David Letterman Interviews The Rauschmonstrum

This transcript originally appears in my book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman in December of 1998 to discuss the release of the film adaptation of Jesus & Me.

Letterman: Our next guest certainly needs no introduction. His 1957 book Jesus & Me is one of the bestselling books of all time. Its movie version comes out Christmas Day starring Tom Cruise as Jesus, please welcome the Rauschmonstrum.

[The audience cheers as the Rauschmonstrum floats out]

Letterman: I don’t think this gets said enough but you really are a terrifying presence up close.

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve been told that before.

Letterman: You’re pretty much a demon.

Rauschmonstrum: The Catholic Church used to refer to me as just that. In fact, some denominations of the few that remain still insist I am a demon.

Letterman: Yeah, those churches really went kablooey after you showed up. I was raised Lutheran, and one night Mother was watching a program of you on television, and then that was it for going to Church.

Rauschmonstrum: A lot of people send me letters telling me similar stories.

Letterman: I think that old church in my neighborhood is a strip mall now.

Rauschmonstrum: Strip malls may actually be worse.

Letterman: Maybe. Now you uh…you’re a real powerful guy aren’t you? You could kill us right now if you wanted to?

Rauschmonstrum: The critics kill you enough Dave. No need for me to do it too.

Letterman: That’s true.

Rauschmonstrum: And besides, keeping you alive only punishes you more.

Letterman: You might be right. But seriously, you have it in your command to destroy mankind, and you’ve certainly messed with us quite a bit over the years. What’s it like to be all powerful?

Rauschmonstrum: The women seem to like it.

[The audience laughs]

Letterman: I bet. So the love life is going swimmingly?

Rauschmonstrum: Can’t complain.

Letterman: Maybe you should sell a men’s vitality supplement. It’d probably sell really well. Hell, I may even give it a try.

Rauschmonstrum: I don’t need any more money Dave.

Letterman: Speaking of that, what is your net worth at this point? You’ve got to be the best-selling writer of all time, you own all these big companies-

Rauschmonstrum: My book sales are still behind the Bible.

Letterman: Is that right?

Rauschmonstrum: Not that the Bible sells too well nowadays.

Letterman: You have a little something to do with that I suspect.

Rauschmonstrum: Where’d you get an idea like that?

[Laughter from the audience]

Letterman: I’d hate to repeat the question, but how much money do you have?

Rauschmonstrum: I don’t know. I don’t keep count.

Letterman: Funnily enough, I count all of mine… do you like people?

Rauschmonstrum: To the best degree I can, considering I don’t really understand humans too well.

Letterman: And what don’t you understand about us?

Rauschmonstrum: Well for one thing, why millions of people would tune in to watch a show like this.

[The audience laughs]

Letterman: You gotta love this guy. I’m actually surprised this movie got made. I had been hearing since I was a kid “oh, they’re making a Jesus & Me movie,” and nothing would come up. So this time around when it was actually getting made I still didn’t believe it was really happening until I saw the first trailer.

Rauschmonstrum: And quite the trailer it was if I do say so myself.

Letterman: Yes, and I’m sure the movie will do very well. Everyone knows the book, and Tom Cruise is a box office smash for everything he’s ever been in. And they’ve got Willem Dafoe playing you, don’t they? For scenes where he’s in human form?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes they do. And Dafoe really does a splendid job. Everybody in it does.

Letterman: I certainly look forward to seeing it. The Rauschmonstrum everybody! The movie Jesus & Me comes out next week. Don’t miss it.

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