寻根情思 // The Hunt for an (National) Identity

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// Note: Scroll Down for the English Version

回想2012年，我在人民日报海外版上发表了一篇小文章《寻根情思》，谈到了自己归宿感的问题，我是中国人吗？

文章中我最后一段写到 “我似乎明白了一件事，我不再为自己的归属而困惑，我觉得归属跟“家”有很大的关系。我的父母和亲属都是中国人，我自然也是中国人，我的根在中国。”，但这并非是我真实的感受，只是别人告诉我中文文章应该这么写。其实那时我根本就没有所谓的归宿感。在德国长大，但又是亚洲面孔，经常会感到有些矛盾。

刚到德国就上了幼儿园，但自己感觉很害怕，因为语言不通，性格上又比较内向，我几乎有一年的时间在幼儿园都没怎么说话。当时父母和老师都很着急，他们想了很多办法来帮助我。有一天玩电动游戏时，我开口说了第一句德语 – ‘Scheiße’ （他妈的），从此就一发不可收拾，源源不断的德语从我嘴里冒出。

上小学后，生活习惯越来越德国化，加上周围的小朋友并不怎么理解或接受中国的东西，我自己也越来越排斥中国习惯。有时候父母给我带的饭，我都不好意思拿出来，甚至有一段时间我拒绝使用筷子，只用刀叉。

上中学后，随着年龄的增大以及父母的影响，自己思想上似乎有了一些变化。对中国语言文化又开始有了一些兴趣。觉得和父母说中文，旁边的人都听不懂，是件很酷的事。为了提高自己的中文水平，我开始刻意去了解中国文化，看了很多中文小说，还加入了很多网上的中文论坛，发现中国和西方的网络文化差别很大。

现在即将大学毕业的我，对于自己的身份与归属感已经不再困惑。我觉得没有必要把自己归属与某一类，身份可以是多重的，我可以是德国人，也可以是中国人，但我觉得自己实际上是网络人。网络陪伴着我长大，我的英语基本上就是网上学的，导致很多时候我都会用英语思考问题。

网络是联通的，文化是兼容的，世界是国际化的，人不应该把自己框定在某一范围内。

我很开心进入Steemit世界，希望与各位朋友共同进步。

Back in 2012, the international version of the People.cn Newspaper (人民日报·海外版) published a short essay that I submitted, in which I discussed my feelings towards national identity, or, the way my teenage-self understood the topic: Do I feel Chinese? (see screenshot above)

To give you a bit of a background: I am ethnically Chinese and moved to Germany when I was around 4-5 years old. Visiting the German kindergarten felt extremely alienating and scary at the same time. I was a very quiet child, and not understanding a single German word led to me not even attempt to speak German for my first whole year in Germany. The first word I said out loud (according to my mom) was when I was playing Nintendo and frustratingly shouted “Scheiße” (engl. = “Shit!”) at a green-hooded guy trying to rescue a princess who always gets herself kidnapped. It was my mom who, after that incident, encouraged me to actually speak more German. That’s when I started talking more in German, and started embracing German culture.

During elementary school, I saw myself more and more as a German and started to refuse my Chinese heritage. The food that I brought to school looked weird to the other kids, so I stopped eating the foods my parents prepared, because I was ashamed of it. I even refused to use chopsticks and only used forks and knives for a long time, even at home.

In that essay above, I started off with summarizing how strangely uncomfortable I felt the second time I revisited China, especially after many years of growing up in Germany and getting accustomed to German culture. All the people, all the action, as a ‘German’ (as I would’ve called myself at the time): a brand new world.

Now, as hypocritical as it sounds, I ended that essay with the last paragraph stating that since my parents are Chinese and I grew up in a Chinese household, I will always be and feel Chinese. Note here, that I wrote this not because I intended to do so, but because I was told that this is how Chinese Essays should be written, especially when talking about my feelings towards China and Chinese culture.

In middle school, I regained interest in speaking and learning Chinese. It felt like a secret language only I and certain members can share and one that no one else would understand (there weren’t that many Chinese people in Germany back in those days). In High School, I started reading Chinese books, and eventually getting better at it, so much so, that I started doing translation work for some minor income. I also started to become very active in the Sphere beyond the Great Firewall, the Chinese Web, which seemed like a world of its own (and still is).

Now looking back at it, just before graduating Uni, I realize that it has always been a juggling act for me – how much of myself am I willing to keep, and how much should I erase? This was the automatic cognitive response I had, when people asked me about where I come from, especially when asked in English. If I told them I was Chinese, people would often times assume that I am an ABC (American Born Chinese). Telling them I’m German just resulted in weird looks.

The good thing about growing up in two cultures, is that you get to choose which one you like the most depending on the situation and/or your mood. Sometimes I’d tell people I’m German, sometimes I’d tell them I’m Chinese, and sometimes, I would easily convince them of my Japanese heritage and my Vietnamese Grandparents.

However, if you genuinely asked me about my culture, I’d say I grew up in Internet Culture.

This is the place where I learned English, and quite frankly, gained most of my knowledge. The Internet is what shaped most of my thinking, through always encountering so many different perspectives, and even now, the primary language I think in, is English, my third language.

The idea of categorizing oneself into a predefined set identity – be it a ‘national’ one or not – always seemed very strange to me and I could never come to terms with it. It feels like a limitation – one that I have intensely experienced growing up through repeated trials and tribulations: refusing one part of myself whilst accepting the other, or the other way around.

It feels liberating, accepting that you do not fit into a certain category, and that at the same time, you can fit into it many different ones. That’s what charmed me into the World Wide Web even in its earlier stages when AOL-messaging was a thing (maybe it still is?) – it seemed to be the perfect place to explore this idea.

I don’t like portraying myself with certain set aspects, as I firmly believe, that what underlies personality and character, is a concept of growth, one that changes through time and adapts to different environments.

Having worked as a translator for some time now, in various forms of different side jobs, it has become clear to me, that bridging the gap between two or more cultures that seem completely opposite to one another is a difficult thing to do, but not impossible.

My aim here, is to take you with me - on a journey to better understand different dimensions and versions of reality outside of your own ones, as I am switching from one world to the other (be it physical or virtual worlds). I’d like to highlight the different perspectives I find myself in, while experiencing the transitory state of adapting to all kinds of environments.

I hope that you’ll learn about who I am or what I do through my thinking process, and not by me explicitly telling you what I want you to think of me.

a little preview