Old Lady in Jaguar

I was walking back to my old nissan stationwagon, with my shopping and this woman in her 60's with her first wave feminism buzzcut pulls up in her shiny grey jaguar. Right next to me.

I'm eating a sandwich, updating spotify, charging my wireless headphones and plotting waypoints on my GPS.

I look up and this woman is looking back, at me, at my car and back at me.

Like, oh umm... I didn't mean to park my car next to him.

And I'm looking back at her like, I fucking hate your car and your face, go away I'm eating my sandwich.

And she's still giving me this ohhh, did I leave any valuables in there, is he going to scratch it?

So I intensify my look to express "fuck you I don't want your unibody pile of shit badge engineered vanity box, I have a perfectly nice vehicle that is simple to maintain and I actually own. Do you even care about the heritage of the vehicle you own? I bet you don't know Jaguar is now an Indian company do you? Because you could have bought a Lexus, but you didn't want an Asian car. And you're worried, what... I'm gonna steal it? Yeah, sure I'll bypass the alarm, the immobilizer the GPS tracking and the five security cameras in this car park with a chicken salad roll while you're buying flowers for Margaret.

Hope you enjoy them, you wasteful bastard

You're worried about me stealing your car? I'm worried about you making this entire fucking country unlivable, lady you stole my future by placing us in massive debt. You know what you should actually be worried about? The fact that prison looks better every day and 12 years of hard labor hasn't left me with enough to buy a house, but I can quite easily throw you through a windscreen if the stress of all this makes me snap.