“BUT I’M NOT CRAZY, I’M JUST A LITTLE UNWELL I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU CAN’T TELL BUT STAY AWHILE AND MAYBE THEN YOU’LL SEE A DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME”

I did not know May was Mental Health Awareness Month. I’m going to break the ice and let you guys in on a secret. I have a mental illness. Almost all of us do. Hard to believe, isn’t it? Mental illness is not contagious. It’s not a disease. It’s a medical condition. It can stem from depression, anxiety, eating disorders, learning disorders, to even substance abuse. The list goes on. And here I bet you thought you were normal.

I’m going to talk about my mental illness today. I have a few. While some may think I have it all together (most of the time), I don’t. I fake it very very well. In no particular order, I suffer from depression, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), panic disorder associated with agoraphobic tendencies.

The PTSD is not nearly as bad as it used to be as it is controlled with meds, but it is attributed to several things. The main thing being my car accident. I get flashbacks frequently, and I also wake up from sleep very often “re-living” the nightmare. There are other things from my past, from when I was a little girl, that we won’t get into here, I save that part for those I trust when I need someone to talk to.

The others, however, I do not know how I got them, nor do I know how to control them. I do enjoy being around people, don’t get me wrong. But I spent most of my adulthood being independent and living by myself that when I’m in large crowds or groups, I get very jittery and anxious and the feelings I get can’t really be described, but I will try. It feels sort of like being scared to the point of freezing up and not being able to move, scream, or do anything. Sometimes, it’s to the point where I can’t shut up and just keep fidgeting and rambling on. There’s no balance between the two. It’s either one or the other. Now, if I have a job and am at work, it’s not like this at all. It’s usually around massive crowds of people, like sci-fi conventions and wandering around thousands of people trying to find the group you are with and people running into you. There’s really no better way to explain it. If someone is with me, it’s not bad at all.

Some of this anxiety, I feel, also stems from being a 911 dispatcher and knowing the evil that is out there. When I lived alone, and not in my current situation, I would always do my grocery shopping when it was either really early in the morning or late at night, when I would get off of work. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Late at night, Jen? Isn’t that dangerous? Well, it is and it isn’t. I would shop where I knew we had off-duty units doing security work who would always walk to the door and watch me to my car so I knew I would be safe.

But rest assured, anxiety is nothing to joke around about. It is a fear for me. And being afraid is not a good feeling. And to almost constantly have this feeling is the worst in the world. It messes with your ability to function properly and it will mess with your ability to have relationships with people. I mean everyday relationships, not just romantic relationships. However, having said that, once you feel comfortable around certain people, this anxiety goes away when you are around these people (most of the time), but it is not guaranteed that it will always stay away. It can also interfere with your work performance as well, but, it can also give you confidence in yourself if you know that you can do your job and tell your anxiety to “bite it“, you have something you have to get accomplished today and set that as your goal.

Moving on to the depression. There is really not a cure for that. Depending on what type of depression you have depends on how you seek out treatment. You may choose therapy, a psychiatrist, or no treatment at all and think you can conquer this bad boy on your own. Whatever you do, it’s a tough decision to make. Talking with friends who boost you up when you are down does work, but it’s not a solution to the problem. It’s a temporary fix. Just like alcohol is to an alcoholic or opiates are to a heroin addict. Once you’re down again, you need that boost. If you don’t get that boost when you need it, you may head down a spiral that you don’t want to go down which may lead to bad thoughts before you can seek help.

Fortunately, I’ve not had that issue yet. I’ve had a good support system. I’ve recently started seeing a therapist because my doctor thought it would be a good idea. This is just a trial run. I’ve been in a rut for a few months with not being able to find a job, my health, and now trying to find a job again. I stay isolated in a guest room (agoraphobic tendencies) and I’m okay with that, but it’s not healthy. When I do go out, I visit places I know aren’t crowded and I am a people person. I’m the complete opposite. I have to give myself pep talks that I can do this. I say to myself, “I’m going to go in there and I’m going to speak first and I will have a conversation and leave and I will feel better”. And you know what, I do.

Just because a person doesn’t look sick or have superficial scars doesn’t mean that they are sick or hurting. Never, ever, judge a book by it’s cover. Yes, I learned that from an Aerosmith song. But seriously, just because someone looks well, doesn’t mean all is well, so never think that. That person could be on an emotional roller coaster and may need someone there for them. If you are able to help, do so and lend an ear. You never know when you may need it.