! Search
for all of their help in obtaining all of the quality images
shown in this book.
This book would be nothing without their images.

It should not go unmentioned that I have stolen a number
of scenes from Jaws the movie and from the original book
by Peter Benchley.