Doctor in a mirror

Chapter 1
They hate me
Annabel rose from the crowd, met her mother’s eyes and felt like melting away. The clapping of the younger pupils was drowned by the loud booing of the senior pupils of Fika Goma ya Musa Primary School. The majority of those who were jeering were from standard six and seven. Annabel guessed why they were doing so. The parents who had attended the closing ceremony murmured as they sought to know why there was jeering as opposed to clapping for the leading pupil in standard six. The master of ceremonies, the area chief, laughed loudly when the headteacher whispered something to him. Annabel was greatly embarrased. Her heart beat loudly as she stared blankly at the plain blue skies. Her body was rapidly getting soaked in sweat; not as a result of the sweltering heat, but the tension that was gradually building in her.She blinked repeatedly in a bid to stop tears from streaming down her cheeks. Her feet trembled as she sought extra energy to pave her way through the lower primary pupils. She had sat with them, to seek consolation from her younger sister, who was in standard two. Her younger sister did not have an idea of what was happening. She too started booing when she heard the heckling grow louder and louder. Annabel was deeply hurt, especially when her former friends and classmates whispered the word “child” to her. She knew she could do nothing except stomach the insults and allow them to torment her.
It had been a bad day for Annabel. She felt as if Undi village, just like the arid climate of its location, had become a desert of good emotions. Before the meeting started, she had secluded herself from her classmates. The rest of the standard six pupils had remained in the incomplete school block talking endlessly about what was to happen that holiday. Annabel had preferred to sit under one of the few trees that gave a scanty shade in the compound. She had attempted to read a story book but her mind could not concentrate.
The class teacher, Mrs Betty, ordered for silence and the booing slowly faded out. Annabel had left behind a trail of dust as she irately walked on, unsure of whether she was walking fast or running towards the guest of honour’s table. Though she had emerged position one in her class, there was no excitement. She wished she did not occupy any of the first three positions. That way, she would not have had to face the jeering crowd. Although there were appreciative claps for all the other students, she was the only one who had to endure a round of jeers. This was a piercing humiliation.
She felt like fainting when she stood a few steps from where the slender Mrs Betty and the chief sat. She swung her body thoughtlessly, not sure of what to do with her hands. The second and third place were occupied by boys. The loud applauses they received told of a hatred that existed between Annabel and most of the pupils in the school.
When the pupils of the lower primary heard the clapping from the senior pupils grow louder, they too took up the cue. Annabel felt humiliated and for the first time in her life, she hated being in that school.
She stared blankly at her dusty feet, not having the courage to face Mrs Betty who stood a few feet from her. Her torn dark blue dress and her patched sweater did not worry her. The stitched collar of her blouse fell on her sweater. Compared to a couple of pupils, she was better off. She had a school uniform which did not have as many patches as some of the pupils. This made her appear more decent. What was important in the school was attendance, as availability of students was the main problem in the area. Going to school on an empty stomach was a burden and many easily dropped out of school. If the headteacher emphasised on wearing school uniform, then he was bound to lose many pupils. Annabel was lucky to have a school uniform.
“Where is Annabel’s mother?” the class teacher asked loudly.
Annabel looked through the audience and noticed her sad mother rise and walk towards the front. Mebo adjusted the leso that she had tied around her waist. Despite her young looks, she had seven children, all of them younger than Annabel. Annabel’s mother was the last of her husband’s five wives. Annabel’s father, Mzee Runda was very old and in spite of his advanced age, he was well known for his harshness. Annabel felt embarrassed to refer to him as her father; she felt that he was old enough to be her grandfather.
She looked at her mother and noticed traces of embarassment inscribed on her rough face. Annabel could not say anything to her. However, she felt bad that she had subjected her mother to such reproach. Taking position one seemed to have accelerated the embarrassment and her friends seemed to have won. They had started by chasing her away from where they had sat. They claimed that she was stinking. They said that she needed to stay with the children because she was a grown up ‘child’. She was hurt and humiliated. When Annabel walked to the toilets to cry, her former friend, Phyllis, followed her. Phyllis had been warned against relating with her. Only Grace and Lucy had remained as friends. Annabel was sure that the friendship would not last through that holiday. It was going to die off. It had actually started to die.
“Your breasts are bigger than ours, but you are still a ‘child,” Phyllis said to her face.
Annabel did not respond. She fought back the tears of humiliation that welled up in her eyes. When she entered the toilet, she touched her chest and wondered whether that was enough to make her a woman. Though her body was small, her breasts had grown extremely big to the extent that she at times felt really embarrassed. Boys had kept on playing with her until she reported them to the class teacher. They were warned against their bad jokes. Annabel was advised to be putting on a brassier so as not to make her breasts so conspicuous“Our guest of honour will award Annabel. She emerged the top pupil in her class. She was also position three in the county. Let’s clap for her,” the teacher said.
Some booing was audible from where the senior pupils sat. Her mother patted her on the back before holding her hand.
“If I see you doing that, you will know why the sun rises in the east,” said Mrs Betty. Loud laughter followed from both the pupils and the parents. Mrs Betty was always a funny teacher, but very tough in disciplining pupils.
Annabel did not laugh. She walked towards the table, accompanied by her mother, and received a basin as the gift for holding position one. She was trembling so badly that the basin fell on the table. Her mother picked it for her.
“Congratulations, Annabel,” the teacher finally said. “You can go back.”
Annabel gave the basin to her mother. She stared at the ground with humiliation, wondering how she could walk through the audience to her seat. She however managed to walk back to where she had sat before. There were jeers again, and Annabel refrained herself from responding. She occupied her space on the squeaking pew.
“Annabel, why did they jeer at you?” her sister, Kate, asked honestly.
“They hate me,” Annabel responded painfully. Her sister did not respond but instead looked surprised.
“I am going to stay with Mother,” Kate finally said.
Annabel did not answer. She wished the ceremony would come to a close so that she would run away from school, and possibly never come back there. The following term showed signs of being worse and lonelier. She would be completely isolated. No one, including the boys would want to relate with her. They would claim that she stinked, and that she was breeding a curse. This disturbed her; she wanted to run away from all of this. Though her mother agreed with her, she was not giving her any solution. She just watched her in pity. Her mother could not tell her father or Annabel’s ruthless step brothers anything. Her mother Mebo, only watched in silence just like she did when Annabel was being booed by the audience at school.
Annabel looked at the clear blue sky, recalled the sad stories she had heard and shook her head. She then looked at her mother. She noticed how she was swinging the basin absentmindedly. It was not going to take long before her mother had to run to the washroom again. Annabel’s mother had a problem of a weak bowel. She always had to rush to the toilet to empty her bladder. Annabel knew that she was about to do that despite her not having taken any drink in the morning. It could have been worse if she had taken porridge.
Annabel shook her head as the painful stories that her mother told her invaded her mind. Since she was nine years, her mother had faced the worst of life, including living with the embarrassment of her weak bowel. Annabel noticed that this made her mother shun visiting other people. Annabel had never gathered enough courage to ask her mother how that problem started, but she had always sympathized with her. She had her own guesses on what could be the cause. She desired to be a doctor so that she could assist her mother. Annabel closed her eyes as she sensed tears welling up in her eyes again.
“No, I can’t do it,” Annabel whispered to herself. “I can’t and won’t do it.”
Chapter 2
Everyone does it!
The heat was sweltering and consumed in her thoughts, Annabel walked along the rocky road that led to her village. It was during the dry season. The scanty scrubs on both sides of the road had shed off their leaves. She looked down on the road lest she stepped on the numerous spiky thorns. Her mother had remained behind as she met her siblings’ class teachers. She was picking report forms for all of Annabel’s siblings. Annabel could not wait for her. She had decided to walk home and run away from the embarrassment her classmates took her through.
A couple of her classmates had followed her before she left the gate and warned her against coming back to school when she was still a ‘child’. She did not say anything to them. She just pretended to be deaf. She was glad when they turned and went back to school. However, Grace and Lucy caught up with her.
“We shall have a lot of money when we come next term,” Grace commented in her soprano voice.
Annabel did not respond.
“We shall have one week celebrations before that happens. Did you see how Phyllis was treated? She had a lot of money,” Lucy answered.
Annabel knew how girls who went for circumcision were showered with money before, during and after the circumcision.
“Annabel, you should think twice. You will be the only uncircumcised girl in our class. Who will be your friend?” Grace asked.Annabel looked at the far horizon. A herd of cattle passed by the road and the small boy who was herding the cattle passed–by, whistling. She did not know what to tell her friends but she was not interested in undergoing the operation. She had her dreams. Becoming a doctor is all she wanted.
“You will be chased away from the village if you refuse,” Lucy warned.
“I am going to run away. I am not ready for the ‘knife’ and I don’t think anyone will force me to undergo it,” Annabel finally commented boldly.
“The community will reject you. You should also know that you will never get a husband. No man will want to marry you,” Lucy cautioned Annabel. “Did you see how people booed you because have always refused to be circumcised?”
Annabel did not want to argue. The awful stories her mother told her always came back to her mind whenever she thought about getting circumcised. Her mother was circumcised at the age of nine years and forced to marry her father, who was then sixty five years. Her mother had confided in her one evening. She told her how she faced a lot of difficulties. She was beaten regularly as she was being trained the duties of a wife. She became pregnant at the age of ten years, something that marked another painful experience. She almost died when she was giving birth to her. Luckily, she was taken to a hospital where an operation was carried out.
Annabel’s mother had to be admitted at the hospital for three weeks. After barely five months, she was pregnant again and the experience was the same. The torture she underwent was horrible.
Annabel’s mother also narrated the horrific events of her initiation. She had bled after the woman carrying out the circumcision cut her with a blade. The pain was overwhelming but she could not cry as they had been warned against this act of cowardice. One would be beaten thoroughly if she cried. Crying would cause one not to be showered with gifts. She therefore endured the pain and no tear dropped from her eyes. She had agreed to be circumcised as she was longing to be a woman. She had desired the gifts, and the weeklong celebrations. She had also wanted to make her parents happy. She did get the gifts but what followed was an endless journey of painful misery. Her father was given dowry in form of cows later on, and the deal was sealed. The fate of her life was also sealed. She could not go back. She was married. She now lived a day at a time. Annabel did not interrupt when her mother was telling the story. She did not know why she told her this. Annabel was too shy to ask questions.
“Every woman gets circumcised here in this village. You cannot live here if you fail to undergo the operation. People will forever jeer you and no one will want to interact with you. Did you hear how they jeered you today?” Annabel remembered Grace’s words vividly.
She shook her head as if trying to wake herself from a bad dream. She remembered how her secret had leaked out. Annabel had made a mistake of disclosing her secret to Phyllis, her friend. Phyllis had spread the secret to her other friends. She had told everyone in her class. The gossip had then spread to the other senior classes where all girls were circumcised.
Annabel had also told her mother that she was not going to be circumcised. Her mother had mixed feelings about this. She did not advise her on what to do or say what her feelings were. Annabel could guess that her mother wanted her to refuse the circumcision but she did not tell her what to do. Other girls in the village were ready and the date for the exercise had already been determined.
Annabel remembered her conversation with her friends that afternoon.
“Do you think other women from other communities get circumcised?” She had asked.
“Yes, no man can marry a woman who is not circumcised,” Grace had responded.”
“I am not interested in that,” Annabel had said with conviction.
“Women were created to be married and to take care of their families. They do not need to go to school,” Grace had countered.
“What about the women we read about in books; the ones who become educated? I want to be like them,” Annabel had said convincingly.
“Do you fear the circumcision?” Lucy asked uprightly.
“No, I simply do not want it. It is not healthy,” Annabel had answered.
“It is healthy. Men get circumcised. They then become adults. Women too get circumcised and they become mature,” Grace had added trying to persuade Annabel.
“Who will be your friend next term Annabel if you don’t? We can’t be,” Lucy warned her.
“Will you run away from me?” Annabel asked them.
“Yes, we cannot stay or relate with you. You know it is wrong. We shall be beaten if we do so. You will remain alone,” Grace had stated.
“It is okay,” Annabel had said aiming to end the argument.
An awkward silence ensued. Grace looked at the sky and a smile inscribed on her face.
“I am longing for it. Mum has bought me new clothes,” she said heartily.Annabel’s home would be uninhabitable if she failed to undergo the practice. Her old father and the step brothers would either have her circumcised or chased away. She had sensed that they were making arrangements for that, going to the extent of getting her a man to marry her. Some negotiations had already been done with a man she had consistently seen in their home yard. This man had always looked at her with funny eyes. He already had five wives and a dozen children. Annabel had overheard the discussions. Her mother knew what was going on but she had not talked to her. When Annabel asked her about the man and the numerous meetings, she had responded by saying that she was not aware of the negotiations. However, she agreed that some negotiations could be happening. Annabel did not know why her mother shed tears when she asked her about the marriage and when Annabel explained that she did not want to get married at an immature age. Rather than answer her exhaustively, her mother walked away, tears evidently flowing from her eyes. Her only remark was that it was all about the decision she made: “It’s your choice, Annabel.”
Annabel was anxious of what was going to become of her. Her anxiety was compounded by the imminent danger that lay ahead. With the circumcision mood and fever having spread all over the village, there was no way she could evade it. At fourteen years, she could not run away from the ritual and what ought to follow after that. She was lucky to have escaped the previous one. She had fallen extremely ill, and her father and step brothers had agreed that she could not be circumcised in that state. This time, she was healthy and plans seemed to have gone to an advanced stage. She had prayed to God to do something that could help stop the ritual yet there seemed to be no possibility of evading the practice.
She was now worried. Apart from the health complications that her mother once talked about, Annabel was not ready. She was not willing to undergo the ritual. She was not ready to go to the river on the eve of the circumcision day; she was not ready to stay in the chilly water for over one hour and walk into the small hut of the old lady who did the operation throughout the village. She could not imagine having her feet tied together for almost a whole month after the circumcision. She had never seen girls who had been circumcised walk around. Rumours went that the circumcised girls had their feet tied to avoid any tearing and bleeding. They were only untied after a month.
People could hardly see the circumcised girls as they stayed secluded in a house where they were fed very well for a whole month. Annabel did not long for any of the luxuries either.
Her friends lagged behind, possibly back biting her. She did not look back even when they laughed loudly. She increased her pace. After a period of time, she was far ahead of them. A fever caught her when she entered their compound. She noticed her father sitting at a far corner with the same old man whom she guessed was supposed to become her husband. They stared at her suspiciously. Her father, Mzee Runda was swinging his cane with his right hand.
She then saw three of her stepbrothers standing at another corner. They stared at her as she walked towards the house. They had not talked to her for almost a whole week after Annabel told them to their faces that she was not going to be circumcised. They had told her that those were her imaginations. They had sworn that she could not stay at that home and village if she refused to be circumcised. She would cease to be their sister if she remained uncircumcised. One of the brothers had wanted to beat her at that time but her stepmother had stopped him. There was a common resolve that no woman could remain part of the family if she refused to be circumcised. There was no room for such, just like there was no room for a woman who failed to be married.
With the prospect of a dowry, they were extremely determined to have Annabel undergo the same traditional ritual as other women. Annabel wanted to continue with her education and become the first woman in her entire village to attain a university degree. She wanted to become a doctor, a dream that now appeared remote. All signs showed that she might not continue with her education. She would never know what ailed her mother and how she could get treated. This notwithstanding, she had sworn not to subject herself to the cultural ritual. How to refuse remained her biggest challenge.
She walked towards her mother’s thatch-roofed mud house. Her mind was engrossed in waves of mental battles. She was as disturbed as a stormy sea.
Chapter 3
It is our culture
The whole village was in a celebratory mood. The aged woman who was to carry out the circumcision had confirmed her readiness. As usual, blades for each girl had been prepared. Jeff, Annabel’s stepbrother was aware of that. He had been involved in sharpening the blades. He had also covered them with linen to give each blade a handle. Several animal skins, supposed to be tied around the waist by the girls had been prepared by Jeff and company. Enough soot had also been collected. It was to be sprinkled on the freshly cut wound after the operation. Even the aloe vera that the old lady would put in fire and blow the smoke onto the initiates wounds was well placed in a corner of the hut. It would help the wound to dry and heal faster. Only this old woman understood how it workedAll these items had been delivered to the home of the famous granny, who went by the name,
Daktari. That was not her real name though, but a nickname coming from the duties she served, including serving as the village midwife. The old lady lived in a small thatched hut at the middle of the sparsely populated village of Heshimu Mungu. Unlike the other villagers, she did not own cows or goats. She survived on the goodwill of the people as she had no sons or relatives to herd the cows and goats or work on the farm.
Everyone had been waiting for the end of the school term for the one-week celebrations to start. People were eager. They joyfully waited for the big week. Within four weeks, the celebrations would be over and the girls’ wounds, possibly will have healed. Most of the girls will then start their families by getting married to the men they were betrothed to. There will be an exchange of cows, with lucky families getting a good number of cows for the dowry.
The man who had betrothed Annabel was rich. He had many cows and goats. If their culture allowed for counting of cows, then one would say he had more than 150 heads of cows, not mentioning the countless goats and sheep. Negotiations had gone on well and the man had agreed to pay a dowry of over fifty cows. This was a good number. It could raise the number of cows they had and the position of Mzee Runda among his peers. Being the first born son of the family, Jeff knew that he would have a good share of the benefits. The only hindrance though was that their stepsister had refused to be circumcised. She had preferred to be ostracized by the family than undergo an exercise that degraded her as a woman.
The family had plotted to force Annabel to go through initiation. They had planned to get hold of her and keep her locked up till dawn when they would take her to River Tena. They knew Annabel could be planning to run away. A girl from the neighbourhood had run away a year ago. She now schooled in a boarding school in the city. This girl was supposedly a friend of Annabel.
“She has entered the house,” Jeff told his other two brothers. The three of them were the first borns of the first three wives. They had been involved by their father in the plans of having Annabel circumcised and then married off to Mr Lukas, a former chief of the area. The man was in the compound. They had just concluded a meeting between him, his father Mzee Runda and the village elders.
“You know it’s my stepmother who has spoilt this girl,” Ken said.
“But she knows that no woman can stay here if she is not circumcised. I guess Annabel was influenced by her former friend,” Jeff commented.
“I don’t think so. Her friend has never come back since she ran away. The last time she came, she was accompanied by some people. Her father chased her and the guests away. Her father had threatened to call the vigilante group. She was told never to come back if she wanted to remain alive,” Ken explained.
Everyone feared the mention of the vigilante group. This group was started in a bid to fight cattle rustlers but it extended to defending the community and its traditions. This group at one point circumcised some aged uncircumcised women. Since then, women who did not want to be circumcised ran away from the village before they were reported or discovered by the vigilante members. Those who preached the ills of female circumcision stopped doing so, following the burning alive of two ladies who worked at a local hospital as nurses. The two had started to influence women and girls against circumcision. The group was seriously dreaded, Annabel’s friend ran away before the group was informed about her plan. If the group became aware of what Annabel was saying, she would be picked, possibly late at night, and they would circumcise her themselves using whatever tools they got. The case had not reached that extent though.
“Does Annabel know where this friend of hers went to?” Samuel asked.
“I doubt. She doesn’t know,” Ken responded. “Even if she knows, that should not worry us. She cannot run away. We are getting hold of her right away. She must join the other girls on Monday. The whole village will shout and watch her on that day. I wouldn’t want to imagine what would happen if the vigilante group gets wind of this,” Ken continued.
“Don’t even mention them,” Jeff pleaded.
Though they were men, they too dreaded the group. It was said that the members of the group were characterised by a recent practice of sniffing tobacco and other substances.
“I think we should get hold of her now. She is in the house,” Ken said.
The other stepbrothers agreed. They were to get hold of her and lock her up in Jeff’s house, where she would be tied to the bed awaiting the day of the ritual. She would be watched throughout the weekend. She would be taken out on Monday when the celebrations would be starting. Jeff’s mother had agreed to take care of Annabel. Annabel’s mother was to be kept out of the picture as she had shown some lack of cooperation. Their father had promised to deal with her incase she attempted to protect Annabel from traditions. The three rose and walked towards Annabel’s house.Chapter 4
It must be done!
Annabel had not taken off her school uniform after getting home that evening. She walked straight to her wooden bed and sat on what gave the impression of a mattress, a collection of clothes laid on the bed and covered with a worn out bed sheet. The bed sheet was older than her, and it was not cleaned regularly to prevent it from tearing. Cleaning was not common in this village as water was scarce. Laundry was done only on Sundays. On such a day, people walked miles to River Tena. Most people took bath on Sundays when they had the opportunity to walk to the river. The water fetched on that day had to run for the whole week and that is why showering in the middle of the week was unheard of.
Annabel thought about her friend Jennifer and wished she could know where she had run to. Jennifer’s fate was similar to hers. She was to be circumcised against her wish. She had already been betrothed to a man extremely older than her with three other wives. Jennifer was as intelligent in class as she and had vowed never to get married before she studied up to university level. Her parents could not hear anything of that nature. They made arrangements for her marriage arguing that girls were supposed to follow the tradition.
Jennifer had confided in Annabel about her resolve. They had met the night before she ran away.
Since that time, they had neither talked nor met; Annabel had been left wondering where she had run to. Rumour had it that she was in a boarding school in the city and that she was not willing to come back to the village after her father had disowned her. Annabel knew how big Jennifer’s dreams were. She had wished to become a lawyer so that she would stand up for women who were being oppressed by bad traditional practices. Annabel wished to talk to her at that time. She needed her advice so badly.
Her body shivered on imagining what would be happening to her in a week’s time. She was supposed to lie in front of the old woman popular for carrying out the operation in the village. People used to say that her long nails were part of the tools she used in the ritual. Annabel wondered what she sniffed or took before carrying out such a cruel ritual. She also wondered whether she ever washed her hands, as water was scarce in this village. The woman did not have children. She lived alone in the small hut that had holes all-round it. When a time like this came, girls were taken to that hut. The whole village accompanied them in song and dance. They would remain outside singing and dancing in celebration as the circumcision went on. Occasionally, a girl’s shrill voice would be heard rending the air. This act of cowardice was very much discouraged and such girls would be punished. Boldness was rewarded generously. After the exercise, girls would be showered with gifts for undergoing the ritual. The community would applaud them as they came out of the hut with skins tied around their waists. What would follow would be jubilation and awarding of gifts for bravery before they went to sit down with their legs put together.
Annabel touched her big-sized breasts; “Do I have to undergo the mutilation to become a woman?” she wondered. She shivered again on imagining herself opening her legs wide apart for the old lady to slice a piece of her organ. Her mother would be standing behind her, a sign of moral support.
She shuddered. She heard some movement outside their hut. She rose from the bed which she shared with five of her siblings. It was never comfortable sleeping on it. She had desired to get educated and liberate her family from poverty. Moving out of the bed and going to get married was not the best option. Her mother entered the house but the noise outside persisted.
There was some murmuring behind the hut. She could not peep through the window because it was high.
Annabel felt trapped and helpless in front of her mother.
“I am sorry, Mother; I ashamed you at school,” Annabel said meaning every word.
“I understand, Annabel, did you tell your classmates that you did not wish to participate in the celebrations?” she asked out of concern.
Annabel looked at her sad mother; she seemed annoyed.
“I told one friend. She then spread the gossip,” Annabel explained regretfully.
“You made a mistake, Annabel. Everyone now knows that you do not want to become a woman. They think that I am influencing you to make that decision. A group of elders stopped me along the way and warned me. Annabel, this is getting out of hand. You may have to rescind your decision. Remember that if this gossip continues to spread, the vigilante group will come to know about it, and you know what they will do to you. They will do it themselves, despite the fact that they are men. You are putting all of us at risk,” her mother explained trying to advise and reprimand at the same t