This is my time at my first apartment in Tennessee, May-June 2018, and is mostly a continuation of the HONYs and my comments on them. In general, names have been changed or removed. Information may have been removed or added. Length is about 12 pages.
I stayed with my family briefly, then two days were spent at an Airbnb looking at various rooms to stay in. When I got there, I wasn’t receiving any cell service. On my laptop at my Airbnb, I contacted customer support through chat and told them the problem. It was fixed instantaneously.
One landlady I had contacted, [Julia, wanted to think about my application and get back to me. I spent a day sleeping in my car in a parking lot. This may have been the day that the Walmart employee dropped her cellphone and it slid into my bathroom stall as I was changing, and then another very nervous employee outside of the bathroom asked if I wanted to sign up for a gift card. I would have had to show ID. -2/20/20]
I rented a room from Julia in May and June.
She knew that I was uncomfortable living with men, and told me I would be able to help choose the next roommate. I was told the day before that a different man would be moving in with me. [This was about a week after I moved in. -2/20/20] He was called Harold Repitanski, as he "likes to repeat himself." He had a ………….. He was perhaps in his ………….. What was strange about him was that he almost never used the bathroom. The only shampoo in there was almost always left in the same spot at the same level, as were the rest of his toiletries placed neatly on the counter, although those were adjusted a few more times. I almost never heard him go in. He would often talk to himself loud enough for me to hear, repeating himself over and over again, saying very simple things. [His name and his habit of repeating himself were rather coincidental. He may have been a linguistic programmer or [hypnotist or] some such person. He often tried to set me at ease around him. -2/20/20] He installed some wiring in the house so he could work in the back and I could have the living room outside of my bedroom undisturbed. I could often hear him and Julia speak outside. One of the earlier conversations was about recycling in the laundry room not being rinsed out and attracting flies. He was very upset about it. I later asked to speak to him and we went to the living room. I told him that I could hear him outside (through a single pane of glass.) I told him I was the one who did that, as I didn’t know anything about recycling. I said if he has a problem with me, he should speak to me about anything I do, or else it would be complaining to the landlady about me. One day not long after I went for a hike in the …………. park, I had been experiencing back pain under my ribs, at the location of an apparent bite. Later, when I went to take a shower, the joints in my hand hurt and I held them and bent them a bit. After this, I heard Harold talking to Julia about how Lyme disease presents with muscle and joint pain. Harold said he had been having some pain in his back, but it might have been how he was sitting. Julia talked about how bad the condition could get. When I was speaking face to face with Brian Andrews, he said Lyme disease was a concern of his. He had known friends who had had it, and didn’t want to walk on the grass. I went out and got the antibiotics. [This is evidence of video surveillance in the bedroom and bathroom. Another thing that happened was a rescue cat that did not get along with people befriended me. After that I happened to walk into the kitchen and overhear Harold talking loudly on the phone, admitting to some nervous problem that had been somewhat debilitating. This may have been to recreate my relationship with the cat with him. -2/20/20]
I heard Julia talking about the crazy neighbors who could shoot if you came over. But she said she thought she saw someone moving out. Harold said he thought someone was living there. (It seems to be typical for FBI agents to try to live as close by as they can.)
Over the summer my family's dog died. The date he died was 6-25-18.
While I was working on getting my high school equivalency test done for college, during my second meeting with the teacher, he kept asking me pressing questions in a low, controlled, urgent voice, demanding I tell him where I am taking the test, and at which location.
When I left, I went to say goodbye to Harold, who I had stayed away from almost as much as humanly possible. He asked me if I was moving to another state, and said [in a negative tone] good luck, you never know what could happen. He may have overheard me on the phone with my legal service asking about the terms of where I was moving to next.
Humans of New York
“I want to make sure I don’t miss a second of connectedness to the brands I’m representing. In the digital world, there’s always this feeling that if you don’t respond back—it’s a lost opportunity. If someone is talking to you, you have to answer or they might think you don’t care. If a client asks my opinion, and I don’t reply ‘I agree with that’—he might ask someone else. My paycheck depends on always being connected. So there’s always a screen in front of me. I’m always responding to ‘pings’ and ‘dings.’ But it has a lot of consequences. Especially on my family. My kids are growing up, and the moments I should be focusing on are happening all around me. So that’s where I am right now. I want to figure out how technology and innovation can give me more time with my family, not less.”
[My brother Daniel had just posted something to my Facebook page to which I did not respond.]
…
Humans of New York
“Annie had a tantrum because our magazine had a Fun Zone with puzzles and I did all the puzzles. So she started stomping around but Mommy got sick of it so Annie went to time out in our room and turned out all the lights. I tried to go inside but she kicked her boots at me. I waited for ten minutes and then I went in quickly and asked her to help me on a puzzle where you had to find all the differences. And that made her happy again because Annie loves puzzles."
[Annie does not participate in puzzles that involve terrorizing innocent people. -12/7/18]
[Note: Andrews considers torturing innocent people all day to be the Fun Zone. -3-10-20]
This HONY entry may have been around 5-4-18. At 1 am, the dogs barked, and were let loose. The next day one had a limp.
…
Humans of New York
“I’m producing a podcast right now and I keep coming home pissed off. I dread getting emails from my collaborators. I get angry every time they disagree with my approach. It’s just that I want to feel proud of what I create. I want everything that I make to be a reflection of myself. And that’s impossible when you’re working with collaborators. So I have to get better at separating myself from my work. Every project doesn’t need to represent me as a human. The reality is that the podcast is bigger than me. There’s a lot of money involved. There’s a lot of people involved. And for some reason I’m the only one that’s pissed off. If I keep saying that the problem is everyone else, and one by one they’re saying the problem is me—then it’s probably me.”
5-8-18
Humans of New York
“Five years ago I had a bout with breast cancer. I didn’t catch it very early. I had to get chemo, radiation, and a mastectomy. I’d never felt so tired in my entire life, but it didn’t just throw me off physically. It made me really, really sad. I lost all my enthusiasm. I lost my positivity. Before it happened, I had so many dreams. I had been thinking of starting a business. Or maybe writing stories again. It seemed like I could accomplish anything if only I did the things that I was supposed to do. But all that disappeared after the cancer. I got much more self-conscious. I started thinking: ‘If bad things can happen at any time—why even bother?’ So I’ve been in a bit of a rut these last few years. I’ve been floating along as an office manager. But I recently lost that job, and I’m thinking this might be my chance to go after my dreams again. I’d love to work with young folks. I’d love to write books and stories for children. And I know it sounds crazy, but I really want to open a bookshop.”
5-9-18
Humans of New York
“We’ve been married for almost twenty years. We have two children. But he suffers from depression and self-medicates with alcohol. He’ll quit drinking for stretches at a time, but he keeps falling back into it. So I have to support our family on a single income. And I’m just so tired of keeping him uplifted all the time. I don’t feel emotionally supported. There’s no physical intimacy. But I can’t bring myself to leave. He’s a great dad when he’s sober. And I know that our family might be the only thing holding him together. But I can’t help but wonder: ‘Am I missing out on an amazing relationship?’ Especially when I feel tempted at a work party. I just miss that feeling of connection. But my husband hasn’t crossed any red lines. He hasn’t hit me. He hasn’t cheated. If I found out he cheated, it would be so easy. And it’s gotten to the point where I almost hope he would.”
5-10-18
[My comment on Facebook] You aren't really together. I don't see any way forward with the way things are. You should find someone who can give back.
[A few hours after I wrote this, my landlady gives me a clear shower curtain. She says she realized I didn't have one. -12/7/18][The shower curtain was obviously a reference to the recent incident in Maryland where it slipped. -2/20/20]
[Narcissists feel empty alone and look to others for emotional support. If they are trying to get that from someone who is blank and numb from the devastation they have wrought or for some other reason, it is highly unpalatable to them. They are constantly trying to create the right emotional energy in someone, and are willing to use threats to get it. In this case, it was more like threatening to leave the "relationship." -2/20/20]
[At the time my days were spent mostly in my room studying math. My mood was generally sullen. I remember I used to listen to Jordan Peterson, and one of his points that had made an impression on me was that there is good reason to be resentful, but people were meant to slay dragons. They were meant to go out into the wild and the chaos, and struggle with it to create order. He talked a lot about personal responsibility, being proactive rather than reactive. I was feeling sorry for myself, which was totally legitimate, but he made good points about making the most of the opportunities I had, no matter how slight. This was one of several things that changed my orientation from victim to fighter (peacefully) in the next several months, starting around August.
Another reason was that at first I had thought they were human beings capable of normal compassion, and if I showed them what they were doing was upsetting me, they would understand that it was wrong. If I acted “Ok,” I thought it was like saying that I was okay with what they were doing, and that was a statement that I did not want to make. But I came to understand that they weren’t listening like normal people. It is still hard for me to wrap my head around, but they set out to upset me. I couldn’t control how other people choose to be irrational, so I decided to “let them go” in that I didn’t feel I needed them to realize anything.
I used to really admire Vulcans from Star Trek. That was a good visual of how to approach problems from a productive standpoint rather than emotional.
Another thing that really helped was worship. Being able to meditate on real purity and goodness helped to ease the misery of the filth that I was constantly presented with, and it gave me a direction to strive for. -10/20/20]
5-10-18
Humans of New York
“When I’m home, nobody will talk to me. It’s like I am dead. I don’t like quiet because then I have nothing. So I ride the train into the city. Compared to home, the city is like heaven. There are a million people you can ask for help. There are people to help you up the stairs. And there are so many smells. I love the smell of food. Right now I’m trying to memorize my way to Carnegie Hall. I like to go to theaters and museums where my mind can be nourished. Sometimes I can hear tourists talking about the exhibits. Sometimes I hear college students talking to each other and it makes me feel younger. It makes me feel like I’m still alive in this world.”
5-14-18
Humans of New York
“When I went to college, I thought about joining one of those Asian student organizations. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go ‘all in’ on being Asian. I had to ask myself how integral it was to my identity. I’ve never been very traditional. I grew up in a white town on Long Island. If I described myself in three adjectives, ‘Asian’ wouldn’t be one of them. But on the other hand, the world is going to see race anyway. I view myself as Chinese, but Asian is the first thing people see. So if it’s how everyone sees you, should you see yourself the same way?”
5-15-18
Humans of New York
“I’m from a small town in the mountains of northern Georgia. We’re famous for apples. I moved here a week ago to try to be an actor. Right now I’m applying for waiter positions. I’ve got a little crypto currency and $5,000 saved from working at the carwash, so I figure I can make it for at least a year. I did have one major role back in Georgia. It was the guy’s first film. I had a big death scene where a ghost blew some powder on my face and melted it off. I’m really just taking all the jobs I can get right now so I can build a reel. It’s mostly unpaid stuff. I booked a music video for Sunday that I found on Facebook. Don’t ask me the artist or genre. All it said was: ‘Have to be comfortable being painted.’ Whatever that means.
[There’s a double meaning in "being painted." One meaning I remember hearing is to be made the target of a drone.]
5-16-18
Humans of New York
“After graduating I worked as an industrial engineer. I spent five years designing presses for all kinds of factories. But it got too predictable. I was spending eight hours in front of a computer every day. It wasn’t enough for me. My mind was always somewhere else. Engineering has never just been a job for me. It’s what makes me feel alive. It has to be something I struggle with. If I find the answer too easily, it has no value for me. So I went back to school and got my PhD in biomechanics, and now I’m doing research in exoskeletons. My lows are now lower. I never feel smart enough. I’m constantly discovering people who are doing similar or better work. But my highs are also higher. Because every time I discover a solution, it feels like I’m bringing the future closer."
[My major was engineering. Andrews has a degree in medicine.]
5-17-18
Humans of New York
“I have pretty bad social anxiety. But I decided that I was going to be more outgoing when I went to college. So I joined the Facebook group for incoming freshmen, and I sent a generic ‘hey’ to everyone. Almost everyone gave me a generic ‘hey’ back, but he kept responding. Then he added me on Snapchat. He started sending me selfies and I responded with pictures of my living room. He wanted to FaceTime, but I hate seeing my own face in the corner so we just talked on the phone instead. When school finally started, we went out together with a group of people. We didn’t make much eye contact but we did stand next to each other the entire time. A month later we were in class and I was making fun of him for not using soap when he washes his hands. And he said: ‘If I use soap, will you date me?’ And I said ‘yes.’ So here we are.”
[I am introverted. Also, I had been taking pictures of the living room or bedroom, not really selfies.]
5-29-18
Humans of New York
“I worked at a make-up counter after graduating with a chemistry degree. My African mother was so mad. But I love make-up. It’s like therapy. You make people feel good. You can change how they think, how they walk, how they talk. It’s transformative. Even when I got a job at a tech company, I still primarily viewed myself as a make-up artist. I had my own website. On the weekends I’d work weddings. But I always wanted to do it full time. So I finally took the leap. I moved to New York. I started getting on assistant lists. I did make-up for a few web series. I networked with people on Instagram. It was scary at first, but it’s been three years now and I finally feel safe. I’m getting magazine jobs. I just did a pilot for Comedy Central. Last month I paid off all my credit cards. And I think my African mother is finally coming around.”
5-30-18?
Humans of New York
“We had a Native American museum today in third grade and the whole school came. I’ve been looking forward to it ever since second grade when I learned that third graders get to make dioramas. The museum was open from 10:15 to 10:45 or something like that. There was a cooking section where we gave out pumpkin bread. Then there was a tools and artifacts section. My table was in the games section. I put my snow snake on display. Snow snake is a very fun game in my opinion, but only four people came to my table. They said: ‘What is that?’ And I said: ‘It’s a snow snake. You can read about it on my poster.’ Then they looked at my poster for two seconds and went to get some pumpkin bread."
[I had just gone for a walk in the [park] behind my neighborhood. I met a dog there. This dog was full of energy and friendly, so we made friends and scouted through the woods together, poking at things, running down paths, being perfectly natural. [The park] had a place to "cook" at the ovens, it had some old tools, and there is one gravel path that goes by the main building that may be a "snow snake" from above. The next morning, I went to the gravel path at around 10:45 am, and off in the distance there was a man standing at the front corner of the building who waved to me and said hello. I looked at him curiously, as I did not recognize him. "How are you?" He asked. I began to approach when another man walked up wearing the same thing. He was bald and had sunglasses. I backed off and walked around and into the building to check to see if a bug had gotten in my eye. As I walked up the steps, one of the men (they seemed to be maintenance men) had half a smile on his face while looking down. When I came out, the first man got a phone call, and then no one approached me. I waited, but they stayed away. I went back home to where Harold Repitanski was angry about something I don't know what. -12/7/18]
On 5/30/18, my sister Becky PMed me on Facebook “Also, have you seen the college humor video about America being like a bad boyfriend? I got a kick out of that too … Lol, it’s sad cause it’s true” After that I backed off and barely spoke to her, hoping that that would protect her. I was wrong.
5-31-18
Humans of New York
“I married when I was sixteen. It was an arranged marriage. I’d never seen him before. I just came home from school one day and my dad told me that someone is coming to see you. He said: ‘You’re going to get married.’ The man was twenty-nine. I was so upset. Nobody ever discussed it with me. I had wanted to finish my education. I had wanted to be a flight attendant. I fought so hard but the whole family turned against me. Everyone stopped talking to me. My father stopped eating. So I gave up. I married my husband and came to America. I had three kids by the time I was twenty. I’ve accepted it now. He’s a good father to my children. He tried to tell me what to do at first but he’s given up. I work at Starbucks and the bakery. They’re nice people. They treat me good. But one day I’d like to maybe have a higher position so that I can work just one job. So I can spend some time on myself. And so I can maybe finally go to school."
[I gave no response. -12/7/18]
[This seems like a very angry reaction, like he can take me whether I like it or not and I'm just going to be miserable. It describes a romantic interest that is about using someone rather than loving them. Consistent with narcissism and stalkers. Doesn't give me the impression of safety given his position. -2/20/20]
6-2-18
Humans of New York
“It’s International Whores' Day today. It’s about reclaiming the word. ‘Whore’ is a hateful word. There’s so much stigma in that word. It can be used against any woman that you want to hurt. It’s dehumanizing. And it strips sex workers of dignity. Construction workers get paid to use their bodies. Factory workers get paid to use their bodies. But if you use your genitals then suddenly you’re an outcast. Sex workers are at the highest risk of sexualized violence. And it’s funny that in this era where everyone is calling out workplace harassment, the most vulnerable group is being ignored. They’re not seen as worthy of protection. Language matters. So we shouldn’t be calling people ‘whores.’ We should be calling them ‘people.’”
6-4-18
Humans of New York
“I turned fifty a couple weeks ago. I’ve lived in the same neighborhood for most of my life, which makes it more challenging because everything around me has changed so dramatically. My best friend and I got our first apartment here when we were twenty years old. We used to play this game where we’d race each other through the streets. We’d take off our shirts and run to the Hudson. First one to get there was King Of The World. There was a vibrancy back then. People would see us running but they’d be OK with it. Because we were young. We were allowed to take up space. You think you’ll act young forever but the rules change. Your audience won’t allow it. We’re programmed to see older people a certain way. You can almost chart it on a graph. You disappear as you age and the world notices you less and less. And it makes you realize how much energy you got from being noticed."
[This is obviously in reference to the fun I had "alone" running through the woods. It seems this stoked some desire in him, and the next thing he did was set up a meet where presumably I would be recruited and he could get closer to me. The failure of that attempt seems to have first created rage. Now he is taking on a more conciliatory tone, seeking to gain my understanding. -2/20/20]
6-4-18
Humans of New York
“I felt humiliated and suicidal in college. It seemed like my personal failings were on display for everyone to see. I’m not all that attractive. I have a speech impediment. I’m not good socially. I saw other guys having romantic success and I felt a lot of envy. I concluded that women owed me something. They owed me a chance. And I was angry they weren’t giving it to me. I’m ashamed of it now, but during that time I formed a lot of bad and hateful opinions. I joined ‘incel’ communities on 4chan and Reddit. I found a lot of men there who felt just like me. The community provided this pseudoscientific justification for hating women. It let us feel like it wasn’t our fault. We stoked each other’s anger. And it felt good. Honestly, anger is just very addictive. You want to feel angry when you’re suffering. It gives you adrenaline. It gets your endorphins going. It’s a release. It’s a substitute for what you’re missing.”
[A much stronger attempt at an apology, and asking for my understanding for his behavior. He seems to put his sense of entitlement for sexual access in a bad light here, which is encouraging. -2/20/20]
6-5-18
Humans of New York
“I was not a tough kid growing up. I was timid. I was very sensitive to pain in other kids. I never wanted to do anything that made people feel worse than they already did. And God forbid I ever hurt somebody. That would just destroy me. I’m having to learn to dial that back as an adult. There’s such a thing as being too compassionate. If you’re too scared of causing pain, you can easily be manipulated. Your fear becomes a button to be pushed. In my last relationship, I was made to feel hurtful or aggressive whenever I stood up for myself. So I always backed down. I’ve got to learn the line between being compassionate and being a doormat.”
7-21-18
[My comment on Facebook] Things to appreciate in people: having sincerity, wanting the best for you, trying to empower you. Things in people to not appreciate: having a false front, attempting to put you in compromising positions, dragging you down.
liked by [my mother]
[This was a comment I made on Facebook. The date I made it according to my Facebook history is the 21st. This would have been a response to something on that day, and I just found the appropriate place to put it. It explains what I look for in people. -2/22/20]
6-8-18
Humans of New York
“When you’re a kid, Jesus sounds like a hippie or Bernie Sanders or something so it all sounds pretty nice. But then the rules get confusing. You go to Catholic school and some guy in a dress named Brother Roy starts beating you cause you got in a fight. It’s sorta like Gitmo in there. And you start to realize that all these rules are just to keep people down. To keep women down especially because they have the ultimate power of not ****ing you. I do like the Jews because their version is less full of ****. A lot of those Talmud guys are so smart that they’re practically just atheists who love fairy tales. And Buddhism is pretty cool too cause it’s all in your head. No Pope. No mandatory meetings. Anyway, let me know if you figure it out. I don’t know **** I just dress well."
[This sounds similar to Brian Andrews's thinking. -2/22/20]
6-9-18
Humans of New York
“I was eating, sleeping, and ****ting libraries. My life was becoming a little one note. All my friends were librarians. My social life consisted of professional development conferences. I needed another source of inspiration. So I started writing comic book reviews online. I built up a nice little portfolio. One of my reviews was actually quoted on the back of a comic book. Another one got copied and pasted into a marketing email. They spelled my name wrong but it still felt great. I haven’t made any money yet, but you can’t put a price tag on this. I’m writing all the time. I’m engaging a part of brain that was being ignored. Two years ago I just worked in library sales. Now I’ve got a press pass to Comic Con.”
[I was pretty much studying all day. Narcissists are thrill seeking and get bored very easily. -2/22/20]
6-11-18
Humans of New York
“There was never any joy in it. I practiced every day since I was four years old. I was just afraid of what would happen if I stopped. My father was a ‘rageaholic.’ Even our piano playing came from a place of hate. He wanted to humiliate his colleagues and prove that his children were superior. He was a hematologist. He was respected in his field. His only friends were his colleagues. Occasionally he’d have them over to dinner. Or more accurately, they’d invite him first and he’d feel the need to reciprocate. Those dinners were an escape for my sister and me. He’d never act out his worst stuff in front of other people. I think the other doctors could sense something was wrong, but nobody ever pulled me aside. It felt like I was trapped in a castle with an evil king and queen and nobody was allowed inside. People did come in, of course. But they would never meddle. They were his guests and it’s not polite.”
[This sounds like the situation Andrews is creating for me. -2/22/20]
6-12-18
Humans of New York
“He’s had problems with speech since he was two years old. Even as a baby he would get frustrated when he couldn’t express himself. He’d scream. He’d clench his fists. He still occasionally has trouble knowing what he wants. Sometimes I can calm him down with words. Other times it just makes things worse, and I’m better off doing nothing at all. It’s a challenge every day. It’s especially tough in public because it seems like you have no control. You can feel people looking at you. And you feel judged, judged, judged. But every child is so different. Nobody understands your situation. And they don’t know your story.”
[He was not able to control my feelings?]
6-12-18
Humans of New York
“I’ve known I wanted to be an actor ever since we performed Horton Hears A Who in 5th grade drama camp. I studied theater in college. But right now I’m in between roles. It’s been a minute. My acting teacher told us to just focus on the callbacks. But getting callbacks is not getting a part. The last role I had was a space pirate in a Star Warsy kind of play. It was at an art gallery in Long Island City. I was fighting an evil race of aliens on a zombified planet, but I’d actually been hit by a train and was in a simulation to keep my brain active. It was every Halloween costume that I ever wanted to be, but I only made enough money to buy myself dinner. Do I choose more stability and less joy? Maybe I could find a job that has one element I enjoy, like Human Resources at Wells Fargo. Overall it would suck but at least I’d get to help people. Sure I’d spend six hours being upset, but at least I could help Jane with her issue.”
[Agents do a lot of acting, and try to terrorize people in all manner of ways. -2/22/20]
[When a person is going to sleep or waking up, they are in a hypnagogic state, and their dreams can be altered based on their sense perceptions. This is something that later on would become apparent. Dreams would become different in tone, uncharacteristic of me. There would be a series of nightmares going through different topics, some of which were relevant to current threats being posed. There would be many attempts to judge what emotional resonance a given scenario has with your subconscious as a way to read you. Sometimes it is just another way you can be spoken to. There may be attempts to alter your feelings towards people, or to get you to do things, though you may wake up. -2/24/20
From Wikipedia: Hypnagogic cognition, in comparison with that of normal, alert wakefulness, is characterized by heightened suggestibility,[19] illogic and a fluid association of ideas. Subjects are more receptive in the hypnagogic state to suggestion from an experimenter than at other times, and readily incorporate external stimuli into hypnagogic trains of thought and subsequent dreams. This receptivity has a physiological parallel; EEG readings show elevated responsiveness to sound around the onset of sleep.[20] – from the wiki page on Hypnagogia]
[I have just learned this is called Targeted Dream Incubation. From life science (dot) com, “dream manipulation machine”:
“MIT scientists have figured out how to manipulate your dreams by combining an app with a sleep-tracking device called Dormio. In their new study, the researchers were able to insert certain topics into a person's dreams, with some pretty bizarre outcomes.
To do so, the researchers at MIT Media Lab's Fluid Interfaces — a group that develops wearable systems and interfaces to enhance cognitive skills — used a technique called targeted dream incubation (TDI).” -9/28/20]
...
6-14-18
Humans of New York
“I was eleven when my mom divorced my stepdad. She had four kids at the time. I remember we were in the bedroom, and she said to me: ‘You’re the oldest so I’m going to need your help.’ And ever since then I’ve been ‘Mom Number Two.’ I picked my little brothers up from school. I cooked for them. I made sure they did their homework. I met with their teachers. I’d be the authority figure until mom came home from work. I was always the responsible one. Nobody ever had to worry about me. But now I’m twenty and my whole life has been about my little brothers. I’ve never really felt the security to figure myself out. But today is orientation at my new college. I just finished meeting with my advisor. There are so many clubs and organizations that I can join. I want to meet a lot of different people. I want to be more outspoken. I feel like this is my chance to learn who I am.”
6-15-18
Humans of New York
“Obama had been president for six days. The old timers in the twelve-step program tell you to associate the memory with something—so that’s how I remember it. The weather was just like this, even though it was November. It was sixtyish degrees. I was sitting on a stoop, having my morning beer and cigarette, and feeling disgusted with myself. I was wheezing so bad that it felt like I’d swallowed a whistle. And I had this moment of clarity. I knew I was done. So I took a couple more swigs, threw the pack of Newports into traffic, and walked over to Project Renewal on 3rd Street. I’ll be ten years sober if I can make it until November 10th. That was my day. And it still is my day. Even if I fail, I’ll remember that on that day I succeeded. And if I did it then, I can do it again.”
[This was my birthday. I studied, bought myself a breakfast burrito, went on a walk through some woods, and spent a good amount of time crying in my room. I viewed my situation as a tragedy. -2/22/20]
...
6-21-18
Humans of New York
“I’m writing a Grandma Noir. The premise is this: a lady comes to an old person’s home, but nobody likes her. Suddenly she turns up dead and our protagonist Helen has to solve the mystery. There’s a motorized wheelchair chase. There’s a Viagra orgy. There’s a villain who’s faking Alzheimer’s while masterminding a pill-trading operation. It’s got everything. I sent the book to a bunch of agents. I got a nibble from one of them. She told me that she made it to page 100 before quitting, so I figure I’m on the right track.”
[I had confirmed that I was going to move to Raelynn's house, who uses a motorized wheelchair. [She is older.] I was very stressed about going there. -12/7/18]
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Humans of New York
Page Liked • July 2 •
“I came to it late in life. I was already in college. We were playing a dice game in the back of a bar and my character transformed into a lion. I’ve been hooked ever since. Now I’m part of a huge role-playing community, and next week I’m going to a three-day event in Pennsylvania. Basically it’s a bunch of people getting together and pretending to be something we’re not. It’s the bonding that’s most important. The hobby is great, but you always spend more time talking then doing the hobby itself. We’re building a shared history. And each time we meet there’s more to reminisce about. It can be hard to meet people when you’re older, but I’ve made hundreds of friends in the community. When my dad got sick recently, I asked for ‘spells, prayers, and cat videos.’ The post had 111 comments and 94 emoticons.”
[12/7/18 - one thing I heard before this was posted was Harold Repitanski on the front porch saying how much he hates recruiters, because they get into your network and then get into their network and so on. Later he was on the phone talking to someone, saying repeatedly and emphatically that there was no way, and I don't remember exactly what he said but it was sort of in code like 'Elvis has left the building'.][It was clear to Harold that I did not want to be recruited. He described what the FBI does to innocent communities. The way he spoke on the phone it was like he was trying to convince someone that I wasn't going to sign up. This subsequent entry is like Andrews trying to convince me I would like to be a part of the "community." He describes role playing, which is what agents do. It is pretty sad to see him characterize a machine that churns human souls and makes free people into slaves body and soul as something with nice perks like water cooler talk. His "not getting it" when it comes to "no" is also familiar to me with other narcissists. -2/22/20]
Yes please stand up for Sex Workers around the world, we are often ignored. Shout-out to all the girls in my city, the Melbourne Escorts doing their best to survive and also keeping many clients satisfied.
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