Is it true that motherhood crystallizes differently if a child is adopted? Is the adoption process easy and intuitive or does it involve a risk for parents or for the child? What are the most important difficulties and what are the causes of satisfaction and happiness in the matter? To answer questions and clarify many other points, you read in this article the testimony of mothers who build children for one reason or another, discover the sources of their joy and, in turn, the causes of their anxiety, as well as the wounds or suffering in their hearts ...
Lamy, 40, is a social activist
"Reproduction is not limited to one way"
"I hate the term" biological boys "and I emphasize that procreation is not limited to one way, because it extends beyond adoption.One day I made the girl in my custody and was only eight days old, and I felt a great sense of glee and tenderness as soon as I hugged her to my chest. For the first time, I felt a sense of motherhood invading Kayani immediately, so that the exchange between us was automatic. Later, she insisted that she had inherited a poor vision of me, and she asked me about her home and her real parents she did not wish to meet. When it comes to its origins Moon "about her skin color or saying," How much does your daughter look like you? "Or when another child tells her that her sister is not her real sister, and that's what makes me mad: I'm not her real mother or she's not my real daughter. The only apparent difference is that I am blonde and my eyes are blue like my biological children, unlike Sarah, who dreams of having her long black hair ...
Rola: 42 years old, school
"I would not love them even more if I bore them myself"
"I realized that I became a mother as soon as Bassam was placed in my hands and I never wondered whether I would like him or not." As soon as Hadadi ended up not being able to have biological children, and was quite convinced, I realized that adoption was the path I should take in life. As for the son of Yusuf, whom you built at the age of four and a half years, his complex is a bit complicated because he did not speak our language when we went to the orphanage to bring him in. But the officials there were psychologically present to meet us and we came out of the orphanage hand in hand. Divine Grace, K. I believe in their strength, help them if they are steadfast, and comfort them if they grieve, as I teach them, and rebuke them gently, even if they make mistakes ... But, it may happen that you say "I'm not my mother" or my son: "I wish I could go back where I came from." I answer: "I know that I am not your mother but you and no doubt my children." And if they ever wanted to know their true mother, I would accompany them to thank them for them ... "
Janet, 60, housewife
"But my daughter in turn did not adopt her new mother"
"It's been 15 years since our adoption by Joanna, the six-year-old Colombian girl, who wrote about our trip from the start, since Joanna was not prepared to meet us and went away with us, she lived her first adoption period as if she had been abducted from our home shortly afterwards. I would like to point out that the adoption services did not respond to our urgent appeals for relief, and Joanna refused any contact with me as she pushed me away from her as I approached her to kiss her after reading a story about her. I was threatened with a knife I did not stop at that point and even refused to go to school - aggravating the situation - pretending that I was not her mother and had no right to force her to do anything. Joanna was 13 years old, and we had to deposit her in a juvenile clinic as a precautionary measure.I tried several times to bring her home when she left school, but she categorically refused my assistance, and later understood that she was suffering from behavioral disorders. We learned that her real mother gave up and mistreated her and then was forcibly removed from her native country, which led to her building a barrier of rejection and hatred between us and left us no chance. I was not her mother and I will not be so, and in my heart it left an eternal wound ... "!
Opinion experts psychology
Since adoption is voluntary, it needs attention and effort to grow up. So, in particular, it raises many fundamental questions. What does it mean to become a woman? What will you feel when you see her child for the first time? Can she provide him with an atmosphere or environment in which he can grow and mature in order to build a prosperous future for himself? How to be a good mother? Psychologists say questions remain unanswered unless the new child is still at home. One important thing to take into account is one or more: adoption is free of the physical communication or exchange between the mother and her biological child, which affirms the permanence of maternal bonds. The mother dreams of the child that she will adopt, not even consider him her child in advance, so she sees it fully (not carried by the fetus in her arms), but carries a past that has nothing to do with it, simple or problem free, complex, it remains a life preceded and will not be able to know probably. It does not mean that it will not become a valid mother because psychological change is never present.
Motherhood is born instinctively and never gains
At least this is the view of the 42-year-old Wafa, who has embraced the seven-year-old Hope Hebe, five years. Motherhood and motherhood are created through daily experiences, but the act of motherhood requires constant personal accountability. It is a connection with the child who is within us or who we were. This process re-activates the link in the form of parents and built according to the emotions and emotions and preserved within each of us. There is no doubt that adoption is a reciprocal process and both sides must adapt to it. Psychologists in this field say that coercion can not be adopted at all, but that the child must be given a space of respect to be able to understand his needs and his life without looking for his response to our expectations. Some children are not accustomed to being embraced by one another and may suffer from problems of insomnia, fear, ... Do not think that babies do not have feelings of abandonment and separation, on the contrary! They should be given enough time to adjust. The mother who adopts is no different from the biological mother that gives birth. Adopted mothers insist that they do not differentiate between adopted children and their biological children (if they have children), in terms of love and faith. Mothers who have not had biological children can not imagine a greater and greater love than their adoptive children.
But the most important question remains: Does their failure stand out to the smallest problems? Teenage can be thorny. The adopted child builds his identity for four people: adoptive parents and biological parents. Then, the obvious and often associated change of adolescence becomes more difficult, as the child tends to confuse autonomy with another separation from the parents. In the context of this identification crisis, the child may be raised by his mother at this stage, saying, "You are not my real mother?" This is a quintessential question: "What makes you my real mother?" In order to answer these children's questions correctly, adoptive parents should not question their position in their children's lives. The more they think and act as legitimate people, the more easily their answer is, and their son feels that he is in the right place.
When love is not enough ...
Sometimes the adoption process fails despite the love granted and efforts. A study on this subject has confirmed that 10 to 15% of adoptions fail and lead to children leaving. The problems of attachment and difficulty in engaging in family life and the desire to find true parents, adoption processes are often spoiled. The issue of failure is very complex, leaving a deep wound in the same or already identity-distressing mother, and torturing the child to a large extent. One must be able to question himself and assess this bilateral relationship and understand why it failed: What is my role as a counselor in this relationship and what is my role as a child in it? Only in this case can stakeholders assess the importance of this harmonization endeavor and the importance of urbanization well before undertaking any adoption action.