Depressed

CW: Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation.

Last week I wrote about my anxiety spike when the SO was away. Now it's time to face the cold hard fact that I am, at present, depressed.

Image credit: @nikkotations on Unsplash

Now, I'm very lucky when it comes to depression. I suffer from what is generally called "situational depression," which - unlike chronic or clinical depression - is a thing that comes and goes with circumstances. It is a result of my anxiety, much like clinical depression can be. But the brain chemistry is different. Even as I am depressed and paralyzed in many ways, I know how much worse it could have been if my brain chemistry was different. I find it incredibly important to remember that.

Some of you may have noticed how much I have pulled back in recent weeks and months. I barely comment, I barely participate on Discord. That's also true for non-Steemit related places, like Slack and Twitter and Facebook. I simply haven't had the bandwidth to do any of that. So if you've noticed me shying away from whatever community we share, know that it's not about that community. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's awesome, as I try to only be an active part of awesome communities.

I've been able to make posting here on a daily basis part of my routine. It's basically that and washing the dishes. And posting about my anxiety has allowed me to feel like I'm extracting something that may be useful to others out of my condition.

In a post a few weeks ago, I wrote "I've also had thoughts of suicide at multiple points in my life." At the time, I couldn't get myself to write it, but as the depression has ramped up, those thoughts have been with me a lot in recent times. Please don't worry. I am not in danger. There's a long way between suicidal ideation and planning and executing the idea. I've been much farther along that road in the past, without much of the support structure I have now.

Sinking in to this pit has been easy. Climbing out is gonna be hard. I know this. My SO knows this. Many of my closest friends know this. I have their support. My parents will know soon. I will have their support, as I've had it at difficult times in the past.

This is a fight, and I'm ready for it. Well, I'm getting ready. Okay, I'm preparing to get ready. Getting ready is a process that is currently ongoing.

If you're experiencing thoughts and feelings like those I have described, know that help is available to you. It could be friends, it could be family, it could be a hotline, in the US or elsewhere. I know these things because this is my fifth or sixth time in this situation. But they are true for you as well. I know reaching out feels hard. SO hard. Please do it anyway. Help is much more available than depression and anxiety would have you believe.