Hello and welcome to a new installment to my blog, Let's Talk Tuesdays. This is where every Tuesday I'll bring up a topic that will be up for discussion. I'll share my thoughts and experience and you can share yours as well.
Today's topic will be maintaining friendships. This is something I struggle with irl and online. I just don't communicate very well. When I do it's usually through text. Not very vocal lately, other than with my kids or my therapist. I just got back from an appointment with my therapist and this topic was brought up. I was letting her know most of my friendships are non existent nowadays in real life. I started talking about how I recently lost a friendship I've had since elementary school. She didn't want to be my friend after I had posted a picture of me in a veterans ball cap a fellow vet had just bought me. She also mentioned I haven't been sticking up for black and brown rights like I use to. I don't think she noticed I had taken a break from social media all together.
In my mind, I don't owe anyone anything. My political views were not written on that ball cap/hat. I had served in the United States Navy during Operation Enduring Freedom and so did the friend who had bought me that hat. I had never been proud of my service. It's hard to when I'd been kicked out and called a piece of shit by the executive officer of the ship. Why would I muster up any pride towards my service? I also felt no need to explain myself to this friend who decided to cut me out of her life. Did it hurt? Not until today. Mentioning it today hurt like hell. But like I said to my therapist, I try not to take it personally. She had gone through more than her share of pain and suffering. I cannot take it personally when I know everyone has their own path. I guess this is why maintaining friendships is so hard for me. If I'm feeling some type of way, no one comes to mind. If no one is there, then so be it. But, what about reaching out? This is where I see maintaining friendships is important. No one person is an island without ports. I just need to remember that it's not needy to want to talk to someone. I guess since this recent loss it's been hard wanting to maintain any friendships. " You can't get rejected if you're never connected."
I'm starting group therapy next Monday. I think it will be interesting to see if I make any friends through this group. My intention is to just observe and experience what it's like to be around other people that may have had similar experiences as me. The group specializes in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. My therapist explained to me that this means finding balance which I can definitely benefit from.
I feel like I didn't stay on topic here but I have some closing questions to think about.
What does maintaining friendships mean to you and how important is this to you?
Do you feel obligated to maintain certain friendships? And if so, why?
What do you do to maintain your Friendships?
Thanks for stopping by and reading this new installation. Leave a comment. Let's talk ✌✨
Being the semi hermit type, I find that maintaining relationships is sometimes difficult. I tend to get wrapped up in my own little world and not spend much time with other people. I've been trying to keep up with a couple of friendships because I find them to be valuable to me to have as a friend. Quite a few people have come and gone in my life, but not that many were really friends so much as acquaintances, and so many of them were friends because of working at the same job. After I quit, or they quit, the friendship just sort of drifted away. I suppose that's not all that unusual.
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I feel like the hermit-ish type as well, while also raising these kiddos so I'm not completely alone... but nevertheless, not really maintaining irl friendships. I do enjoy the online friendships I've formed so far. I feel like some friends are there for a season and that's okay.
As someone who enjoys solice, I've had friends come and go as they please. I was always that disposable friend anyways lol 😂 I guess that's what happens when I moved every two or so years before and after the military. I feel like it's hard for me to make friends when I'm living somewhere where I feel out of place and mainly chosen out of financial reasons and not for the right reasons. Maybe one day I'll find the right community for me where I can easily make friends as well as maintain them if need be. We shall see.
For now, I'm pretty happy with the online friendships, they're just as real to me even if I'm not so vocal still. Maybe I should make this 'Let's Talk Tuesdays' series into vlog posts so I'm not just communicating solely through text.
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My friendships are not the kinds that need maintenance , not from my perspective at least. If someone has my friendship they have it, it is not dependent on anything like how often we see each other or talk, text etc.
Life is hard, it gets busy, work, kids, relationships, family and many more things all have a way of taking up lots of our time. I can understand that it can be difficult to have time for yourself, let alone others, so im all good with lengthy periods without seeing mates etc.
If im being honest, I shut down many relationships in my life recently after discovering that my "friends" weren't really my friends (also for some family members). but that was due to their actions not maintenance issues ;)
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Those are the best kind of friendships! I feel like that's the realest form. If anything, low maintenance/ friendships that maintain themselves naturally is what I aim for.
Once I had kids, friendships really took a back seat because all I wanted was alone time. Well, reconnecting with old friends wasn't too bad though, but so far I've felt no obligation to keep reconnecting with them after feeling like we're on different paths.
I think it's healthy for our boundaries to shut down friendships/relationships that no longer serve us, so well done! It's definitely not easy for me but I am learning to do the same, drifting away from the role of 'people pleaser'
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all we can do is the best we can with the tools we have available to us :) it may take us a while to realize what is good and bad for us but once we do.... it up to us to draw the lines in the sand of what we take from others and what we dont.
its a harsh world out there, there is nothing wrong with taking care of ourselves at the expense of others "feelings" about us, self care is far more important than pleasing others... in my humble opinion ;) much love
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My response got a little verbose, but I suppose I tend to do that sometimes. :)
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Such a thoughtful and vulnerable story, thanks for sharing that with us all.
I’ve been struggling with this over the last few months. I used to be highly active on FB with my local community. When I went offline, I lost touch with everyone, as everyone has become so dependent on using that platform as a communication tool.
What was worse was that I had ceased working as a therapist, and so I felt a lost my identity. (That’s what I’ve been posting of late, my reflections on all of that).
The big lesson for me was that if I needed to keep in contact then I needed to make the effort to do so the old fashioned way: phone or text.
Even though I’ve gotten in touch with everyone to let them know to not depend on using FB to communicate, it’s become a challenging pattern to break for most people.
Hanging out with friends is very high on my personal Values.
My change in work life has also thrown things into chaos as I now work at different times to everyone else, so I can’t really hang out much, and they all work when I’m not.
Still trying to work out how to balance all this. Looking forward to reading more of your journey with this.
😊🙏🏽💜
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Thanks so much for sharing what you've been going through as well with trying to maintain friendships outside of the fb world. I've noticed the same, that it's rough for people other than my mom to keep in touch with me outside of social media. I kind of take it for what it is because that's out of my control.
Sounds like you're going through a lot of changes and that there's a transition period for you right now. It's rough for sure and I hope everything balances out for you. I'm definitely excited to learn about dialectal behavioral therapy and find some balance within. Thanks so much for showing interest in my new installment! Looking forward to doing another Let's Talk Tuesday. I'll touch base on this topic and introduce a new one, most likely on what I've learned during Monday's DBT session. We shall see!
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It's kind of interesting that you've brought this up- I just moved, so I have to actively maintain some relationships that were less maintenance at my previous job/home. I've been thinking about how much time and effort and $$ I've had to maintain these, and the demands I should place on other people to meet me half way if they want to continue the relationship as is. I've come to accept that no one owes anyone else anything, that people come and go in our lives and it's ok for things to fizzle. I might be making excuses though...
that was quite the ramble on my part
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Ramble away my friend! Lol that's pretty valid request imo, for friends to meet you half way. Also agreed that it is okay if friendships kind of fizzle here and there. It feels like to me a true test of friendship is being able to go without and pick back up a week, a month or years later and rediscovering each other. But with no obligation to do so, if that makes sense. I've let friendships go on too long without keeping in touch and seemed to have lost a good amount of them but I have one best friend from high school that I've been able to keep in touch with. Maybe by letting some friendships fizzle, new ones will emerge! I still have not mastered the art of making friends as an adult, with tiny humans. Maybe when my kids all reach school age things will change. For now, my online frandz help a lot.
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