All In (Trigger Warning)

I've been very busy lately as I go through the red tape involved in getting the required permits to run a business. There are a lot of things to be dealt with especially that I also have to compete with foreign businesses who have money to shell out. It's not that I care so much about their businesses, it's just that they have completely turned the local people's eyes into dollar signs. Without them realizing the consequences of their actions, the small and local business owners like me get affected.

The reality is that with a lot of money, all things are possible. You can move swiftly and bypass walls like a free-moving soul. Even though the foreigners are not able to buy their own lands here, they still can. They just need to focus on the weakness of people, fill the need. Marry a poor young woman or pay someone with a stash of dollars or euros. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent these centuries-old tactics of the neocolonialists. I just resent the fact that I don't have such freedom right now. So what do I now? Instead of focusing on the already deepening resentment against these people, I'll just give everything that I have for this venture. All in.

The whole bureaucratic process involves a lot of smiles, pleasantries, getting off my own high horse, and bowing down to authorities. If I can't compete with money, my diabolic charm would do. Deep down I wish I have a lot of money just not to succumb to politeness and all that. It takes convincing the local government authorities and my landlord that apparently, I'm just a mere local who is putting all the little money she earned within this country to get her startup off the ground. Afterall, they need to support their own.

Buckle up buttercup, people just flipped my diabolic bitch switch. The expats and tourists around here don't get the same sympathy, for everyone else, they are just walking goldmines. It's hard for people to sympathize with their suffering which is nothing compared to the genuine suffering of the natives. So whether you like it or not, that's the reality. I'm giving you the perspective, of the locals, and other people around the world. What they won't tell you. Sometimes I understand because some foreigners just get a taste of their own medicine. Imagine someone with a high nose up in the air come to a place for the first time and shed all the dollars without a fucking care in the midst of salivating dollar-starved people in a fishing village. Then they whine about being cheated, check your privileges, will you? Not everyone is equal. People are still living in this fantasy land of idealist crap and I'm tired of those who constantly deny the reality.

Am I being bitter? Honestly, I am at the moment for I understandably have all the reasons. All the reasons that perhaps you might never ever understand in your entire all-too-comfortable life. As much as I don't want to victimize myself, there's the reality you cannot forever deny. The strong forces of the society conditioned me to feel like a victim, a centuries-old curse. Meanwhile, the other culture conditioned people not to feel anymore. However, as it seems, we are all victims here of some invisible evil force.

I remember when I was traveling, I had to go through all the trouble to cross to the borders. A lot of paperwork. Then there are those who blog about how they can travel with fuckin' ease. How posh, good for them. They just deemed the rest of the world insignificant. Please wait, I have to work hard to gain that kind of status. I see the international news every day and how they perpetuate both victimhood and dominance. Haven't they checked the shit that's being done in other unpopular countries? Those things that don't make it to the headlines. Some people just ruin things for you. What I hate the most is that every morning, every fuckin' morning as I drink my coffee, they all visit my mind for some reason.

Uncertainty is a complete mindfuck, it makes me think of all sorts of things. Stressful to the depth of my being. It brings out the worst in me. Now if it doesn't thrill you in any way, then this road is not for you. This road is either ultimate uncertainty or ultimate opportunity. I'm tired right now but I'm still full of hope. I'm down to almost being broke but whatever I say, no matter how bitter and angry I am at the moment, I'm still not losing confidence in everything I do. Let's see how it goes.

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