Part 1

Part 2

So, yeah, basically i think i'm a slightly loose nut. Not quite the same as everyone else, but not mental enough to be committed.
But this i have learned/assumed is all relative. Nobody knows what normal is. What is normal to one person is outright crazy to another. There is no normal, there is just perception of normal. Throughout my life, in my many attempts to "fit in" as we moved from town to town, i have been many different types of normal.
Some of the traits from each kind of normal have stayed with me and become part of my personality, and some just seem outright stupid looking back.
For example, one town i moved to, everyone thought they were tough as nails. They acted it, they talked it, but nobody ever seemed to display it. It was all body language and bravado. So i mimicked this in my attempt to fit in. An 11 year old skinny short kid, acting and talking as though i was a world champion MMA fighter. Quite lucky i never had to "Step up", I had never been in a fight before then, so wouldn't have known what to do. Thinking back and seeing myself in my memories, i cant help but laugh at how stupid the whole place seemed. But at that time, in that place, it seemed "Normal".
One good thing that i brought from that stage in life, was my understanding of how important body language is. Although i didn't realise this for a few more years.

One of the downsides of my life of "Trying to fit in", is that after a while, pretending becomes natural, like second nature. Every day i pretend to be confident, every day i pretend that i'm interested in the conversations people have with me. Every day i smile at the shopkeeper, the bus driver, the security guard. Even though, every day i become a little more empty inside.

I have never really understood emotions, so I've never really payed any attention to them. I can pretend to have them, and remarkably convincingly. I pretend to cry when i have something to gain form it. I pretend to be happy when im around other people, so that they don't start a conversation about why i'm not happy. I pretend to be upset/angry when someone insults me, even though i really don't care.

The only emotion i am certain that i know is anger.
As i have never really grasped the usefulness of emotion, when i do (or think i do) feel something, i generally keep it to myself. I had some very intense, usually very private anger issues for most of my childhood. 5 siblings all fighting over each others stuff ALL THE TIME will do that to you. I would often go out to the garden and punch the grass, or go to the middle of a field and just scream until it felt better. I have usually always been in control of it though, mostly pretending i'm not angry, and ignoring it until it goes away. But every now and then, i will feel this anger resurfacing. For a while it was concerning, i had been ignoring my anger for so long, that i didn't know what would happen if i lost focus one day and it came out. So i looked for ways to vent without actually venting.
This has since become known as one of my "Quirks".

I realised that if i get annoyed at things that shouldn't really annoy anyone, (like the stupidity in adverts) people see this as funny, and i get to vent a little.
For example, a little while ago there was an advert for a new car, or SUV or something. The advert had the vehicle pulling up to a city street, then a guy set up a canoe on wheels next to the car. They then raced downhill round the city streets, taking corner after corner, before they got out the vehicle (and the canoe) and looked pleased with themselves. I think the tagline was "Built for the city" or something stupid like that. All i could think was, they're advertising this car as being fantastic, based on the fact that it can corner like a canoe strapped to a skateboard... That's nothing to brag about, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair can do that.
Now i can get all "Upset" at the advert, go a little but red in the face, have a little chuckle at the end of it, I get to vent, those around me get amused. Win Win.

A major downside of going through life pretending, is the disconnection. I didn't cry when my father, grandmother or granddad died. Not because i didn't like them, or didn't miss them. Quite the opposite. My father was the solid object that i was anchored to. No matter how tough life seemed to be, i thought about how much he sacrificed, how hard he worked, how long he worked, and how very little he had left to show for it after everything was payed for and we were all looked after. Nothing i was going through seemed that hard when i thought about him. He did it every day of his life, with a smile on his face, and a laugh in his throat.
It was almost as if, maybe, he was pretending.
I knew he was always tired, i knew he was always dreading going back to work, i knew he should have been constantly miserable, but my strongest memories of him are the happy ones.
I missed them all, but i couldn't cry, not really. I shed a tear or two when family members arrived for the funeral of my father, but only so they would think i was "Normal". After the initial greeting, it was solemn face for the rest of the day. I was truly disconnected, i knew what i was supposed to be feeling, but just couldnt.

Not that long ago, i had been that used to the "feeling" of disconnect (pardon the pun), that i didnt realise i had become depressed and a borderline alcoholic. It wasn't until i had lost my home, my job, and my fiancee (all within a month) that i realised something was wrong with me.
I have rarely been to a doctor, and i dont take medication for anything, not even a headache. So i decided to fix myself.
I had gradually been drinking more and more over the years in some attempt to bring out some emotions, lets face it, we all get emotional when we drink. We just don't get to choose what emotions come out. I hadn't realised exactly how much i was drinking until i looked back at myself. I had been so caught up in myself, that i was coming home drunk every night, going to work hungover/still drunk the next morning. I looked back at myself, i imagined meeting myself, and i asked "Would i like me if i met me?"
My answer was no. I had become the man that my father managed to hide. I had become a tired, moody, obnoxious alcoholic. Something had to change.
I worked on myself over the next year, changing myself into the type of person that i would want to be friends with. I found out how to be happy, or at least how to convince myself that i was happy. I started taking care of myself, drinking less, going out of my way/comfort zone to talk to people. On the whole, it was a success.

I changed my job, my fiancee saw how much better i was doing and gave me another chance (We're now married with a beautiful daughter), she understands my issues with emotions (or lack of) and she helps me whenever i need it.

Just writing this down, i realise how much we actually all pretend. From school kids trying to impress each other, or get the girl. To adults trying to seem confident and friendly when we're really just as lost and anti-social as each other.

We spend our whole lives pretending to be happy in front of others, even when bills are crippling and our jobs are killing us.
People take medication to make them feel happy, medication to help them relax, medication to keep them awake. People are medicating their way into feelings.

I have never actually given this much thought to it, but im starting to feel a bit better about myself.
I have made a LOT of mistakes in life, but i like to believe i have learned from them.

I am more in control of myself than most people, i am (i believe) happy.
If nothing else, i have a lot of memories that i can relive to make myself laugh. (like the year i dressed as if i were the short skinny white 50 cent. Seriously.)

Thanks for listening to my story.
Not entirely sure if that's what this place is looking for, but its what you've got.

Billy.