You're Not Getting The Most Out of Your Relationships Because You Don't Know Yourself

So very recently I had a very toxic breakup and it sent me on a journey to find what exactly I want in my life.
The short version is that my previous relationship was low maintenance, I am very easy going and my man took advantage of that and later shamed me for not being attentive enough with him (even though he never took any incentive to do it in the first place).
So naturally hit up Tinder found a guy, lets call him Daniel, Daniel seemed good, funny, and relaxed until I discovered that a friend or a friend had dated him two years or so back and had been ghosted after about six months. Now, have I ghosted people? Yes.
However, it does make me wonder if I bring up expectations will he run? If he is easily scared off will he do the same to me?
Well, he did do the same to me.
But, this story isn’t about him.
It’s about figuring out what you want.
I was worried that because I a) am high maintenance at heart and b) want to find my (queue gross music) soulmate that it would scare off this person which I didn’t even know.

This was the list I gave him.

I need monogamy for at least multiple years or until we decide together.
This topic is tricky as now days we all want to be standoffish as to if we are a thing or not. However, safety is important and I am a one-person person so hopefully you are too(However, I do agree that people change and I cant 100% guarantee that I will always be this way, hence, the multiple years). Also, I’ll say it: good luck finding better than me…
Communication.
Tell me when you are free, for god’s sake leave your read receipts on, and let me know what you need. I need to know your boundaries, aftercare needs, play-spaces, when you don’t want to have sex, and when you do. Simple. These are basic but I want to be on the same page with someone, so we can have fun and not hurt each other.
I need attention, I need to be your #1, If I am sad/mad I want you to come soothe/comfort me.
This is not asking for too much here. Ultimately you have to treat people how you want to be treated, and this has to be set out at the beginning otherwise people will walk all over you and your kind nature. This is not something which should be seen as “needy”, when(if) your significant other has decided to be a your significant other this is exactly what they signed up for. This translates to talking at least five days a week, it can be hard if you two live farther apart or have conflicting schedules, however, a phone call or Facetime will do just fine.
You have to say “I love you first”.
Now I saw this particular one on a blog somewhere, so I will link it when I find it again, but I find this one interesting but also rooted in some damage. Having someone really truly say I love you first is a feeling which I have yet to feel, I have a tendency to like someone then get into things a bit too fast, however, I am never the first one to say it (so add two and two together, and they didn’t even mean it when they said it). So this one really appeals to me.
You have to talk to me at least 5 days a week.
Just as a day to day thing, it is not asking someone too much to send minimum one text a day, even if it’s a no reply necessary “goodnight, looking forward to talking tomorrow” or whatever. Now this being said, I am not a very avid text-er, however I am an avid Instagram-er and general communicator. Five days a week is not unreasonable, it leaves two days of either too busy to talk or alone time, which is also necessary.

All of these small things listed above are my ways of assessing how exactly I want my partner’s to treat me, because IF I have learned anything from my last relationships people do not have the same ideas as to what respect is and therefore what a relationship is.
Why did I put my wants/ambitions/goals for a successful relationship on hold so that this guy wouldn’t get scared. Clearly, if he is scared by that then he’s not going to make you happy, and this is still something I have to keep telling myself as well.
I have gave and compromised so much for men who gave me absolutely nothing in return, and my experience with Daniel solidified that for me. You can’t expect someone to give you everything you want without first knowing what you want, and secondly, knowing what you will or will not put up with.
Basically having high standards in place are there to filter out those with low standards. The people who are too lazy to even give you the time of day. The people who do not deserve you in their life.

Now, here is my list after Daniel.

I am who I am.
I make the rules, you follow or I will find someone else who will.
I will sleep with whomever I like, I am an adult who practices safe-sex and will not be tied down to someone.
I want to live my life. I don’t want to talk everyday, or even once a week.
I do not want any kind of relationship with you.
Communication should be constant when necessary. If we are together I want to be constantly communicating what we’re doing/how we’re feeling. When we’re apart it is not necessary.

If this shift confuses you then I can not offer advice for your situation. It may seem drastic to just pull any hopes for a relationship off the table. But in order for you to work on you, you can't be thinking of other people and their needs.

If you find yourself wondering why people keep on burning you and you are struggling at finding the right partner, this is for you, as my shift in priorities was for me.
I was putting myself first, instead of a person or a relationship.
It made me realize that my power/happiness/self-worth is not confined within a relationship. I want to build up myself first instead of trying to please someone else, these worries or compromises for other people are not working and I had to do something about it.
We have so much control in our lives we often forget about it. No one is forcing you to keep trying to find your perfect match, you’re doing it because you want that, we’re all told to want that. But if you are pursuing this through any feelings of need or desperation (a harsh word here, but somewhat applicable) it will not work out for you. No matter how many times it won’t work.
It sucks but it’s true, work on yourself, enjoy other people and what they can do for you, but figure out your needs through trial and error, not others needs.
Ultimately when you are in this mindset of wanting to please a partner, you neglect the most important relationship you have: the one with yourself.
When the right person comes, it’ll be easy. Your needs will be true and tested, unattached to others visions/feelings about you and then you can work on an us as well a you.

This post is also available through Medium @https://medium.com/@devyngwynne/getting-the-most-out-of-your-relationships-b76b361a4b0