Long time no see, Vic! Great to have a friend back haha..
On a serious note though, I can totally relate with this. I know what it feels like to be your own worst enemy. It feels as if you don't own yourself. You're constantly reminding yourself of all the people you have hurt, and that's why you feel scared to share your pain with others because you think you'll end up hurting them too.
But honestly, I think what we really need to go past this, is a little time and acceptance of the fact that feeling that way is perfectly normal and reasonable, and that it is curable. It's difficult, surely, but possible. Slowly and steadily.