From January 2017. Was this really a year and three months ago? I was sorting my emails and I ran across this one. I'm thinking its metaphorical, not just what I wrote to this friend but something that applies in other ways and to other people as well. Sharing it in the effort of triggering healing for current issues and Contact.
? As I am sitting here I'm smelling lilac flowers! I don't have any lilac flowers around me, close enough for me to smell them. But I did see an amazing lilac bush in town for sale at a local greenhouse a couple of weeks ago and I seriously thought about buying it. (I wonder, are they deer resistant or will the deer gobble them up? - I will have to research). Alas, my budget didn't work for it at the time though. I'd still like to find a way. Also the one time I had a lilac bush was at my house in Whitefish, Montana near Glacier National Park. I loved it, how you could smell those blooms for months in the early summer and how the smell was so fragrant it would fill the house when the doors and windows were open.
Its just another piece of the whole picture. If you are curious there is a lot more related stuff on my feed - my Indigo story.
Email Letter: January 4, 2017
"I had some interesting visions last night and a strange experience yesterday I wanted to share. I am also feeling your ego, resentment and hatred of me right now. Triggering my own rage out of my mind, pretty much. It is very hard sometimes to tell just who my friends are and who they aren't. Sorting the good guys from the bad. Sometimes I feel totally connected to strange things.
Then I had a vision during the night. A couple of them.
The first one was a room full of powerful men in business suits. I was seeing only their ties and white shirts under their sports coats in the blackness, but also faces floating above some of them. The only one I recognized was Donald Trump. Then there was a vision of a purple heart. Like one of those medals.
So I think they were talking about or having a meeting of some kind over me and my history. Which was such a coincidence based on my last letter or two, it makes me think that 'new' intel people could be reading my emails. Good or bad. I WANT this. Good people in power to reach out and help me.
But all of it is speculation, what it means. I have no proof and I guess most of the time. Like I've said its like playing charades with my own subconscious, hit or miss. I think I am a very good guesser most of the time. But my paranoia right now goes very deep and that changes my accuracy.
So I want to address my anger at you.
What I am feeling right now. Defensiveness and male ego - yours. You honestly, do not know me well enough to judge me. HONESTLY. But you think you do. Something is displaced. You have NEVER dealt with me face to face (with me being consciously present anyway) and you judged me from the beginning wrongfully. That thing about you thinking I betrayed you and also you thinking I understand and have even been able to receive your love. When I don't get it at all. Or like, I am a dirty secret. Or like I have some problem and just don't appreciate how wonderful you are, maybe like you are too good for me and I don't deserve you. When I really, really do. Or appreciate the person you could be, with me, without all the defensiveness and insecurity that rears its ugly head because the issue never gets addressed or resolved. To where you really understand (me) and my heart... only the lies and projections that have been made and blindly accepted for so long. And if that's what I have to look forward to, it makes me really unhappy.
About problem issues between people that need to be together, that affect the relationship in a negative way. I've DONE my homework and self healing. I dive in to my shit and work with it and heal it and take responsibility. And probably for far more than my fair share.
I am sick to death of being treated like a non person. Like an alien. Like, I am not even a human being in some peoples' eyes. If you and others are so damn superior, then what the fuck do you need me for? Like I said, I HATE being indispensable to the wrong people.
Also that thing about you being afraid to dive in because I am or was so scary and mysterious. That hurts somewhat. I am a human being, first and foremost. Like other people. At least I WAS, all of my life until after all of this psychic work started happening at about 30 years of age. All you have to do is, get grounded in your own humanity and comfort zones, to feel mine. Its called empathy.
When I have doubts about you, its practical reality that hits home. This place where I have always deluded myself with others too. Practical reality. You never talk to me. As you. When you do it is rarely friendly, mostly curt and defensive. You so rarely give me anything real or measurable. And me, stupid... I hang on every (rare) kind word or like on Facebook. This feeling of your irritation with me, looking down at me and feeling superior and defensive ... this is familiar and it hurts to feel. Also there's that chimera issue and things you've done in the past, to me. I may not be aware of all of it, or mostly maybe that's me not wanting to face it and also letting you off the hook. What I have been doing with everyone because they all act as if they are children who can't cope with responsibility for their own actions and have to be protected from consequences they have earned, which in many cases would kill them. Astrologer I watched recently (Not DLP) said its time to grow up. Or step up. In 2017.
Here I am...shooting off my mouth.
Male ego has to punish me for it, right? Original Sin.
I would think that a real relationship is based on trust and not denial. I would think, like I did with my husband, that you would rather hear my opinions rather than just me telling you what you want to hear. That you would rather have me as a real person and not some chick, sucking up to you and your ego and shaking my boobs in your face and making you feel "special" and have it be fake. Yeah, you are special to me and when I have expressed it it has been real. But the flip side of it is, you better care about my feelings and opinions and if I can't speak my mind when it is important and have you understand, then real intimacy and friendship will never work. And that goes both ways but I shouldn't have to tell you that.
My husband is lying to me about something big. Or just not telling me. Probably what started me off on all of this rage this morning. He is not to be trusted!! I had a vision of a donkey with huge ears facing me two nights ago and I heard audibly, "stubborn ass" - knowing it was (describing) him. Saturn in its ruling sign of Capricorn in the 8th house of secrets. Stubborn? How about anchored. You have no idea. He was a plant in my life from the beginning. Been paid millions of dollars to babysit me that he's hidden, while he pretends to be so poor that we can't afford propane to heat the house. Or medical or dental care for his kids or himself (or me) - any of us. Or cover car repairs. (So why, so he can be all alone with his money??!) Fucking LIAR!!
I also had one day when I got the message to get the fuck out of here or I was going to be in big trouble, as in, snatched. Not just here either, there have been several other times. AN at his gallery... there was a set up there when I went to get my art out and leave his co op. There were two parties I was invited to this summer and there were set ups there, and I still get warnings to be careful. But that one day when I left the house, I took the truck (because my car wasn't running - could not get it fixed for months because of my husband's denial) and I sat in the parking lot of a local park and bawled my eyes out in terror for half the day until it was finally safe to go back. I begged you to come get me. Later I was thinking it was an overreaction and stupid. But when I asked cards about it they said if I hadn't left I would be DEAD now.
But these people, whoever they are or were... intel/spies/plants, whatever. I KNOW they have been in constant contact with my husband. He goes to meetings with land owners over environmental work and contracts and most of the time there is something else going on. I get huge warnings. Last time I moved it I found a group of older men as part of one of these groups that are serviced by my husband's non profit and they all wanted a piece of the pie. As in, me. As in posse or vigil ante and their bounty. This was after I drove home one day and half of them were camped out in their trucks by the mailbox and I asked, what was up. As in, somehow tied up with tying me up and hurting me to fulfill someone in power's agenda and I do not think it is Donald Trump. That was recent.
Oh the drama.
So I figure, he (my husband) is still the focus. For whatever they are thinking regarding me. I think someone (new?) is talking to him over the internet or on his cell phone or both and I do not trust him. He is not telling me whatever it is and probably pretending (to them) that he HAS told me while lying and perhaps insisting that I am uncooperative. I figure you fit in to all of this somehow and you'd better be trustworthy. If you have not addressed your betrayal of me in the past its going to bite you (and me) in the ass and I cannot tell. You are so closed. Probably proud of it too. I am sure you were my handler in Salida. I don't want to be "handled" any more. Handled as if I am a non person and my own will does not matter in terms of what I agree to or don't agree to. Or even what I am allowed to or forced to feel, that is or isn't mine. My betrayal of you wasn't even real. Ever. It was all based on lies and tricks and misunderstandings and abuse and damage that warped my perception (and yours). You know this!
Any chance those feelings in you, the ones I feel - your defensive and mean self, are actually, your self cruelty and attempts to be humble? But the twin connection winds up working against ME, in your place for these feelings? Because I am wired inside you just like you are wired inside me. How does that make you feel? What if all the self hatred in twins winds up hating the twin instead? Is that what you want me to think or feel? Another reason for the importance of self love which is NOT ego!
The constant humiliation and abuse. My husband tones it down now but he's always there to pull the rug out from under me and pretend he supports me when he is just waiting and hoping for something bad to happen to me. Support that is total neutrality and non interference. Not concern or even kindness.
He is a narcissist, that's my youngest son. He tells me he has no problem with respect because he is joining the Marines. Sad that this is his sacred measure!!! The war machine. Yet I figure its his only hope at this point. Also my daughter and my husband. And my mother. Narcissists. Do you know the term 'gaslighting?' If you don't, look it up. Seriously. THAT is the construct of the majority of my reality these days, what people close to me reflect to me. If I am crazy, this is why. Then I remember that avatar of yours. Jean Luc Piccard, being irritated, holding your head. And the Tick. Ticked off. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me. That I am so stupid for not knowing or understanding things you've kept hidden. Still don't. When you tried to reach out and I had no idea what was going on. How it all served you in the end. Was that how you got out of it? What you told yourself? Bummer. Gee. You didn't have to worry about me after all. Convenient.
So lets see what happens here. Are you going to get defensive and pissed off or are you going to understand? I am tired of hurting so much. This morning when I woke up all of this was just sitting there. I resisted but the tears were so big I was caught in a couple of whole body convulsions. Big sobs. Huge tears rolling out my eyes despite me squashing these feelings down so I don't cry and flip reality again. But if I am lucky and I deal with it, I will be over it soon. Rather than me holding a grudge and staying in the emotional trap where I am now.
I might be fucking things up here, by expressing all of this. But if that's the case then it isn't real and nothing matters anyway. Consider it a test maybe.
I would way rather see YOU in this position of liason. Negotiator of my future. Not my husband. That is what I was expecting, all along. So if anyone is listening. Is that what you meant by The Lovers card? Make a choice? You should already know this one."
LR 4/18/2018
Oh my gosh!! THEY ARE deer resistant!!
From Google:
"Lilacs are considered deer-resistant, however, meaning that unless the deer in your area are feeling pressure from a lack of available food, chances are they will pass lilacs up in favor of other, more appealing plants. Supposedly, plants like catmint, lavender, thyme, sage and rosemary are also repulsive to deer. Mar 27, 2018."