Becoming an adult - Thoughts on life

Soon I will be 30. I've been looking forward to this while my wife has been worried, because according to her I'll soon be officially old. However I'm having a different point of view: now I will finally be a grown up. An adult. I'm feeling everyone under 30 are kind of children...
But it might be that when I'll be 40, I'll think the same way about people younger than 40.

We will see that by time.

But I've finally found myself in middle of a crisis.

What if I will die soon? What if I will find myself aging so I'm losing my health, ability to move properly and I'll just lie in a bed waiting to die? What will happen to my family?

Have I achieved anything important in life?

This all feels extremely real, even though I do understand my father is over twice my age, he's not a dying cripple and lost his family or anything like this. I can assume I'll have at least another 30 good years ahead of me.

The fears

But... what IF something bad happens?

I've started to understand adults better when I'm becoming one. When I was 17 and wanted to go see a band to another city, my mother was afraid someone would try to rape me. Yes. I was over 180cm and 80kg geeky guy, of course people are making lines to sexually abuse me.

Now I'm having strange fears about my family. Like... "What if my son picks up a knife and stabs himself in the eye?" or "What if a truck drives through kindergarten fence and rolls over my son?"

It's not very likely that would happen, but the weird fears can pop up. My mind is trying to make me think they are reasonable fears, even though I know it's very unlikely anything serious will happen to my family or me. But my mind keeps on telling me "Remember that one single cousin who got hit by a truck when he was bicycling? IT COULD BE YOUR FAMILY!"

I wish I could be a child again, when you could be afraid of ghosts or scary clowns. Not about things like this.
Also I'm secretly hoping I would be already old, so I could have only adult children who can manage on their own.

But what all good things there are in life?

I've found a new value on friends, friendship and hobbies. When in the past, losing a friend was terrible, now it's absolutely horrible. I'm still missing a friend I lost years ago and I know I'm most likely never going to get things fixed. But who knows, I still have years ahead.

In life nowadays, it's not as simple to make friends, not very good friends at least. Best friends need to pass the quality examination of the family, new possible friends usually have their own friends already who you don't know! When I was a kid, if my friend had friends I usually already knew them from school.

Now if I meet someone at the office and we'll start building a friendship, all his friends are most likely completely weird to me. I'm not sure if I need to know friends of my friends, but it always changes the dynamics.

The good thing is though, friendship can be based on more boring things. We work in the same office. We wear same kind of shirt every now and then. We both know my wife.

All these are extremely good reasons to be friends with someone.

At this age, having a different preference in music does not matter. It won't matter if I'm a bit geeky and someone is more sporty. It won't matter if we like different kinds of food etc.

When I was younger, a friendship could have been ruined when someone doesn't like the music they are listening. Sometimes it sucked, but not that much.. because hey, that guy enjoyed rap music? Can't be a nice person!

But being a grown up takes so much time it's pretty exhausting. I can see why people don't dream of working 8 hours per day or more, because if you want to have work, hobbies, decent family life and sleep enough, you can't do it all. That's why I'm also using Steemit at work too, mostly commenting though instead of writing posts.

But we have so limited time...

Compared when I was studying my first degree, I could watch 10 seasons of Stargåte in time of two weeks.

Those were crazy times.

I do hope they'll never come back. Instead now I'm already dreaming of warmth, sauna, good food, friends, beautiful women and of the ability to be a whole day without wearing pants.

And the best thing is.. I know I can get all of these. They are not just dreams far away or that I'd be trying to get more time to play games or watch TV. Instead I'm happy sitting and quietly writing on Steemit or on steemit chat.

Maybe I could have some good dreams and hopes related to the family too, like spending quality time with my son. But I'm awesome, all the time I'm alive is quality time.

But what about the children?

But can you feel wrong as a parent? I'm assuming it's a common fear that you don't feel like you are happy enough on being a parent.. but it's hard to know how others feel. Of course it feels wonderful too, but how many have seen parents who are always delighted and happy? I can understand why all some parents might shout to their children sometimes.

It's also a good thing that parents want their children to do something else than latch onto their parents. Who would be happy, if you'd have a 30 year old child who just wants to hang around with mom and dad? NOBODY.

I'm assuming this is also why animals tell their children to get lost at some point.

Not just yet though. Not yet. I'm not going to tell anyone go get lost yet.

Being almost 30, I'm also feeling like the whole life is waiting for me. It's scary at the same time, as I don't get the feeling "I can handle this", which I had been kind of hoping. What are the tools for life I can give to my children, if I'm unsure myself?

Telling a child "It will be great" while thinking "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit".
It takes some guts, I tell you. It takes some guts.

Maybe I'll learn when I grow older.

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