Last year I was alone in my house snorting piles of cocaine. This year it's piles of crypto...

My name is Luke. and this is a journal entry I made early last year.

Last night I got held up at gunpoint in Detroit trying to buy cocaine.. What the fuck am I doing? Part of me wishes they had just pulled the trigger. I feel so depressed and so alone. Not even the drugs excite me anymore and I don’t know what to do. I’m confused... There is so much pressure to be something, though I have no clue what that is. I just want to live everyday with good decisions. But these vague expectations I hold for myself don’t seem to get me anywhere. I do know sobriety is the one thing I should truly work on. I sink to such dark places when I self medicate. I doubt hard work and direction will fall in my lap, though I suspect sobriety and routine to be a good starting point. I’ve been in this place so many times. I’ve picked myself up so many times… People love me and worry about me and that’s even more of a burden. I want to be alright.. I’m going to get back up. You’ll see. in the coming pages my life will turn around. God willing seven pages from now I’ll be happy.

7 pages later…

The thing about being sober is you can take 30 minute naps and they really recharge you!
I’ve been so good and only getting better!
I’m grateful and feeling hopeful beyond words…

You get the point. Well, at least the first point. I got sober and have been for a year now!

Now trust me the following journal entries post-sobriety aren’t all roses. That was simply the beginning.

I was then forced to face myself and my demons, find a semblance of humility, develop discipline and patience. All in hopes of a lasting change from the inside out. Those are my fundamentals. They’re principles I work on everyday, what I apply to every challenge and will hopefully give value to my narrative.

With a new and sober lifestyle I proceeded to pour my time and effort into physical health and order.

I lost over thirty pound implementing a plant-based diet, a solid yoga practice, calisthenics, and a daily meditation.

I quit smoking, I payed off all my debts and put order to my finances. I got a new lease on life and experienced real change deep down.

While my mother couldn’t be more proud, I still to this day maintain what I think to be, a healthy margin between where I am and where I want to be.

Like a lot of young Americans I always had big dreams. I was blessed with a lot of raw talent. A lot of stuff came easy to me.. except discipline, consistency and follow through.

I’ve always had a problem with wanting more while failing to recognize what I have and what I actually need.

So here I am on Steemit with the intentions of challenging myself. I'm here partly to realize the fact I have everything I need right in front of me to take the next steps.

This post is a huge step for me. It’s really hard! I’ve never been a blogger, nor have I ever thought myself to be a writer. I've never put my thoughts in black and white to be read by strangers.. Shit, I don’t even have a twitter account!

I initially found myself here as I’m sure many of you via the cryptocurrency craze. During the past couple months as I navigate this unorthodox new asset class, I’ve had mostly money on my mind. My days have been filled venturing down Youtube rabbit holes and a preoccupation with the next hot coin.

Somewhere along the line, my simple effective practice of discipline, patience and humility was hijacked by the obsession of future money. If I got up to pee in the middle of the night, I was checking Coinmarketcap.

I started talking about my investments saying half baked stuff like “Cryptocurrencies are the future and I’m investing in the technology because I believe in it and.. blah blah blah bulshit!.”

That’s not to say I don’t believe in the technology.

I just have to be honest with myself and face the fact that: I’m a hopeful speculator with a pipe dream that one day my investments will give me the life I've always wanted.

The key delusion here is the life I always wanted.

What do I want?

As I’ve alluded to earlier, wanting without direction has always led me to misery.

Buying coins and hoping the price goes up is not my idea of direction. Even if I became a multi-millionaire in the process I can't imagine I would be fulfilled.

Warren Buffet's long time business partner Charles Munger once said:

“To get what you want, you have to deserve what you want. The world is not yet a crazy enough place to reward a whole bunch of
undeserving people.”

Well shit..Maybe the world just turned crazy enough. Cause I can't imagine the majority of folks speculating on bitcoin and other alts deserve 20% let alone 1000%.

I'll admit I've been really lucky with the money I've put in... It's kind of hard not to win with this bull. But I sure as hell didn't do anything to earn it. I din't put in hours developing anything let alone even understand the concept of the blockchain when I made my initial purchase on Coinbase.

Up until now, the extent of my involvement has been essentially gambling… And with my addictive disposition I once again found myself obsessed and miserable. .

Call me crazy, but I know in my heart it's time to sell most of my holdings. I'm not saying anything about the markets or where I think they're headed, cause frankly I don't know. I just know I can't put a price on my own well-being. I can't find peace in the presence of greed.

I believe the blockchain is the future and I want to be a part of it.. Just in a healthy way...

When I came across steemit, I had the realization that if I want to be involved in blockchain, this platform is the perfect opportunity to do so. I doubt it'll be as easy as throwing money around, but I sure as hell know it'll be far more satisfying.

So to answer the question I've been dancing around this entire post.. What Do I Want?

I want to be creative. I want to be a part of a community… Something bigger than myself. I want good habits that help me follow through on the micro achievements that inevitably lead to the macro ones. That's what I want.

For the souls joy is in doing the next right thing. And that my friends is why I’m here.

This post to me is the next right thing.

Thanks so much for reading and I look forward to sharing the future together!