Helping yourself vs. Helping Others: an Analysis

Many people struggle with the question of how much they should invest their energies into improving their own lives vs. how much time and energy should be spent helping others. I will offer an analysis aimed at ameliorating one’s difficulties with this dilemma and possibly solving it.

There are several major problems with helping others. Do you actually know what they want or need (which can be very different)? Lives can be ruined from one person trying to help another. Example: A father wants his son to get his college paid for so he coerces him to enlist in the military for the benefits. The son is sent to war and dies a painful, horrible death in combat. The father can claim that he was just trying to help. But, that doesn’t matter at this point does it? So, clearly we need to be responsible for ourselves since we cannot trust other to know what is best for us and we also know things about ourselves that no one else can. And those things must be factored into decisions.

But honestly, the real way to solve this issue philosophically is to understand that all actions of all beings are selfish. There is truly no way around this. When you do decide to do something that you understand to be helpful to someone else, it is because you are getting something out of it immediately or because you believe you will get something in return in the future. People often say they help others because it makes them feel good. Ironically, people believe that this form of helping is unselfish. But as was just stated, it makes them feel good. So, they have already gotten an immediate return on their investment. So the entire interaction is misunderstood.

Another angle which needs to be looked at is “modeling.” Think of it this way: Would you rather have a parent who is a good role model, (i.e. someone who models a wonderful, highly functional way to live life) or a parent who lives poorly but who explains to you how you can live well? Of course, you are way better off being raised by a parent who models excellent behavior than one who fits into the “Do as i say, not as i do” paradigm. Children tend to behave the way their parents do and adopt similar viewpoints. Also, initially children learn by imitation, so they will simply imitate how their parents and others around them actually live.

Another way to think about this is to understand that if everyone helped themselves to the point of solving 100% of their problems, then no one would need any help. So, fundamentally, the need for help arises from a deficiency of one kind or another in the first place. Now, there are, of course, unforeseen misfortunes that happen in life. Some, like diseases, place the person in a position where he or she may not be able to provide for his or her own needs. However, for many other misfortunes, even if they are grave, the necessary amount of intelligence and willpower can conquer them. But what if this person who is the victim of misfortune has spent too much of their time helping others in life instead of helping him/herself? What if more time had been spent developing skills that would enable this person to solve his or her own problems? Then this person would not need help. And would have more dignity and empowerment and skill in life in general. So this is the paradox of helping others. If you choose to live that way, you may end up being helpless yourself. Whereas if high amounts of time and energy have been allocated towards personal development not only will you be much less likely to ever need help ( financial, psychological, advice, social, etc.) And, if the levels of personal development are high enough, you may actually get yourself into a position where you can help the world, thus helping, thousands or even millions of people, instead of just the few people around you.

So helping yourself is the best way to help others? Yes, i think so. Am i arguing that you should not help others? No. But ultimately there isn’t anyone you can count on more than yourself and helping others often has downsides. In fact, “helping” is often a form of enabling, which incentivizes weak character or manipulative behavior in others. Think about this: When you help someone, you are signaling to them that you would most likely be willing to help them in the future. Once a person knows this, then they have additional incentive to manipulate you to help them in the future. For someone willing to do this, especially someone who is good at manipulation, it is easier for them to manipulate you into helping them, than to work to correct the problem unaided.

The only really beneficial way to help people anyway is to help them in such a way that they improve their ability to help themselves. There is true value here. Just giving someone money when they need it and these kinds of “helpings” do not have much ROI either for that person or for you.

More food for thought: Try putting how loving or caring you are on your resume and see what kind of financial value that has in the job market. Sharing, caring, etc. are emphasized in kindergarten but self-development should be emphasized just as much or more so from this early age to give children a clear idea of what will be valuable throughout their lives. If the attitude in the group is one of “Just help each other out when help is needed” but an attitude of continuous self-development is not present in the individuals in the group, then the following problem can arise: People remain unskilled and therefore continue to create problems for themselves and then continue to need help. Thus, everyone is mired in problems with a very slow rate of progress for the group as a whole. By contrast, if each individual is increasing his or her skill in the important areas of life continuously, within a short period of time there won’t be much need for assistance by anyone in the group. See how much better that situation is. Again, i am not against helping others but you need to get whatever it is you are seeking to get out of helping that person up front so that you can avoid wasting your time. Both parties need to benefit to ensure fairness of any interaction and this is another overlooked aspect of why helping people can sometimes be the wrong thing to do. If you help someone else and they have no interest in helping you back, that interaction is unfair to you.

So what does it take for society to improve as a whole? Individuals need to be better. More intelligent, educated and skilled in every area of life. This is what is needed. Groups often present limiting forces on skill development. People in a group setting try to “fit in.” Restated, this simply means being average instead of being better than average. In order for the entire average skill level to be raised of all people individuals must strike out away from the average of the group and endeavor to become better than that. Then other individuals may attempt to keep up with the new outlier and slowly the group may move in the right direction of higher skill.

With this article, the intention is to add some new ways of thinking about this problem and perspectives that many people may not be familiar with.