How to Stop Hitting Your Spouse When They Interrupt Your Calls

Are you a good Interruptor or can you think of yourself as one? Interrupting your own train of thought is called habitual observation. We all do it, interrupting our thoughts to make us get curious. Habitual observation can lead to fundamental ambiguity.


Let's look at an example of habitual Interruptor. Sitting across the room from you, your neighbor interrupts your story with his own thought and asks: "What's that?" The essence of his thought is: "That must be so hard to stay present for her."

As a habitual Interruptor, your thought of "that must be so hard to stay present for her" already triggers fundamental ambiguity. He asks: "How do you do that?" You answer: "By being present for her." As a story-line explains, your question is, "How do I stay present for her?" In your mind, the answer is clear: by being present for her!

Now let's examine what happens when your partner interrupts you. When your partner interrupts your story-line, your first reaction is to get curious. You want to know how he could have gotten to that point. And you'd probably want to ask him, if he hadn't interrupted you, what he thought about? In short, you would be looking for clues that your habitual Interruptor has introduced into his thought-life, that is, leading you into the fundamental ambiguity you want to avoid.

So what do you do? You stay present for her! You are not distracted or ambivalent about what he says. And you don't try to engage with him. You simply observe calmly, in a detached manner, what he says, and then you return to what you were doing or discussing (without interrupting).

But this is a false practice. Just because you are following a strategy of staying present doesn't mean that you can forget to ask your partner difficult questions. For one thing, it isn't necessary to ask all questions at once. To keep things moving toward your goal of keeping your conversation flowing smoothly, you simply set aside time during your daily routine to raise issues you know are bothering your partner and find out how he/she can answer them. In other words, you will be "interrupting" only if you don't raise the issue yourself first.

However, this practice also has its limitations. As noted, you cannot interrupt your partner just because he/she interrupts you. When this happens, you become dependent on your partner to provide answers to your questions, which can be counterproductive to your strategy of staying present. And you also risk losing touch with your partner.

The best strategy of staying present when your partner interrupts you is to not engage in the first place. Simply continue with the topic you had been discussing, focusing on issues in your life that are less intrusive than those that are causing marital problems in your relationship. This may not be easy for you to do when your partner wants to talk about his/her own issues. In this case, try to give your partner some space by diverting the conversation to other topics that are more appropriate. And the next time your spouse is talking, be patient and ready to interject with a question or two, but don't let your partner to hear those.

Interrupting is a habit. It is something that people do when they feel threatened or intimidated. Being intimidated at times by your partner doesn't mean that he/she is trying to hurt you. On the contrary, most spouses feel intimidated by their partners when their spouse fails to listen or answer questions that they have posed.

This is actually part of your marriage problem. You are afraid to be left out and to be "left out" by your partner. Most couples say that they feel "put out" when their spouse asks them a question, even though that spouse didn't mean to imply anything negative. How do you stop yourself from becoming the "put-out" when your spouse interrupts you every time he/she needs to talk? Here is a simple way:


You simply become the "go-getter" and do not give in to your partner's demands. If your partner keeps interrupting you, politely tell him/her that this is not proper behavior. Let your partner know that you will not tolerate interrupting in this way. Then calmly return to your topic without responding to or interrupting what your partner is saying. Your partner will soon realize that it is much easier to get your attention by just responding to your questions rather than continuing to interrupt.