Hi everyone, I'm an addict.

Sometimes drugs, sometimes things other than drugs, not really alcohol, though I enjoy a social drink.  I live a mostly normal life, wife, family, a well-paying job, car, mortgage etc.  However, there is a piece of myself that I do my absolute best to hide from those around me.  Friends, family, subordinates, even my dog.

Though my addictions can be traced back through numerous times in my life, my only true realization of that cyclical pattern of behavior happened around 12 years ago.  I had a spine injury - a result of what I now consider to have been another addiction.  Having undergone months of physiotherapy, X-Rays, MRIs, surgical consultations, acupuncture, and several over-the-counter painkillers.  I looked to my GP for chemical relief.  My GP prescribed me Co-Codamol - 500/30mg Paracetamol/Codeine Phosphate.  2 tablets, up to 4 times daily. 

It felt good to have some relief, and I found that warm opiate feeling quite pleasant.  My tolerance quickly grew, and after a few months, I found that 60mg of codeine was both ineffective at masking my pain, or giving me that warm feeling that both made my day a little brighter and sleeping at night a little easier.  

Duping my Doctor

I went back to my GP and explained that I was unhappy with taking so much paracetamol and that only the codeine was effective.  My GP agreed to prescribe only 30mg Codeine Phosphate tablets and advised that I could take paracetamol separately if I needed to.  I just wanted more codeine and I got it, he even gave me several re-fills without the need for a consultation.  I kept my prescribed dose at 60mg, but I was also able to buy 500/12.5mg paracetamol over the counter at any local pharmacist and therefore regaining my previously attained "Quality of Life".

Cycling Pharmacies

As with many drugs, tolerances quickly increase, and so did my body's tolerance to codeine.  So adding an additional medicine - this time a pair of 200/12.5mg Ibuprofen/Codeine tablets, also available from any local pharmacist.  

On a daily basis I was taking 4000mg Paracetamol, 800mg Ibuprofen and 440mg Codeine.  Often using Google Map's handy feature that allowing you to find pharmacies local to you, I found myself visiting several different pharmacies at home, near work, sometimes further afield, and stockpiling the OTC drugs.

Even with all the expense and effort I was going to, I managed to keep this a secret.  With the steady incline of my tolerance to codeine, there had been no real change in my ability to perform well at my job, drive, speak or concentrate.  What had changed about me was that I was constantly visiting pharmacies, taking large amounts of prescription and OTC drugs, and chasing the excuse of an improved "Quality of Life".  

Clarity

Many moons had past since 440mg of Codeine was my daily dose, and it had been increased closer to 660mg - with the majority of the dose taken at the start of the day so that the "hit" was more efficient and the other doses were just to maintain "comfort".  

The true realization that I had such a horrendous dependency on this substance, the deception, the efforts I was going to and the addiction I had developed came to fruition on an Easter weekend.   I had exhausted the last of my prescription re-fills, unable to see a doctor to get another prescription.  I was tired of going to pharmacies.  I'd had enough.

I could get through the coming weekend just on the OTC drugs, but I had no appetite for it anymore.  I had made several feeble attempts to stop previously, but having such easy access to the drugs just landed me back in the same cycle.  

My wife had several friends coming over for the weekend.  I love spending time with those girls - they're great fun, inclusive of boys (even the single ones), but I saw an opportunity.  

Ever see the film Trainspotting..?

That's what I was expecting cold turkey withdrawal to be like, though I'm not a Heroin addict, Scottish or called Renton.  

I told my wife I was going to see a friend for the weekend, so they could all talk girl-stuff without me there and I checked myself into a hotel not far from home for two nights with early check-in and late check-out.  The sort of hotel that has comfortable beds, blackout curtains and a TV, but doesn't cost a lot of money.

I pictured myself being bed-bound, unable to do anything for myself while my confused body punished itself for making such a drastic change to its usual chemistry.  

Babies on the Ceiling

Nope.  No babies on the ceiling.  No hallucinations at all.  Just:

• Pain - everywhere.  Especially in my spine, but every inch of my skin, every hair and tooth throbbed and burned in wave after wave of pain. 
• Sweat.  There was no point wearing clothes, otherwise they'd be sodden and I'd need to change every 30 minutes. 
• Number 2.  Lot's of it.
• Feelings of helplessness and urges to give up and google the nearest Pharmacy.  I could drive.  

How I coped:

• Bottled water.  Knowing what to expect, I took several litres of supermarket-bought water with me.
• Loperamide (Diacalm).  Sometimes it's better out than in, but this isn't a case of food poisoning.  This was a crutch I had with me for when I knew I couldn't handle being on a toilet any more.
• Electrolytes.  Hopefully for obvious reasons.
• A bag of honey roast cashew nuts.  

I kept the room dark for the majority of the time, and I didn't want to be disturbed by housekeeping, so kept the "Do not disturb" sign on the door handle.  I could barely move for the first day or night, except for staggering from the bed to the toilet, to the shower, to the toilet, to the shower.  I only left the hotel for fresh air in the middle of the second night.  If I'd left the room during the day, I'd end up in a pharmacy.

The honey roast cashews were just there to stave off any hunger, though I barely ate any.  

A shower is essential.  Hot, cold, lukewarm - you're never comfortable with any setting, but sitting in a bathtub, having the water running over your head, your aching neck and shoulders, your injured spine (that you realize is still constant source of pain), it helps.  The noise over your ringing ears, the steam clearing your runny nose.  It's the most therapeutic coping mechanism for withdrawals that I've found that doesn't end in "azapam".

Checking Out

There's a reason why rehabilitation centers keep patients on-site for several weeks.  It doesn't take 3 days to recover from an addiction that developed over several years.  

I stayed in the hotel for as long as I was allowed, milking every single penny I'd paid through their medium-quality shower head.  I got dressed, and had a quick look in the mirror before I left the room.  I looked awful - sleep deprived, dripping with fresh layer of sweat, and most of all - like a drug addict going through withdrawals.

Other than my actual injury, the worst of the pain had passed.  My head, though throbbing - was clear and it was time to go home.  When I arrived, my wife asked if I'd had a heavy night out - looking like I was suffering a terrible hangover.  I came clean and told her that I'd spent the weekend in a hotel room withdrawing from painkillers.  I couldn't tell her about the extent to which I'd become addicted to painkillers, I know I should have, but the shame of addiction held me back.

I warned her I was probably going to sleep poorly for the next few days.  The days turned into weeks, but gradually I began to fall asleep more easily, and stayed asleep for longer periods.  I was clean.

I'm still an Addict.

I always will be.  Unfortunately, it's a part of my character that has been with me from a young age.  In a relatively anonymous environment like this, I still feel ashamed sharing this one of many stories I have.  While I may also have taken illicit substances, the worst crime I consider to myself to have committed is deceiving the people that I love.

Addiction is a part of me that reaching out and seeking help could only happen at a time where it would not be disruptive to those around me.  That time may never come, so apart from fighting inner demon on a daily basis, I carry the burden of addiction with me, under my hat - always.

Closing

If you've read this far, then I truly thank you for your time and attention.  I hope this post has given you some insight into how easily a person can become addicted to an easily available substance, if anything.  I wish you the very best in your lives and endeavors.  

I plan to make further posts on the topics of health, coping with addiction and drugs and welcome any questions you might have.