Sovereign Spirit
..One Woman's Path from Shameful Sheep to Spiritual Sovereignty
Chapter Six, Part One
Life as a newly married twenty-year-old would be a challenge for anyone. What do you know about anything when you’re twenty? Life as a newly married twenty-year-old with zero life experience outside a sheltered, naïve religious perspective on the world, and a host of mental health problems stemming from childhood that had never been acknowledged let alone healed that were making their way to the surface to be known, coupled with someone who has just denounced her faith, left her family, all her friends and every support system she’d ever known, and joined a religious cult … well, let’s just say it was rough.
Honestly, looking back, we really didn’t stand a chance. As fiercely as we loved each other, the odds were stacked to the top, and not in our favor. We were too young to know ourselves for starters, let alone how to function in a day to day relationship. We were both severely sexually repressed, but had no idea. Expectations were far too high. Communication skills far too low. I was suffering from a childhood full of emotional, mental, psychological, and spiritual abuse that I’ve only recently begun to understand, and I believe the same must have been true for Steven though probably in slightly different ways. As we joined our lives, all of these issues rose to the surface, and we had no idea what was wrong or how to begin to fix it.
During our brief five year marriage, what I now know to be codependent tendencies were playing out in many aspects of our relationship. I had been displaying codependent tendencies since I started dating as a teenager, always jumping from one guy to the next, never with much break in between, but of course I had no idea there was anything that wrong with wanting to have boyfriends. If anything, I thought it was just my rebellion against my mother that kept me going from one relationship to the next. I thought it was pretty normal, especially when I compared myself with other girls my age who were engaging in far more extreme levels of typical adolescent behavior than I was. It turns out, I had severe issues with self-love and being alone stemming from the abandonment and dysfunctional family life I experienced in childhood. This resulted in many deep psychological issues, coupled with the emotional scarring I’d endured from my religious upbringing where I was raised to believe that my existence itself automatically equaled sin, making me a murderer of a man I’d never met, and determining my value as a human being null and void.
I also battled with depression, something I’d dealt with silently all my life, but didn’t really know it was a thing with a name or that there was help which could be attained. Now I was married, and had walked away from all family, friends, and other support systems I’d known my entire life because Watchtower said I shouldn’t have “worldly” association. Steven was the only support I had, and he had no idea what he was getting into. Neither did I.
I was often shocked at my own behavior and didn’t even understand what was triggering my breakdowns, much less how to communicate what I needed. When Steven fell through for me emotionally, there was nothing left. It was unrealistic for me to expect him to help hold me up all the time, and I did not know how to emotionally stand on my own two feet. I began to break down often, and he had to bear the brunt. In time, an ugly distance crept in between us. He felt stifled and trapped. I felt rejected and abandoned. It was a horrible, vicious cycle, nothing like the life we thought we were signing up for.
Even if things between us had been perfect, adult life is tough in general, and adult life as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses is packed with things to be busy with, things to be stressed over, things to feel guilty for, more things to be busy with, oh, and more things to be busy with.
The life of a Witness leaves no time for a life. Most JWs don’t go to college as higher education is frowned upon in the organization. So, you’re left working a low-paying full time job just to cover your monthly expenses. You then have three days per week you’re expected to attend meetings. You have your regular Sunday meeting for the Public Talk and Watchtower Study which generally lasts about two hours, and you have two mid-week meetings, one lasting about an hour, and the other lasting about two and a half hours. For all of these meetings you are expected to be fully dressed up in suits or dresses, at your best as far as appearances go, even if you just worked an 8-10 hour day cleaning toilets or installing HVAC units under a crawlspace. You’re also expected to arrive to these meeting early and stay late in order to “encourage the friends” and enjoy “good association.”
A bare minimum of ten hours of Field Service time is required each month unless you want one of the elders to tap on your unsuspecting shoulder and give you “counsel” about your lack of effort for Jehovah’s kingdom. If you are a good JW, you’ll be turning in far more than a meager ten hours of service time at the end of the month, and if you’re super spiritual, you’ll be pioneering. Pioneering was a special title given to those who were committing to at least 70 hours of field service each month, and it was something everyone was encouraged to aspire to.
If you weren’t working or participating in “Theocratic Activities,” well, you’d better be sure to be at home preparing for upcoming theocratic activities. It was recommended that you study the Bible daily, with the aid of one of the Society’s publications of course, (studying the Bible alone was discouraged) study for each meeting beforehand by reading and highlighting the Watchtower materials for said meeting, as well as prepare your presentation for the field ministry work each week and prepare the lesson for any Bible studies if you were lucky enough to have any.
Finding time to build a life or a relationship with the little time left each week after working a full time job and working for Jehovah was nearly impossible. I was constantly exhausted. We’d usually tried to spend time with other JW friends on the weekends, but more often than not I dreaded it because all I really wanted to do was sleep. Trying to fit in with people I barely knew felt more like work, and I was so tired I couldn’t find the energy to enjoy the process of trying to make new friends.
When we did hang out with other JWs our age, I noticed there really wasn’t much difference between Jehovah’s Witnesses and the “worldly” people we were commanded to stay away from. The guys were generally interested in drinking and playing violent video games and the girls were interested in drinking and keeping up with the latest fashion. None of these were things I could get into, and I’ve always been pretty terrible at pretending to be someone I’m not just to fit in social situations. Most of the girls had been friends since they were little, and had a lifetime of memories and inside jokes and all the things that go along with lifetime friendships. I was the outsider, and I was really bad at getting “in” with these new friends. Many of them weren’t people I would normally have formed friendships with anyway; we had little in common. But, as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, you don’t really get the privilege of picking your friends. There aren’t that many people your age to start out with, and you are expected to be friends with the ones who are because, well, they are your brothers and sisters, and the only good association you could possibly have, and because… Jehovah said.
That being said, I do have to say all my association with Jehovah’s Witnesses did not result in a negative experience. They were all generally friendly with me, but I have little patience for surface level friendships; I look for depth and meaning in my relationships, and I couldn’t seem to quite get there with any of the Witnesses. We did take a few camping and backpacking trips which were quite memorable, some of my most favorite times as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses in fact, but my experiences during those times were beautiful mostly because I was surrounded by Nature and exploring our world the way I love to, not necessarily because I made wonderful memories or had meaningful conversation with the Witnesses I was traveling with.
I really missed my old friends, but I think even more I missed my family. Most of my friends from high school had gone on to college and were busy making new friends and new lives. It’s normal not to carry all of your childhood friendships with you the rest of your life. But I really missed being able to see my family. I missed our holiday and birthday celebrations even though I was now convinced they were something no Christian should be involved in, and of course I felt guilty for even missing being a part of them. I have to say, though, the most confusing days were the holidays which I wasn’t allowed to visit my family, but Steven’s family would all get together and we’d have basically the same kind of potluck meal I would have had over at my family’s house, only we didn’t actually say we were celebrating anything. Just a casual potluck dinner with Turkey and mashed potatoes and green bean casserole with the extended family on Thanksgiving. No, no, we’re not celebrating Thanksgiving, we’re just sharing a meal. Don’t worry about it. Jehovah knows our hearts. Oh, does this make your miss your family?
Nah.