I told myself I would share this story after I stopped tutoring/counseling at this charter school in south central L.A. Since that's happened ...
This story is about my birthday, kids and dating. It happened back in May, a few days before my birthday.
I don't make my birthday public. I had no major plans for the day, but I did want to have lunch with this lady who I wanted to get to know better. However, I still had to ask her to lunch (restaurant in Huntington Beach along the coast), and I wasn't sure when to do it. A week before? The day before?
I was set on three days before. That seemed to be good enough. Oh, and this wasn't going to be elaborate. It was just going to be lunch and that's it.
If she said no, I would ask another lady to lunch, and it would continue until I was rejected by every lady ever. Then, I would hang out with one of my brothers in San Diego.
One of the kids I counseled found out my birthday was coming up, so he asked me what I planned to do. I let him know what I wanted to do (I didn't hide anything from the kids about my successes and failures), adding that I wouldn't tell the lady at all it was my birthday, and I didn't want our outing to be about my birthday.
The kid had eyes wide open and asked me to get a sheet of paper and a pen. He was going to give me dating advice.
"This should be fun," I thought to myself. "A teenager giving advice to someone who has been on 1 date in 8 years and none since 2011. No girlfriend since 2003. Let's see how hilarious this is."
The other kids in the counseling session didn't stop him, and I didn't want them to if it came to it. Given how all over the place he was, they knew he was going to say something hilarious.
"OK, you're going to take notes," he said. "I'm going to help you with your date."
I let him know that the date still wasn't set yet, that she still had to say yes (and that I still had to ask), but he was open to giving suggestions.
He began, and I wrote everything down. This is from a 17-year-old kid who, at the time, just celebrated his birthday with his new girlfriend by having her ride on the handlebars of his BMX bike down to Leimert Park and then to a Subway for a sandwich. Teenage dating in 2017.
Everything he told me is in bold (it's also in the pictures). Any notes I have of his points are in italics.
= = =
TWO STEPS OF CONVINCING HER TO HANG OUT
1. When I text her, say "Good morning" with a sun emoji. Wait until she replies.
I have never used emojis and didn't plan to here. Oh, and I wasn't going to wait until the morning to ask, it was going to be that evening.
1a. If she says "Good morning" in the reply, that's good.
1aa. Reply with a blushed emoji and "heyy" (it must have two Y's). Follow up with "How's your morning going so far?" If she says "Good, hows your morning?" then that's good.
We went for about 10 minutes on the use of "hey" vs. "heyy." One of the administrators, who later saw the full notes and laughed, said "heyy" could earn me some extra points. I realized right there I am old and way behind in the texting game if I'm not using emojis and extra letters. That led to the end point of "The key to life is the blushed emoji," at the end of the notes.
1b. If she says "Hey," try harder.
1c. Kill her with kindness
OK, I've been criticized in the past for being TOO kind to women, and now it was supposed to be my greatest ally. I didn't say this to the kid, but I was laughing internally.
1d. Care about her day more than yours, but don't be obvious.
1e. Don't expect a text back immediately.
"So, when?" I asked. The kid said it could be three hours but I just had to wait. More internal laughing. I didn't want to wait forever because I wanted to at least know who I was going to get lunch with. Plus, three hours is enough for me to get the message that it's a "no" if it came to that.
2. You give no fucks about Step 1.
I don't know how this tied into Step 1, but hey, let's just roll with it. Oh, by the way, there was no indication on when to actually ask this lady to lunch, just that I had to do this. Internal laughter.
= = =
DURING THE DATE
1. Don't forget her name
Right here, the other kids and I started laughing hysterically. I wondered what the kid was on that would make me think I would forget her name.
1a. Always make a funny joke. Be smart, intelligent and a little stupid.
1b. Open the door
This was on the assumption we would be riding together in the same car which was not going to happen.
2. Play a song, no techno, no hard rock. 80s music is preferred. Don't make the music too loud or too soft.
We also went for 10 minutes on this because, first of all, the kid was born in the late 90s and I challenged him to name some 80s songs. He couldn't. Also, I would play techno/trance in a heartbeat because that's my preferred genre right now. Again, this is on the belief we were riding in the same car which was not going to happen.
2a. The music must be romantic.
Trance usually moves toward romantic, but if I were to have done this (again, see above), I wouldn't play romantic songs just to play romantic songs.
2b. Talk about shows she likes and praise the shows.
I let the kids know I don't watch television if it isn't sports. The last show I watched on a weekly basis was 24 in 2005 (I think? Maybe 2004. The nerve gas season.) No Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Big Bang Theory, etc. My form of television is watching Twitch and YouTube, and the only TV show I've watched in the past 5 years is Silicon Valley. Even with that show, I didn't watch it live. I bought each season on iTunes after it all aired. HOWEVER, if I could learn one thing about a TV show, that would be enough for me to hold a conversation.
2c. Be vulnerable.
2d. Watch "The Notebook" (before the date), and say it made me cry.
I have never and will not watch "The Notebook" for the purpose of a date. I also heard The Notebook is an extra cheesy movie. Maybe it isn't? I don't know. Had no plans of watching it. Anyway, the kid was adamant I had to watch before the date.
2e. Open the door with the right hand, palm up.
Again, on the assumption we were riding in the same car together and I had to open the door for her. The palm-up tactic was to add a level of elegance, even though she wouldn't see my palm up opening the door.
2f. Tell her, "You look gorgeous" or make some other compliment.
2g. Offer your hand.
Had to remind the kid this lady was not my girlfriend, so I'm not holding her hand unless she makes the move.
3. Open the door (to the restaurant) and say, "Ladies go first."
3a. Look around and create an atmosphere.
3b. You've got to own the moment.
**3c. Be relaxed. Don't be nervous. **
3d. Be chill.
4. Don't fuck up.
5. Make sure you get everything done at the right time.
= = =
Throughout all of this, I kept reminding the kid I still hadn't asked this lady out to lunch (or supper). It was not a guarantee she was going to say yes (and usually I'll know if I have a chance before I even ask. Here, I honestly didn't know if I had a chance).
So what was going to happen if she said no?
The kid told me to take notes again.
= = =
IF SHE SAYS NO
Order the following: two large pepperoni pizzas, wings and a 2-liter soda.
Watch the following: Project X, The Office
Go on YouTube and laugh at funny videos
= = =
I might have been on 1 date in 10 years, but I knew most of this was absurd, and it was a chance to get a good laugh or two. What helped me get through this "dating lesson" was to understand that most of this was for comedy and that none (or most?) of it shouldn't be taken seriously.
The kid was sold that his strategy was going to land me the date. From there, if I went with what the kid said, he believed I was going to have one of the best dates ever.
That evening, I asked the lady out to lunch via text (I did not say "heyy"), and she said she was not feeling well all week and wanted the weekend to rest up. That was unfortunate.
I did have a birthday lunch with a longtime friend and her son in San Diego.
No, I did not get pizza and wings.