Sovereign Spirit
..One Woman's Path from Shameful Sheep to Spiritual Sovereignty
Chapter Five, Part Two
It seemed like the perfect plan. I was confident in my Biblical knowledge, and felt sure I would be able to easily disprove JW beliefs in no time. After all, I had been going to church since before I was born. It was a no-brainer. I set up a date and time to meet the woman at her home, and lied to my mom about where I was going when the day came. I couldn’t risk her not allowing me to go. This was too important.
I showed up at Anna’s house the day we agreed to meet with my Bible in hand, full of gusto. She’d laid out a book for me which she said we could use to help me learn what Jehovah’s Witnesses believed.
The book was titled, Knowledge That Leads to Everlasting Life. Inside were several chapters, each with a different theme. There were paragraphs on each page, and questions underneath each paragraph. Each question was numbered with the paragraph number where the answer could be found. Several Bible verses were quoted throughout each lesson for reference.
Anna explained that if I really wanted to learn what it was that Jehovah’s Witnesses believed, the best way was to study this book with her, while simultaneously looking up all the scriptures it cited as references to back up the points discussed. She told me I could ask her any question I wanted, and we would find the answer in the Bible.
It wasn’t what I’d expected. In my mind I’d envisioned us meeting one or two times and Anna laying out Jehovah’s Witness beliefs with scriptures and explanations. Instead, what she was suggesting was a several month long study program. I was eager to learn, but knew I’d be moving a couple of hours away in the next two months to go to college. Anna told me it wouldn’t be a problem. She said she could start studying with me then, and when I moved to college, if I still wanted to continue studying, she could find someone in my college town who could study with me. The information would be the same no matter where or with whom I studied, she assured me.
From the start, I was impressed with the unity I found within the JW religion. There were no churches I knew of within a five mile radius of one another which taught exactly the same doctrine. Even within the same church it was hard to find two people who could agree on all the same interpretations of scripture. To see a religion with branches all over the world full of believers who all held onto the exact same theology was shocking. It seemed like the kind of unified belief God would want his followers to exhibit.
I agreed to study with Anna twice a week. I wanted to speed through the book and learn as quickly as I could.
From the very first study session, doubt in my own belief system began to form. I left the first session that summer afternoon, came home, and buried my nose in my Bible and the “Knowledge” book, scouring it with a pen in my hand and a yellow highlighter stuck in my ear, waiting to find any discrepancies or contradictions I could use as evidence for proving Jehovah’s Witnesses’ beliefs were wrong.
There wasn’t much to highlight. In fact, the more I read, the more things started to make sense. That frightened me a little, but I entertained the thought of my belief system possibly being the wrong one. Half of me was horrified by such a notion, as it would mean that my entire life thus far had been a lie. The other half of me felt relief to consider the option because it meant that maybe Steven and I had a chance. I wanted to keep an open mind. I thought if what I believed was really true, it would stand up to any test or scrutiny. I wrote a letter to God, asking him to shield me from lies and to show me the truth, whatever that might be, and promised myself to keep studying with Anna.
Over the next few weeks, I dove head first into the teachings of Jehovah’s Witnesses. With each study, I felt like I was being ripped in two. I was quickly losing faith in the doctrines I’d been raised to believe. My emotional self was the embodiment of the term, “bittersweet.”
I was losing myself and all I knew to be real. On the other hand, I was gaining a very probable future with the person I loved more deeply than I’d ever known was possible. But when it came down to what really mattered, I just wanted to do what God wanted me to. I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to serve the “one, true God.” I wanted to be a part of the “one, true religion.”
When the next month rolled around, and it was time for me to leave for college at UNC Greensboro, two hours away, Anna did as she’d promised and found someone to continue my Bible study there. Her name was Helen, which felt special to me because my grandma shared the same name. She too, would become quite a grandmotherly figure for me in time.
By the time I stepped foot on UNCG’s campus, I had developed serious doubts about the truths of Christianity. Helen would come pick me up once a week for our study. I loved our studies. She always had tea or hot cocoa and cookies waiting for me, and her cozy living room was a lovely break from dorm life. We would go through the lessons just like Anna and I had before, but with Helen it was more like a free-flowing conversation rather than a structured lesson. She shared stories of her own life and struggles with me, and she never made me feel wrong or guilty about anything. Our connection was warm and our bond grew quickly.
During my first (and last) semester at UNC Greensboro, I studied more Watchtower publications than anything else. I had my weekly study with Helen, began attending meetings at the Kingdom Hall on occasion where I met a couple of JWs who went to my school, and had started envisioning what my life might be like as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. In six months, I’d come to the belief that I’d been taught wrong all my life. During my studies, I was unable to back up anything I believed, and everything my JW study conductors were telling me seemed to make sense. It hadn’t taken long at all for me to reach the conclusion that Jehovah’s Witnesses really were the one, true religion.